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Life is nothing like riding a bike.

October 5, 2010

With a photo like this, you’d think I’m going to write a motivational piece on how life is like riding a bike and something about getting up when we fall, which is remotely related to how winners are those who never quit. Stuff like that.

But then you probably came to the wrong blog because there is no such lesson to be learnt here.

This is a story about a girl who wanted to ride a bike but her legs were too short and she was grunting away, with beads of sweat trickling down her face, trying to muster all the energy from her little calfs but that bike wouldn’t even budge an inch. I was about to launch into one of my life lessons about not giving up but then she started shrieking because MOMMA WHY IS MY BIKE NOT MOVING? SOMEBODY PUSH ME AROUND NOW!!

So as I pushed her around while she pretended to pedal, I realized that it was I who had something to learn. The sort of secret lessons you only get to learn when you’re a parent.

1. Screaming does get you what you want.

Most of the time anyway. Even parents who start out thinking that they are not going to give in to their kid’s screams usually cave after 2 days with a newborn who does nothing but scream. After that, kids learn very quickly that every time they scream, there’s an 8% chance they will get ignored, 13% chance they will get the naughty corner and for the rest of the 79%, they get exactly what they want.

2. Even if you can’t do something, at least look like you can.

It’s called wayang, another important lesson we all need to learn. We’ll never be able to know how to do everything, but the key is to first look like we can. Then go ask someone to teach you, or better still, shout orders at them and make them do it for you. Bam, problem solved.

If you have difficulty making people do what you want, refer to lesson 1.

3. Life is nothing like riding a bike.

Not even close. Some days life is more like pulling a rickshaw barefoot on hot coals while getting beaten with a stick. But you can always hope that one day you’ll be the dude cruising along in your Maserati with the top down and the wind in your hair. The bad news is that you may not end up getting your Maserati dream but the good news is that you’re not going to be pulling the rickshaw forever so at some point we all just got to learn to chill and enjoy the ride.

It’s really not as profound as it sounds.

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Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, the breast things in life are free

Results in 30 days or your money back.

September 27, 2010

If you’re also a mom, you’re probably sympathetic to the fact that post-baby, your body is never going back to the way it was before. I blame all those slimming centre commercials with all the before and after shots (which were all probably photoshopped in anyway) because they make it look so easy. Pop 3 kids, wear some glad wrap and bam, you’re back to a svelte 45kgs.

Wrong.

First of all, glad wrap doesn’t work. Yeah, I’ve tried. I even let the masseuse slather me with some miracle ginger concoction that’s supposed to burn all my fats away. All it does is give you a hernia and you can’t even pee the entire time, which will mess with your bladder. Fail.

Oh, it’s all about controlling the food intake, you say? Ever since baby girl popped, I’ve been down to having 1 or 2 meals a day. If I’m lucky enough to find time to wolf down a sandwich in the morning, it’ll take me to dinnertime when the husband gets off work. If not, I only get to eat at 2 or 3 in the afternoon when the kids go to bed. I know there are a lot of theories on how eating at irregular hours will trick your body into storing fats but let’s just put it this way. My body is going to store more fats if I have more food than if I have less. Basic math, people.

Then there’s the exercise. Which I do not have the time for. If I have a spare hour in the day, I’m going to use it to eat, take a shower, catch some shut eye and watch the new season of Grey’s Anatomy. In that order. Doing squats to Richard Simmons on DVD is very far down my list of things do to on a day I manage to squeeze out some free time.

What makes it worse is that after you have a baby, you have to work doubly hard to keep in shape, as if it wasn’t hard enough before you had the baby.

But not to fear because I’m about to tell you how to get rid of that postpartum baby bulge – which is already sans the baby so it’s just a bulge – right in the comfort of your living room. And you don’t even have to spend thousands of dollars on expensive gym equipment. Now that you’ve already gone ahead and had the baby, might as well make the most of it.

1. Breastfeed.

For those of you who are still breastfeeding, DON’T STOP. Until your kid is 12. I think it starts to get a bit weird once they start hitting puberty but up till then, it’s all cool. Every breastfeeding session is equivalent to one solid workout at the gym so you can still watch tv and snack on nachos with extra cheese while those gym rats are huffing and puffing away pumping iron.

2. Weightlifting while on the treadmill.

Mothers are the masters of multitasking and we should use that to our advantage. When the baby is screaming and demanding to be rocked to sleep, it’s the best time to get in that extra workout. At one point I had to carry baby girl and run around the house in order to get her to fall asleep. I lost a whole kg in that week alone. Then I got lazy and left her to sleep on her own, at which point I gained it right back. And then some.

