Tru had his first encounter with a bully a couple of days ago. He was at a playgroup with a bunch of other kids his age, running around and doing his kid thing while I was busy fiddling with my iPhone. I heard him crying so I ran over just in time to see him with this other boy who was almost a whole head taller than him grabbing both his hands real tight and making a nasty face at him.
In situations like these, I try not to overreact because a mother’s first instinct is to go kungfu ballistic on anyone that tried to hurt my kid. Also, all I saw was the goliath of a 2-year-old boy grabbing Tru’s hands and making a rude face, which in the grand scheme of things is not the same as giving Tru a sucker punch in the nose. So I guess that doesn’t warrant me having the boy quartered and hung. And eaten by horses.
I carried Tru to a corner to calm him down. He looked like he was in shock and the whole time, he just grabbed my top and wouldn’t stop crying. I tried asking him to tell me what the boy did but he refused to. He was obviously still visibly shaken so I didn’t want to push it.
From experience, the length of his crying time usually correlates with how badly affected he is. Like a mild stub on the toe warrants 10 seconds max and a bleeding mouth about 5 minutes. I can’t say for sure because I didn’t see it but I’m fairly certain that the other kid did a lot more than stick his tongue out at Tru. But of course, I’ve got no proof of that so I had to find some.
For the rest of the hour, I shadowed the big brattish bully to see him shoving other kids, snatching toys, pulling another kid’s hair and smacking a boy on the side of his head. He was smart, though. Barely 3-years-old and he’s got the instinct of a predator. He only made his move on the isolated kids, the stragglers who left the pack and the runts of the group. He would sneak up on a kid who was holding a toy he wanted, yank it out of his hands and push him away, all in 3 seconds. The poor kid would be left crying and he would skip off happily to find another kid to terrorize. One boy tried to grab his toy back only to have his head smacked like a rag doll.
I knew this day would come but I didn’t think it’d be this soon so I just didn’t know how to react. By the end of my little investigative exercise, I was down to three options.
1. Flog the living crap out of the kid and burn him with a cigarette but I didn’t have a cigarette so he got lucky and I had to go with..
2. Talk to his parents. If it turned out that his parents were every bit as obnoxious as he was, then I would have to resort to..
3. Force feed him enough laxatives to have him make the toilet all day, every day for the next month.
Good thing for him, his mom seemed genuinely appalled that her kid was such a bully and she apologized profusely. Apparently, she claims that her kid is not like that at all at home so I’m guessing he’s either got multiple personalities or she’s not spending enough time with the kid. Either way, at least she knows now.
Have you ever had to deal with your kid getting bullied? Any tips on how to handle it?
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Sunay regularly meets a kid at playgroup they both attend who is rather brattish n screams into other kids’ ears, yanks their toys n pushes them ard. He’s a few months older than sunay but hefty. Sunay has had his toys snatched many times n been pushed out of toy cars, etc. The mum is very laissez faire about her son n is like, “oh it’s ok, it’s a phase, just take ur kid away” (like hello!!!!) so I’ve decided that whenever I see him acting up n my kid is involved, I tell sunay rather loudly, “this behaviour is wrong! You must not push/grab/bully, etc”
it may not be solving the kids behaviour but I notice the mum tried to keep her bully away from my son now ;)
Ratna´s last post ..Seperation anxiety
That’s a very good move, indirect yet at the same time pretty much blatant.
Maybe you should try, “Come, Sunay, let’s not play with kids who behave like wild animals.” or something. Hahaha.
Whenever I meet bullies like this with my kiddos around, I will 1) check if the parents are around or 2) assess their bully tactics and my kids’ reactions to them (my 2 girls will gang up together and brat back in times like these). If the parents are around, I will tell the bullies loudly “Hey, you can’t push/kick/shout so loudly” and let the parents hear. Some parents will just ignore all the way – obnoxious! If the parents are not around, and if the bullies still continue their incorrigible behaviour with my kids not being able to handle them, I will step in and reprimand the bullies with a dramatically fierce face but normal tone of voice. Most times, kids are way frightened of an adult’s immensely fierce face with big glaring eyes and flaring nostrils, hee hee. I ever glared silently at a pair of primary school age sibling bullies in the playground for a good 10 minutes before they skunked silently away, their shoulders hunched.
Have fun tackling these bullies! I do teach my girls to handle these irritating bullies as well, especially since one of them is in the deep dark ocean called primary school where she has to fend on her own!
The Beauties In Our Lives´s last post ..Homelearning For Working Mums
I have NEVER mastered the stare well enough for it to be effective at all be it my own kids or others. I just can’t keep a straight face. The hubby is lot more effective like that.
Could you post of picture of yourself in action for everybody’s reference here? Hahahhaha.
I was hoping option 3 was chosen :D
Our son hasn’t really met any bullies yet, though did see other kids shoving or pushing him a little. As long as the actions weren’t too aggressive (like pushing very hard or snatching toys), most likely we won’t intercept. Otherwise I will probably voice my displeasure via firm verbal ques or if the bully is old enough, talk to him/her in a firm voice.
Again, you must have a pretty stern face for the firm voice thingee to work. I’ve tried the firm voice thingee and all I get is laughter. I’m not even kidding.
By the way, do you have a blog?
I’ll quietly break the fingers of the bully when nobody’s watching
You must be Kel’s friend.
Didn’t you read my guest post on how to deal with bullies and spoilt brats (that are not your own kids) ?
