This is what it feels like to be electrocuted

I’ve never taken an IQ test in my life. Ever. The reasons are twofold. *Everyone* knows that IQ tests are not the most reliable gauge of one’s intelligence. And by everyone, I mean the stupid people. If I had an IQ score of 175, I’d be saying that IQ tests are THE ABSOLUTE MOST RELIABLE source on the face of this planet. And the second reason is because I’m secretly afraid that I’ll end up with a score of 40, which places me in the top 1% of the most retarded people in the world.

That’s why I don’t do it. And technically, I *could* have an IQ of 175 and be an extraordinary genius. The odds of that are not high, but I’m an optimist like that.

Yesterday, I think my worst fears have come true. I’m actually retarded in the most severe way. I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to roam the streets. The neighbors have been renovating and my house has been covered with a thick layer of dust, so in a bid to win the most awesome mom award, I decided to vacuum the floor so Tru won’t eat more dirt than usual. And thanks to a series of retarded actions, I ended up getting electrocuted. You heard me. E-L-E-C-T-R-O-C-U-T-E-D. Like fried by electricity.

1. Don’t ask me how it happened, but the plug of my vacuum cleaner has taken such a beating that it looks like this.

2. My mom always told me, “turn off the switch before plugging in any electrical appliance”, but did I listen? No. Obviously.

3. The plug was hanging loose, so I thought, “Ok, just use both my BARE HANDS and push it back in”.

4. As I touched the bare wiring of the plug with my bare hands, I got shocked with like 100 volts of electricity, and the impact of it threw me back several steps and next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

5. I should be dead right about now but I’m not. Obviously. Although my hands are twitching involuntarily and they have lost all feeling.

Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed. And definitely retarded.

After I got electrocuted, all I could think of was oh God, please don’t let me die because I’m too young to die and the husband is going to come home to find a dead wife and 2 screaming kids, one of which witnessed his mother being fried. And what about my hair? People are going to come to the wake and laugh hysterically because I look like Einstein, except blacker.

Seriously, THANK YOU, GOD. And all of you, listen to your mother and don’t touch an open plug with your bare hands because you might not survive to tell the tale.