You know how people always say that motherhood is a gift? Nay, not just a gift, but a great, big, giant hamper of tiny little gifts just waiting to pop out and yell “SURPRISE” just when you least expect it.
The longer I’ve been a mom, the more I find this to be true. Except that some of these gifts I welcome with open arms but then there are those that I’d much rather not have, thankyouverymuch. It’s like Motherhood is this mean old woman who’s handing over a shiny box filled with worms and I’m like “um thanks, but I’ll pass” and she’s all “no, take it” and I’ll be all “no, seriously, there’s really no need, I’m good” and she shoves it into my hands with a snarly “I SAID TAKE IT” and then disappears.
Sort of like that, but worse because I’d take worms over these presents any day. Ok just to illustrate my point, here are some of them.
1. Broken Bladder.
Oh, yes. Ever wonder why some women stop dead in their tracks when they have to sneeze? Because after you have a baby, it’s physically impossible to walk and sneeze at the same time without peeing your pants a little. Or a lot. Whenever I feel a sneeze coming on, I have to casually find a nice spot to sit for a minute or so until I’m done.
2. Lopsided Boobs
These were my boobs before I had kids.
These are my boobs now.
3. Stretch Marks.
If you’ve ever attempted to put concealer on your stomach area in an effort to reduce the visible signs of stretch marks while wearing your bikini, bring it on in for a hi-5. No? Just me then.