Yeah let me know when you actually DO one of those things.
Such a coincidence that Tru encountered a bully as well. It is a good thing that you were around to witness it.
Actually this is quite a tricky situation. The other kid is barely 3 year old, so probably has no clue that his behaviour will cause such distress to another child. Some kids are more aggressive than others, and behaviour like that seems very instinctive unless the mis-behaviour is addressed on the spot when it happens. So the responsibility is still left to the mom.
I think I would have approached the mom directly and highlight his behaviour. Most moms will feel a little embarassed by their kid’s misbehaviour and will be alert to correct it if it re-surfaces. Unless of course u meet an obnoxious one who don’t realise that u are doing them a favour by highlight the problem to them. Then I will make sure my kid stays away from the bully.
Rachel´s last post ..What do you do when your kid has been pushed by another
Yeah I had to remind myself that the kid is barely 3 years-old so I gotta cut him some slack. Or just cut him. I’m kidding. Mostly.
The mom was suitably embarrassed so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is rectifying the issue. Honestly though, i’m not sure what I could do if Tru happened to be the bully!
Yvette met the first bully in JGC when she was less than 2 yo… And sadly I was there to withness what had happened.
I am totally pissed off and show my unhappiness to the Teachers. The worst part is, the mother didn’t bother to ask her girl to apologise to Yvette at all. Since then I stay away from her. Whenever she got close to Yvette, I pulled Yvette off. Lucky we only in the same class for a term.
The withdraw methods I use when we meet bullies are:
1. If we have to see them every lesson, I will try every mean to pull Yvette away. But since Yvette will attending to school herself soon, I will check with her every now and then and will feedback to teacher.
2. If we are in the public, usually I will talk to the little kid that bully Yvette and even will walk up to the parents and talk to them. Of course some parents could bother then I will use Ratan’s method. “HIGHLIGHT the bad behaviour”! Option 2 for me here.
3. Option 3 is interesting and I hope I will not be caught!!!
sunflower´s last post ..A Birthday Outing to Zoo
Hey, its a GOOD thing you were there to witness it!
I guess you’ll have to rely on the teachers to keep an eye out since we can’t be there all the time, as well as teach her to fend for herself.
Now that I think about about, i’ll be EXTRA x1000000000 upset if Kirsten was the one that was bullied.
Yeah, I got to teach her how to push the fellow down when she got bullied!!!
Dylan also always kenna bullied. Sometimes he thinks it’s funny! The husband says he will whack the bugger who bullies Dylan (seems to be the solution for most fathers), i told him i may have to step him in to discipline him in that case.
If the child is old enough, i will demand an apology from the child to Dylan and inform the parents.
lxlb´s last post ..1st Yr- Actual Day
What do you consider as old enough? I did try to demand an apology from the boy but not only was he frivolous about it he went around pushing other kids to make a point.
You’re quite nice to have told the mum nicely. I have a bit of a take no prisoners attitude when it comes to bullying, and would have told the kid off – not rudely, but firmly enough to scare him a little. I’m not saying Mster is perfectly behaved, but when he does do stuff, at least I’m not oblivious to it!
Judith´s last post ..4 Things I Love about Motherhood
Kel paced around the room for 10 mins trying to cool down until he decided he would track the kids’ activities. So everytime the kid pushed somebody else he would confront him and try to scare him.
I wasn’t sure how effective that was as like I mentioned above, he went around pushing other kids as if to make a point.
Ok, then I totally don’t buy the mum’s response. She is either in denial or oblivious (yes, that’s the polite word, oblivious.)Get your husband to tell her to get her kid to back off. Or better still, teach Tru to push back. I can imagine the gasps of horror at this idea – but its something my dad taught me; never start a fight, but if someone starts something, make sure you finish it. I’ve only ever ever been in one playground fight when I was little, and no one ever messed with me again:D
Judith´s last post ..4 Things I Love about Motherhood
HAHAHAH. you know what, I really can’t tell, reading your blog. I’ll try to keep a look out for you and grab the kids and fly they ever offend you.
I thought talking to the parents was good, but how come the kid’s parents weren’t around? Jude got shoved during Sunday school the other time (the boy went up to him and pushed him down and he hit his head), and I tried talking to the kid, but it didn’t seem to work, so I totally know those sentiments! I’d talked to the kid’s parents if it happened a second time…
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Jus, I think you’re the very-nice non-confrontational type, right? There are times when I wish I could exercise more restraint, nobody’s perfect but the point is nobody bullies my kid and gets away with it. If your kid is a bully and you think otherwise then you better be there to defend him. If not its no holds barred and NO 3 will be in effect. HAHAHA.
I will usually say firmly “no pushing/ fighting” in hope the parents will step in. If not, I will usually pull Chloe away.
One tip my colleague pass on is to teach the kid to defend. We cannot be there all the times, especially when they are at school so she teachers her daughter to push the bully away and tell them in firm voice “stop what you are doing!”.
Her theroy is, bullies will only bully those they think that will not fight back. So far it works for her daughter since kindergarten. Not sure if it will work for your case since Tru’s bully is still so young.
Lazymummy´s last post ..Mum’s 59th Birthday
hahah so she actually shoves her back? I’m just afraid Truett would overcompensate if I teach him to retaliate. “Hi Daphne, we just want to let you know that Truett broke Ben’s nose. He’s ok now, just got out of the ICU. You may want to relook at your parenting techniques.”