Browsing Category

unqualified parenting tips

unqualified parenting tips

Preparing for the toddler apocalypse

June 7, 2011

Kids and meltdowns are like bees and honey. Or popcorn and movies. Or Spongebob and Patrick. They go together and you don’t get one without the other.

And every parent’s greatest dilemma is how to deal with those meltdowns. Should you cave and give them whatever they want for a get-out-of-jail-free-pass or stand your ground and brace yourself for the toddler apocalypse?

Giving in to their demands can be a quick solution but when the demand is for blueberries handpicked from a pack of Post’s Blueberry Morning (without that speck of cereal, mom) and arranged in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head, the meltdown seems like the lesser of two evils.

Still, it’s often a tough call.

Here’s a chart to help you deal with meltdowns more effectively (click to enlarge).

by
homeschooling, Kirsten goes to school, Truett goes to school, unqualified parenting tips

Shampoo-making fun

May 31, 2011

It’s June! Which means the school holidays are upon us. While that technically makes no difference to my kids who are on permanent school holiday, I’m happy because June means I’ve got lots of options to keep the kids occupied with fun and potentially educational activities.

After 5 months of home-schooling, I’m running out of ideas to make learning FUN AND EXCITING for the kids. Crayons? Boring! Chalk on the sidewalk? Huh, not again! Clay modeling? Don’t want. All they want to do is sit on the couch and watch Pixar animated movies all day. But no, I never agree to that because I’m a VERY RESPONSIBLE mother. Except when I’m busy. Or tired. Or feel like being a slug and watching Monsters, Inc for the 25th time.

Last weekend, we brought the kids for a shampoo-making class organized by Little Newtons at Forum, Orchard. It was great because 1) I’ve never made my own shampoo before, 2) the kids could learn something scientific for a change and 3) I could steal the recipe and never have to buy shampoo again.

The lesson was meant for kids above 4 but the prerequisite for joining was the ability to hold a beaker and stir, which my kids are fairly good at after all those cooking lessons.

Peruse Specimen A: stirring like champs.

In fact, Tru was stoning away like “um, you got something more challenging for me? I can stir without looking aight…”

I was surprised that they enjoyed it as much as they did because this is not what happens when I conduct lessons at home. They just sat there and listened to words like ammonium chloride and super-shampoo-strawberry-serumide (or it could have been some superlong sulphate word) with rapt attention.

I tried doing a science lesson at home once and they were climbing everywhere and stuffing toys in my nostrils. Not cool, guys.

They got to present their work to the class right at the end, which was a nice touch because it’s never too early for kids to learn public speaking.

BTW, if you’re into home-made shampoos and stuff, you probably want to check out Four Cow Farm, an organic range of home-made shampoos and baby creams. The kids have been using it for a couple of weeks and it’s really quite good. I love the Nappy Balm and the Calendula Remedy, which are like a miracle balms for eczema, rashes, bites, minor cuts, burns and grazes. I keep it in the fridge and now the kids know how to ask for the “cold cream” when they’re itching or injured.

According to company founder, Delphinia, all the ingredients are pure enough to eat and they’re all cooked in a huge pot in her mother-in-law’s kitchen in Australia. That’s pretty awesome.

PS. Update from Delphinia: These days, the products aren’t make in the kitchen anymore because it got too small so they converted one of the old dairy sheds into a production/kitchen room and her MIL makes the products there. So instead of a regular kitchen, it’s now made in a larger sort of kitchen that’s just dedicated to cooking creams.

by
unqualified parenting tips

Saying no shouldn’t have to be this hard

April 21, 2011

Before I had kids, I used to take issue with over-indulgent parents who gave in to the every whim and fancy of their precious (and usually obnoxious) offspring. What happened to the good old fashioned N-O? It’s relatively simple, a “no sweetie, you can’t have that extra fifth helping of ice-cream” or “no, shoving that helpless blind guy is wrong, pumpkin.”

I was so sure that when it came to my turn, I’d be the parent who knew how to say no. But turns out, saying no to kids is like running for elections against the PAP – very difficult.

