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Having kids is like a license to buy all sorts of useless baby stuff. I think its a condition that hits all new mothers, and they go on a rampage to amass the most frivolous baby items. If I were a business person, all I would sell are colorful baby-related stuff that serves no real purpose whatsoever. And I’d be RICH! Seriously, just add a cute baby picture to any product and mothers are guaranteed to go all googly-eyed over it.

Before I had babies, I used to think that I was a very rational buyer. I would do intensive research online and check the reviews and head down to the store to test the product like 5 times before buying something. But it all changed when I got pregnant with Tru. I was obsessed with the kids department in all the stores. It was like an addiction. I could spend hours poring over racks of baby clothes, mittens, booties, soft toys… you name it. Everything was all so tiny and cute, I was totally hooked.

If the husband didn’t confiscate all my credit cards, I would have ended up with a truckload of oh-so-cute but oh-so-useless baby stuff. Here’s a few examples so you know what to avoid when you’re shopping for your kids.

1. Zaky Infant Pillow

It’s a pair of brown adult-sized (by adult sized, I’m referring to a tiny giant) pillow hands complete with fingers, which you can put on your baby while he sleeps. And check out the tagline.

Zaky – It’s Like Leaving a Part of You with Your Baby

Now, how freaky is that? At first, I thought it was an interesting concept, but then again, unless your last name is Addams, you probably wouldn’t want your baby to wake up and find a pair of dismembered hands holding him. Think of all the hours of counseling you could avoid in the future if you just had the good sense to not riddle your kid with so many issues during his formative years.

2. Pee Pee Teepee

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGKFga8fJ6A

This is really good. I first came across this ingenious product while watching Brothers and Sisters, where Calista Flockhart’s character was raving about the benefits of the pee pee teepee. So this is how it works. You know how boys suddenly have the urge to pee the moment the diaper is off? I have lost count of the number of times I got hit by a projectile of pee during nappy changes. But with the PPTP, all you need to do is place the little soft cloth cone over the pee pee when the diaper is off, and what do you know? Crisis averted!

But there’s just one thing though. I think the makers of the PPTP underestimated the force that can be generated from a baby’s bladder. There’s been reports that when the baby starts to pee, it causes the PPTP to fly up and hit your face, followed by the stream of lovely, warm liquid.

3. Babykeeper

The babykeeper is a contraption used by mothers to inflict torture on the babies they HATE with a passion. It’s a pouch-like device with lots of hanging straps to put your baby in. You can then hang them safely from the wall or the ceiling while you go do your stuff. When I first came across this device, I was wondering could ever possess a parent to hang their child from the wall?

Then it suddenly struck me. It’s useful in so many ways. You can swing them like a pendulum just for kicks, tickle them senseless without having to pin down their arms and even use him to scare birds that fly into my kitchen. And all the while knowing that they are in safe hands. What could be better?

4. Tummy Tub

First of all, this looks like a pail I could buy from the store at the market for $2.99. You know the kind they use to put fish in. And some dude came up with the idea of putting a newborn inside , which makes it look like some bizarre Anne Geddes creation. It’s supposed to have many benefits like making the baby feel safe and secure, like he’s still inside the womb.

If you ask me, I’d say it’s a bunch of bollocks. Let’s just say that if I wanted to squeeze my kid into a tiny pail (which I don’t), I wouldn’t be paying $100 for it.

5. Bat and Wobble Penguin

Sorry, Uncle Toh, but this makes the list of top 5 useless baby stuff. I can understand how a bat and wobble anything may possibly be fun for a 3-year-old toddler with violent tendencies. But a baby does not possess the reflexes to avoid the malicious onslaught of an evil penguin and chances are, they will be hit in the face more times than they can count. My son hates it so much he will not come near it with a 10-foot barge pole.

These days, I use it as a paper weight to hold down stuff.

I’m sure there are plenty of other useless baby stuff you can think of. Here’s just a few to get you started.  Feel free to add on to the list!