lists you should paste on your fridge

Things you learn as a mom that you would otherwise never know

I’m talking about the serious stuff here. Besides the obvious ones like feeding and bathing and changing.  These are the elementary stuff that are already covered to death by yet another definitive parenting guide, on top of the thousands just like it.

Here are some of the real mothering lessons that books will not teach you and you will discover them suddenly when you are right smack in the middle of it. I keep adding new lessons to my repertoire because just when I think that I’ve learnt them all, it’s like they can come up with new ones just so I can keep learning. Here we call it lifelong learning.

1. Eating codfish makes your poop, pee and puke smell like rotting fish. Salmon is ok. But every time Tru eats codfish, it’s like I’m puckering up to a bucket of dead fish.

2. Freshly folded laundry is an open invitation to be messed up. I turn my back for 2 seconds and it’s all over the floor again faster than you can say “can’t touch this“.

3. They are never hungry at mealtimes and starving at all other times, especially when there’s ice-cream and cookies involved.

4. If you want to something destroyed or lost, tell your kid NOT to play with it.

5. You can go 3 days without doing the number 2 before it starts to count as constipation.

6. When you have a diaper emergency, a maxi pad, kleenex and tape will do the job.

7. It takes exactly 1 minute and 18 seconds to eat a plate of noodles standing over the kitchen counter while your kid shouts “eat, eat, eat, eat, eat

8. When you have no time for a proper meal, chocolate, chips and coke/coffee will give you all the energy you need. Sugar, carbs and caffeine – all the ingredients for a mother’s balanced diet.

9. If you are out and *really* need to warm up a bottle of milk, stuff it into your bra. That’s where it came from in the first place. Unless you got cold boobs then I suggest trying the armpits.

10. If you are out and *really* need to chill a bottle of freshly expressed milk, just use the a/c.

how i pretend to be a cool mum

Tis the season to be jolly

December is my favorite time of all because it’s Christmas. It’s also the end of the year, a time when people are generally more relaxed and less high-strung. The streets are bright and pretty. The air is fresh and crisp and cool(er). You have a skip in your step to keep in tune with the carols that float on by. I get to put up the tree and drink toffee nut latte. It’s the season of giving, which also means it’s the season of receiving. December heralds happy times.

Christmas is special for me. For as long as I could remember, Christmas is amazing. Even in the crappiest of years, Christmas always made me smile. There’s magic fairy dust in the air that makes people extra special nice on Christmas. If you ever want to sucker punch somebody in the face, do it on Christmas and you’re most likely to get away with it. But also make sure you can run very fast just in case they’re the grinch and  hate Christmas and actually are doubly crabby on the day that Jesus was born.

While we’re at it, you know why Christmas is so awesome? It’s got Jesus. As a baby. Plus little baby sheep. And *everybody* likes babies. That’s like having the most awesome thing in the world and making it even more awesome. It’s a recipe for success. I mean, I like Easter too because resurrecting from the dead is possibly the coolest thing ever and totally like in your face, satan, but the whole crucifixion thing is a bit of a dampener and it just makes you want to cry.

So like I said, when it comes to December, there’s love in the air.

In addition to my recent redecoration, I’ve put up the Christmas tree and started playing Christmas carols. (I’ve got a playlist of 162 songs related to Christmas so it takes me almost a week to get through the whole cycle) Looks like I’m all set for a perfect Christmas this year. Now all I need to do is check off my list of Christmas shopping and I’m good to go.

the tree

the tree

Ever since Tru was born, we’ve started a Christmas tradition. We all wake up on Christmas morning to fresh coffee, fluffy pancakes, bacon, ham, eggs and toast. Then we rip open the presents and party all the way till the evening when the entire extended family comes over for a blowout bash with caroling, turkey and pudding.

We’re going all out to make it special for the kids like getting them the coolest presents and packing the day with loads of fun. So that even after they grow up, they always remember the feeling of waking up on Christmas morning.

That feeling, it’s priceless.

not feeling so supermom, side effects of motherhood, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Just so you know, toddler sleep training is a pain in the ass

So Tru’s new nursery looks great and all, but it’s thrown his sleeping patterns all off, which is not good for me. I think the reasons are twofold. First, it’s way too fun to be doing any sleeping in. He can play on the bed all night and when he’s bored he can easily climb off anytime. FREEDOM!

Also, I think he feels insecure without his crib, like maybe it’s too exposed and therefore susceptible to attack from unknown entities. I tried explaining to him that if something was to attack him (ie a flying cockroach or gorgeous zombie with killer hair), it’s far better to be able to escape rather than be caged in but I’m not sure he gets it.

If there’s one thing I learnt about parenting, it is the need to change and adapt. Just when you’ve settled into a nice routine and you think that life is good, it’s time for a change. Sort of like ninja training. You have to keep an eye out for sudden sneak attacks because the so-called sense of security you feel, that’s false. Prior to the new beds, the kids were doing good. They sleep on their own without any fuss and they sleep through for 12 hours every night.

This transition to a toddler bed was harder than I thought. Now when I put Tru to bed for the night, I can’t just put him down on the bed, kiss him goodnight and walk out. He climbs off the bed like a streak of lightning and reaches the door before I do. Either that or he starts screaming his head off. I spent the whole week reading up on toddler sleep training methods and tried them all. You might want to know that ALL of them were a real pain in the ass.

1. Every time he gets out, just put him back into the bed and say it’s time to sleep.

According to the books, this is supposed to work after a week or two. Except that I may already be committed to the asylum by then. One nap, I did it 83 times (I counted) and he was still bright as a button. He thought it was some sort of a game and kept giggling. I gave up after that and let him sleep on my bed.

2. Put him on the bed and leave the room.

He shrieks like a banshee the moment I leave and goes on for a very long time. This worked when we were training him to sleep in his crib but somehow this seems terribly cruel and it would totally break my heart if I went in to see him slumped over on the floor after an hour.

3. Sit beside him and pat him till he falls asleep.

Anyone who’s tried this will tell you that sometimes, you can pat and pat and pat until your hands lose all feeling and they will still be grinning back at you. Tru does one better. He’ll be digging my eyes, putting things into my ears and then just as I’m about to lose it completely, he spread his arms wide and says hug. He knows that’s one thing I can’t refuse.

So it’s been a harrowing week. I came up with my own method which is perhaps an amalgamation of all of the above. When it’s time for a nap, I sit down beside him but on condition that he lies down without playing. If he tries to get off, I tell him that I’ll leave the room and he’s got to sleep on his own. Obviously he tried it and I left the room for 10 minutes while he screamed his head off. Now all I do is say lie down and close your eyes and it totally works. But it still takes him a while to fall asleep and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, I’ve got to be there to help him fall asleep again.

Which means that the little sleep I’ve got has gotten even less. My only consolation is that this transition has got to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it out of the way now and hopefully he learns to sleep on his own bed without momma’s intervention. Soon.