3. Drills.

I used to do this a lot during my basketball training days so I’ve incorporated some of them into my daily routine with the kids. So I’ll be fixing their lunch in the kitchen when I suddenly hear a scream or a thump or worse still, absolute silence and I drop everything, leap over the baby gate, rush into the room to find the kids up to some mischief, yell at them a little, remember that my food is getting burnt and dash back into the kitchen. Repeat.

4. Endurance training.

These days, there are all sorts of fancy schmancy baby slings and carriers to keep the baby stuck to your hip as you potter around and do your motherly stuff. Use them. It keeps the baby quiet and you get to work out a little while you do the dishes or clear the chores around the house. You may get a slipped disc at some point but if you’re a real athlete, that’s part of the package. No pain, no gain. (which is what my nazi lactation consultant said as she manhandled my boobs and the next person who says that to me will be punched in the gut)

5. Make up your own

It just doesn’t seem right to end with 4 points so you get to come up with your own. It’s like an assignment that nobody wants to do but I’m asking anyway because I’m all out.

PS. If you tried it all and nothing works, crap, just do this.

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lists you should paste on your fridge

Mirror, mirror on the wall, Who’s the peepeeiest of them all?

August 31, 2010

Baby girl is starting to pick up words and guess what’s her favorite word these days? PEEPEE (which is her way of saying pretty, not that she wants to pee). While pointing to herself vigorously for emphasis.

I never thought having a girl was going to be so different from having a boy but it is.

So here’s how you know you’ve got a girl on your hands. Well, I suppose you can just go straight to checking those girly bits to be sure but then where’s the fun in that?

1. They’ve got to pick their own clothes, usually something pink with flowers or strawberries or rainbows or snowflakes or candy canes.

I used to think that it was a matter of conditioning, where girls end up liking pink because everyone told them that it was a girly color but that’s really a myth. See, since she was born, I’ve been dressing Kirsten in Tru’s hand-me-downs at home which is made up of mostly blues and yellows. But that doesn’t stop her from going pink-crazy every time she sees a pink dress with flowers in the store. “Peepee, peepee” she says, telling me that I should get it for her.

2. They milk every ounce of pain sympathy from daddy.

Baby girl has got it figured out that she gets extra love and attention when she’s in pain so she deliberately knocks her head on the wooden bars of her cot and goes “pain pain, bwahhh…painnnnnnn”, knowing that daddy will rush to pick her up and smother her with kisses.

3. Their idea of being cheeky is throwing cornflakes on the floor.

She gives me an I’m-trying-hard-to-be-cheeky look whenever she does something mildly naughty but never goes all out because deep down inside, she really wants to be good. I don’t have the heart to tell her that throwing cornflakes doesn’t even make it into the top 10 list of things her brother has done to make me lose my marbles.

4. They let you hug and kiss them for as long as you want.

My favorite baby girl time of the day is when she just wakes up from her afternoon nap. She’ll look all pleased with herself as I squeeze her tight and kiss her a thousand times. Then she’ll snuggle on my lap to read books and listen to me talk about stuff for a good 30 minutes. I’ve never gone more than 2 minutes with Tru on my lap.

5. Shoes and bags. Mostly just shoes for now.

All my life, I’ve never owned more than 3 pairs of shoes at any one time – 1 pair of birkis, 1 pair of trainers and 1 pair of black work shoes. I’ve never seen the fuss about shoes but I tell the husband that at some point, I will have a walk-in shoe cabinet filled with shoes to make up for all the shoes I’ve been missing out on and they will likely be called Manolos and Louboutins. Baby girl already has 8 pairs and counting. And she know exactly where they are kept so she’ll go try them out and parade around in them whenever she’s bored at home.

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i embarrass myself sometimes, lists you should paste on your fridge, side effects of motherhood

I should stop being so weird.

July 29, 2010

Quirks, we all have them. A peculiarity of behavior that we can’t explain or understand, really. Some are cute, others weirdishly charming and some downright bizarre. Most of mine were acquired during childhood and they have been honed to perfection these 20-some years. I can control them if I need to (like when I’m trying to impress a guy or at an important meeting) but not for long because after a while, I get all irritable and twitchy.

Here’s my list of all time favorite quirks.

1. Walking in between the lines of tiles in the pavement. I absolutely have to avoid stepping on the lines, even if I end up walking like a very uncoordinated gargoyle. Two small steps, then one large step, and so on. Depending on the size of the tiles, I modify my steps so that they’re just right. If I manage to complete the whole pavement line-free, I win!

2. Eating my fishball skin first before eating the meat. Same goes for Ferrero Rochers and those 9-layer cakes. I’m very systematic about my eating habits and one time, the husband took a huge random bite out of my 9-layer cake while I was meticulously peeling off layer by layer. Let’s just say that I was really upset at having my masterpiece destroyed.

