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truett

kids inc

Mommy’s little girl

July 24, 2009

It’s amazing how being awake at 3 in the morning can give you immense clarity on things. Here I am half asleep and stoned out of my mind, hoping I don’t somehow spasm and drop the baby while I feed her. With one hand I’m holding her bottle, and with the other, I’m stroking her head to induce sleepiness so she will fall right back asleep after her feed (I’m a genius like that).

And as I’m holding her, it hits me that I now have a little girl in my arms. Ever since the delivery, I’ve been so caught up with the baby blues and the crying and exhaustion that I haven’t had time to really take in the awesomeness of it all.

my-girl-2

With Tru, I feel awfully proud all the time. Like he’s the coolest, cheekiest, most charming boy I’ve ever seen, and I can’t help feeling like one proud mama. He’s all ruddy and scruffy and I know that someday soon, he’ll be too big to my Mommy’s boy. Which is fine by me, cos who wants a namby pamby boy anyway? I’d much rather he goes out to explore the world and come home regaling stories of his adventures.

tru-ride

But now, holding my baby girl, I feel incredibly overwhelmed. She’s so girly and sweet and she’s got this lovely way of looking at me like I mean the world to her. She’s got daddy’s eyes, Tru’s nose and mommy’s drop-dead gorgeous everything else. She’s going to grow up to be a heartbreaker, and we’ll have to have to fight off boys till she’s 25. Or 45. Whichever comes later. Girls are different because she will always be Mommy’s little princess. Even when she’s all grown up and has her own kids, I would still shower her with hugs and kisses and we’ll have long chats over coffee by the fireplace (I’m thinking Lake Tahoe). I’m looking forward to those.

I often wondered before she was born if I would have enough love for the both of them, and whether I’d be able to divide it equally between them. Now I realize that you somehow find it within you to love them more that you ever thought possible. So I’m losing my sleep and a little bit of my sanity. I have been showered with all sorts of bodily fluids. I’m carrying the kids so much that I have lost all feeling in my arms (and they are also scarily muscular). But I’m their mommy, so I’ll suck it up and keep going in exchange for some hugs and kisses.

So before the madness begins again, I have to capture the moment and write this down. It’ll be all hands on deck when they wake up in the morning, so for now, I’m savoring the moment for just a little longer.

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kids inc

One is the loneliest number

July 23, 2009
siblings

siblings

I’m really glad that my 2 kids are taking well to each other. At first, I was a little concerned about sibling rivalry and whether Tru would get jealous of the new baby that is taking away all of Mommy’s time and attention. The first time he came to visit me in the hospital, he refused to look at Kirsten or go near her. Then we decided to get him a present saying that it was from his baby sister, and everything changed.

Over the past week, he’s been unbelievably sweet to her and just looking at them both makes me feel like it’s worth it, that I made the right choice having them so close together.

Being a single child and having all the attention is overrated. I have a brother who is 13 months older than me and growing up, we had a blast doing all sorts of crazy stuff together. It’s the next best thing to having a twin. I mean, it’s no fun playing alone and there’s nobody to cover your ass when you’re sneaking out to watch a movie instead of doing a school project. Of course there were many occasions where we were clawing each other’s eyes out, but I always knew that at the end of the day, he totally had my back.

Naturally, I’m hoping that the two kids will grow up being best friends. I don’t even mind if they conspire to conjure mischief. My superior Mommy brain will see it coming from a mile off anyway. I reckon my parents knew all our little tricks back then, but they indulged us once in a while.

I have a feeling Tru will be an awesome big brother. These days, the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up is to go and kiss Kirsten (and also poke her eyes and mouth – but I’m taking it as a sign of affection). It’s really sweet and on her part, Kirsten doesn’t seem to mind the occasional poke or smack to the face.

Just the other day, baby girl was crying for milk in the morning, and Tru was beside her drinking his milk. After like 10 seconds of her crying, he put down his bottle and started shouting at her, but not in a vicious way. Like “aahhh, aaahhh, aaahhhh”. I suspect he was trying to tell her that it’s ok, but he figured she probably couldn’t hear him with all the screaming so he decided to shout too. It was actually hilarious.

I think it’s going to be so fun with the two of them around.

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kids inc

Sleep is for the weak

July 21, 2009

Sleep is for the weak

I forgot how fun it is to take care of a newborn. I’ve gotten so used to Tru that I’ve taken it for granted that he sleeps peacefully through the night in his own room, feeds without fussing and does all kinds of cute stuff to cheer me up.

Is it bad that every moment of every day, I wish Kirsten will grow up sooner? It’s just been a week into her birth and I’m exhibiting all the signs of a sleep-deprived wreck.

My days and nights have been broken into 2.5 hour cycles of struggling to breastfeed (45 mins), bottle-feeding (30 mins), expressing milk (30 mins) and 45 mins to do whatever else need to be done at home. And there’s the insomnia. I’d try to lie down to catch forty winks intermittently through the day, but it usually takes me a good 30 mins to fall asleep. Then before I know it, Kirsten is screaming again.

When I’m awake, I hardly have the time or energy to spend quality moments with Tru and I feel awful about that too. He’s been a real trooper, entertaining himself and being real cooperative. Sometimes he would take a toy to me, indicating that he wants to play while I’m feeding Kirsten, and I’d be all frazzled like “Later, Tru, Mommy’s busy right now”. And right after, I would feel so bad that I’ll spend the next 15 mins bawling my eyes out. Even though he’s right there, I really miss my boy. I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m neglecting him.

Just last night, I slept a total of 90 mins because Kirsten was having a blast pooping on me and fussing and refusing to latch on again. Every feed its like a game of roulette, I have no idea if she’s going to latch on or suckle for 30 seconds before screaming or just start wailing the moment she touches my breast.

Now that the milk is in, I have no idea what else to do to make her feed direct from the breast. I’ll probably give myself till next Mon to keep trying. Its just too insane having to take so any extra steps expressing and formula-feeding and having to force her to latch on.

The depression is also causing me to lose all appetite, which is probably a good thing in the weigh-loss department. But I’ve gotta eat if I want to breastfeed, so I’m forcing down food even though I feel like throwing up half the time.

I need to sleep, but the end is nowhere in sight. I’m starting to hallucinate and become incoherent. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy to have 2 kids back to back. It seemed like such a good idea back then, and I was so sure I’d be able to handle it. But I’m up to my eyeballs as it is, and sooner or later, something’s gotta give. I just hope its not my sanity.

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