First of all, it’s a primal parent instinct. There’s something about popping an 8-pound human out of your bits that makes you want to give them everything they ask for. Like “look kid, I’ve given up my career, my holidays, my shopping and my privacy, I might as well just throw in that shiny new swingset. You want that 300-piece dollhouse too? Bam, done. And while we’re at it, here’s every single Beyblade known to humankind.”

And then there’s the fallout that is just so fun to deal with. The pleading, the tears, the dramatic soap opera wails, and every other weapon in the arsenal every kid. Sometimes I consider saying no when they ask to have that last pack of gummy and I’ll spend a moment thinking of the impending meltdown and I totally chicken out because I am literally too exhausted to deal.

This morning, baby girl woke up and with her sleepy eyes, she asked if I could bring her for a helicopter ride. I mean, most kids ask for a toy helicopter but no, my kid wants to be up on an actual helicopter. And I know that she knows what it is because she’s been watching Pixar’s Cars where Mater gets to go on one of them fancy helicopter rides. I’ve never even gone on a helicopter myself but now that’s the latest addition to my bucket list. Bring my baby girl for a spin in a helicopter.

The way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with indulging the kids every now and then. I can’t help wanting to give my kids the best and if that comes in the form of a spanking new Playstation 3 or a helicopter ride, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But it’s important that our kids don’t grow up with an entitlement complex and we try to do it by teaching 2 things: gratefulness and patience. To be thankful for the things they do get and patient in waiting for the things they don’t.

That’s probably why we sometimes say no to them just for kicks. And when they respond with maturity, they usually get what they want sooner than later.

by
love bites, sexytime, unqualified parenting tips

Supersex: the parent edition

February 24, 2011

What I’m going to say next falls squarely in the category of too much information so if you’re weirdish about this sort of thing or happen to be my kids, you can STOP READING NOW and go see some pictures of cute puppies instead.

You’ve probably heard people say that the sexytime game changes the moment you have kids but they don’t say exactly how it changes or what to do about it. They make generic statements like “kids are the opposite of aphrodisiacs” and laugh uncomfortably, which just makes you feel even more uncomfortable for them. It doesn’t help the cause when you look at frazzled couples holding a screaming baby and snapping away at each other.

When you’re baby-free and having smokin’ hot action, you tell yourself that you’re the exception to the rule. You’re all “baby or no baby, momma’s bringing her A game”. In your head, you think you can sneak in a quickie during their naps or do the long snuggles when they’re nicely tucked into bed at 7.30.

And that sound you hear is the present me totally mocking the pre-baby me right now.

The moment the kids came along, it was like my libido hastily bought a one-way ticket to Siberia and has been sending me postcards ever since. Where we used to do the whole spontaneous clothes ripping routine to boom-chica-wow-wow music, now we have discussions on penciling in whoopie nights to screaming kids in the background that go something like this.

Me: How about Friday? Friday looks good, TGIF wooo!

Kel: We’ve got that thing on Friday, we’ll be way too tired by the time we get back. Saturday?

Me: Nah-uh. We’re playing Manchester City at 11. Unless we do it before the match.

Kel: Can’t. My match is before your match.

Me: Ok, Sunday afternoon 2.30 when the kids are asleep.

Kel: Cool.

Then along comes Sunday afternoon and one of the kids will refuse to nap or I’ll fall asleep for 3 hours while trying to get the kids to nap.

It’s not that parents can’t have great sex. It just takes a lot more effort and advanced planning, while dealing with exhaustion, postpartum depression, leaky boobs, cramps, fussy babies and a whole lot of tension. Seeing how we’ve been conditioned to think that the best sex happens in the heat of the moment, it’s no wonder that people don’t think much of postpartum sex.

Ok, so then the question is how to keep the magic going when it seems like sex is the furthest thing on your mind. Ah, let me refer you to my handy little list of awesome tips.

1. Plan to be spontaneous

That’s not an oxymoron. Babies don’t afford you much luxury for spontaneity, unless you count their spontaneous screaming and vomiting the moment you start start removing articles of clothing. You want to be spontaneous? Plan for date night, get a babysitter, put on those garters and go do something fun then see where the night takes you.

2. Dress up just for kicks

Here’s one for all the stay home moms. When you’re at home running after babies all day, you don’t care that you look like Susan Boyle on a bad day, or that your milk-stained tee hasn’t been changed since you can’t even remember how long ago. Put on some makeup and find a reason to get out a little just to mix it up a bit.

3. Spend quality alone time without the kids

Parent mode is like preparing for battle – not at all conducive for the sexytime. It’s only when we get some time off from the kids that we get to feel like kids again, which means we’re more likely to do fun stuff.

4. Do the grand gestures

The problem with a routine is that you end up doing the same thing the same way because if it ain’t broke, why fix it right? Wrong. Girls still like the scented candles and rose petals even if it means the kids are likely to set the house on fire. Play the lingerie-treasure-hunt-dress-up game. Don’t know what that is? Never mind, make up your own game.

5. Manage the expectations

This is perhaps the most important part. Most of the time, the sex doesn’t happen and when it does, it doesn’t happen the way you want it to. You put on your wonder woman costume and the kids decide to have a bad dream. That’s when you got to roll with the punches and find some other way to make the magic happen, capisce?

by
unqualified parenting tips

My guide to dealing with toddler tantrums. It may or may not make things worse for you

February 15, 2011

The terrible twos are upon us again, this time courtesy of my not so baby girl.

I can’t believe it’s been more than a year ago that I was doing this with Tru. He used to have episodes where he would fling himself to the ground in rage and scream non stop in public places.

Logically, I know this is a phase and I have been preparing myself mentally for it for several months now but being in it is not the same. Whenever she’s upset (which happens frequently), she squats down (very civilized, thankfully none of that flinging to the ground business), clenches her fists, scrunches up her face and makes gorilla-mouthed screaming noises. Then I just think to myself “WHO TOOK MY SWEET LITTLE BABY GIRL AND SWAPPED IT WITH AN TINY ANGRY GORILLA?”

It actually looks very cute in an I-just-want-to-squeeze-her-tight sort of way but that only makes her lose it even more.

So I’ve developed a guide to dealing with toddler tantrums:

1. The more people there are, the more likely they are to scream louder and longer. With an audience, they start to think they’re Claire Danes going all emo in Romeo and Juliet so bring them to a deserted, preferably dimly-lit corner for them to wake up their idea.

2. There’s no point offering temporary distractions. Usually the iPhone is a wonderful distraction tool and I offered it to Kirsten when she was having a meltdown only to have her swipe at furiously like a frienzied monkey while screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO. It sent my iPhone crashing to the ground and got me all upset. It’s not good to have more than one upset person at one time.

3. You can’t hug the tantrum out of them. You know how on TV, the girl will have a tantrum and the guy will hold her while she beats his chest but then after a while, she stops because she realizes that she’s being unreasonable and a hug makes it all better. Um, DOES NOT WORK ON BABIES. You try hugging them in the middle of a tantrum and they will give you a flying kick to the jaw. That’ll solve nothing and give you mommy-rejection issues. Trust me on that one.

4. Forget trying to talk reason into them. First of all, on good days, they’re barely able to handle reasonable discourse. Trying to talk sense into a screaming child is like trying to talking sense to an actual angry gorilla. Good luck with that.

5. For the good news, they will get tired and calm down eventually. It can take 5 minutes or 45 minutes, depending on how upset and resilient they are. Sometimes, we all just need a good scream to make us feel better and that’s the point to get your momma lovin’ on.

by
lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Beauty in the ugly or beauty in the beauty? I choose the latter

February 10, 2011

I came across this ugly dating site recently and it’s got one of the best copy I’ve read in a while. I spent 10 minutes straight laughing till I had tears and then I made the husband read it because it’s exactly the kind of thing we both like. Yes, other marriages are built on awesome things like trust and sacrifice while ours is built mostly upon a shared appreciation for quirky humor.

As I wiped the tears of mirth from my eyes, I got to thinking about the cliches parents love to tell their kids. Like it’s not important how you look on the outside but who you really are on the inside. Or inner beauty counts for more than one’s outward appearance.

Sounds profound and credible but really a ginormous load of bollocks.

Ok, time for some hard truths – parenting style.

1. Good looking people make more money

We’ve known for years now that statistically, good looking people earn a good 10% more than ugly people at least. Depending on how good-looking you are, the proportion is usually higher. If you look like Beyonce, you’re set to earn about $87 million a year.

2. Good looking people are more popular

Let’s face it, the popular kids in school are almost always the best looking ones. Take for example the jocks with the tight muscles, chiseled features and boyish charm – every girl wants to be with them and every guy wants to be them.

3. Good looking people have it easier in life

By easier, I mean that they are more likely to get what they want by batting an eyelid or a seductive glance thrown in with a hair flick. They never queue up for clubs, never have to buy their own drinks and never ever have to make the first move.

With all that in mind, why in the world would I ever tell my child that their appearance is unimportant? I’m not saying that inner beauty is not important but it’s only by a twisted logic of fairness in the universe can we argue that it’s mutually exclusive. I’m all for being beautiful on the inside but people are less inclined to look for it if they have to dig through 27 layers of ugly to get there.

What I teach the kids is that they shouldn’t judge others by how they look and learn to appreciate inner beauty because good-looking people aren’t always good people. At the same time, I also teach them that first appearances do matter and they will go through life having many people judge them based on how they look.

If they have crazy hair, people will assume at first glance that they are at least a little bit crazy. If they have terrible dressing, people will mistake them for a hobo. If they have bad breath and smelly feet, people without nasal problems will keep their distance. If they walk with a slouch, people will subconsciously think they’re lazy. If they are brash and crude, well, that’s just bad manners.

While they’re young, I take it as my responsibility to make sure they look good. That includes giving them a haircut that enhances their features, dressing them well (not necessarily expensively, just nicely), teaching them proper grooming habits, choosing nice spectacles (if they ever need specs), keeping them at the right weight, ensuring good posture and so on.

It’s a romantic notion that we should be loved for who we really are so we don’t have to try to hard to impress others with our looks but again, that only works if you look like Kate Beckinsale without makeup. For the rest of us, we have to put in some serious work in the looks department.

Now, I agree that there’s no one version of beauty and that it’s in the eye of the beholder. I’m just talking about general consensus here. If 9/10 objective strangers think you’re hot, you’re probably hot. Conversely, if 10/10 think you look like Kim Jong Il on a bad day, that’s some pretty strong indication that a revamp is in order.

I get that not everyone is born with the best features but the important thing is to work with what we have. If you look like a 3, try to bump it up to a 6 or 7, you know what I mean. If you’re already a 7, no harm going for a 9.5.

In summary, I guess what I’m saying is that looks matter more than we like to admit. We think that we’re mature for being able to appreciate inner beauty but secretly, we all judge others based on how they look whether we’re conscious of it or not. So why not teach our kids to look their best so they get to be beautiful on the inside and out.

What do you think? Am I way off base here?

by
lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Golden nuggets of parenting wisdom or utterly useless information. Same thing.

January 20, 2011

1. Whenever I ask Kirsten to turn around, she always turns a full 360 degrees to land in the same spot. When she turns around, she turns A ROUND.

2. To the kids, every type of meat is called chicken. Fish is chicken, pork is chicken and chicken is chicken. Good thing they love chicken.

3. According to Truett, only horses and cows eat green vegetables. What does Truett eat? Gummies.

4. Something special is code for chips, chocolate, popcorn or candy. Gummies aren’t considered something special because they’re supposed to get them everyday.

5. Kirsten knows the right names for all the body parts except for belly button, which is called ORT. Because whenever she digs momma’s belly button, momma always goes OUCH.

6. The kids unanimously go “UNCLE!! What are you doing??” with vigorous hand gestures every time I have to jam the brakes while driving. I’m not saying who they learnt it from.

7. When Tru is supposed to eat vegetables, he falls mysteriously ill and “needs to vomit”. When it’s time for ice-cream, he’s miraculously not coughing or vomiting.

8. Poop always happens at the most inconvenient moments. Like the time baby girl pooped in her swimsuit while swimming and it was all stuck around her thighs and bum.

9. Telling them not to do stuff is basically saying “kids, this is more fun than riding a unicorn while feasting on gummies; you want to do this if it’s the last thing you do”.

10. They are more likely to do something if I can somehow manage to con one kid into doing it. “See, korkor/meimei is doing this” is extremely effective.

by