3. Always going for the left side first. I brush my teeth from left to right. I wear my left shoe first. I always clean my left ear first. I cut my left fingernails first. Starting from the right just makes me very uncomfortable.

4. Counting my candy. This is so subconscious and most of the time, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I reach 25, by which time I’m all like “shoots, I’m doing it again, stop counting, stop, stop it!” I count every single m&m while I eat them and when I’m done, I count everything that’s left in the bag. Multiple times.

5. Singing in the shower. Seriously, I can’t help it. I don’t sing at the top of my voice because that’s just too weird, but I do it just loud enough for me to hear. And also, when the song is really groovy, I dance. Stop judging me.

The list is way longer than that but some will go with me to my grave because it falls under the bizarre-shit-nobody-should-ever-know category. Anyway, I’ve recently discovered that Tru has a list of very interesting quirks as well. Things like these:

1. He doesn’t eat soft food. He used to eat porridge and mashed up baby food as a baby but one day he just decided that it was totally gross. I think it gives him a weird feeling in his mouth and food he stays away from include mashed potatoes, chee cheong fun, porridge, and peanut butter. Yes, he hates peanut butter. I gave it to him once and he scrunched up his face and shivered like he had never tasted anything so foul in his life.

2. I’m not allowed face out when I’m patting him to sleep on my bed. That creeps him out big time. Every time I face away from him, he climbs over, grabs my face and tells me to “turn around” so that he can see me looking at him while he sleeps.

3. He’s got to have all his toys lined up beside him on the bed before going to sleep. There’s the precious blanket, Kirsten’s duck (good thing I have 3), his 3 care bears, his Playskool butterfly car, his giant Tweety Bird soft toy (that thing is almost as big as him) and his group of assorted bears. He gets upset when they’re not in their proper places and if one of them is missing, he screams bloody murder until it’s found.

Right now the quirks are still cute enough for me to go all googly-woogly about instead of screaming “What’s wrong with you??? Stop being so weird!!!” And if I ever do, that would just be me calling the kettle black, wouldn’t it? You know what they say after all, the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, motherhood, side effects of motherhood

One of those cheesy monologues you probably don’t want to paste on your fridge. And by *don’t* I really mean *do*

July 16, 2010

You know what’s the one thing that I’m terrified of the most? Besides my extensive list of completely rational fears like being attacked by lizards, buried alive (because there is no way in a million years that I can punch my way out like Uma Thurman) and having my kids abducted by a kidnapping syndicate in Mumbai.

I’m talking about top of the list here, numero uno. It’s being redundant.

In the days of my youthful idealism, I was exactly like you. I wanted to change the world. I was planning to end world hunger or become obscenely rich selling a ton of useless stuff to people who probably wouldn’t need them just because I was that brilliant. Either one would have worked for me – I wasn’t picky about the details.

The truth is, being a mom doesn’t make it into the list of glamorous professions. I don’t care what they say on those overly-priced Hallmark cards on Mothers’ Day, nobody’s dream job is to be a poop-cleaning, booger-digging, frazzled, batshitcrazy chick up to her elbows in human excretions. Make no mistake, motherhood is noble and to sacrifice your own dreams for the kids is all great but it kind of sucks that 30 years down the road, all you get is “Congrats, none of your 3 kids turned out to be Hitler. Good for you!”

And really, that terrifies me.

Knowing that I spent my best years cooking vegetables (that nobody wants to touch with a ten-foot pole), washing tiny onesies and cleaning up spilt cereal for the fifth time in a day. Alright, the kids will have a decent shot at a happy childhood and they may grow up to be Nobel prize-winning physicists, rockstars and Supreme Court judges, but then again, they may just as well end up as a struggling artist or a troubled delinquent.

So I’ll come out and say it. I don’t just want gratitude, it’s overrated. I want the kids to grow up knowing that their mom was brilliant, and not at folding laundry. I want them to be proud of me, to go to school and brag about how their mom wrote the new vampire series that outsold Stephenie Meyer. Something like that. I want them to know that there is no excuse for not going after their dreams, no matter how tough life gets.

I’m starting to think that being a mom doesn’t have to make you redundant. Its easy to get swamped by the responsibilities of having to care for tiny human beings and lose yourself in the process but come on, there’s got to be more than getting a pat on the back and a fugly Mothers’ Day card. (except yours, kids, they’re lovely)

Maybe we can still change the world. And even if I don’t, I will sure as hell try.

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lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Top 5 Asian Parenting Faux Pas

July 5, 2010

First of all, who am I to dictate parenting norms? The answer would be nobody, but I’m still going to dish out unsolicited parenting advice anyway because that always makes me feel much better about my Mondays and also, I am that kind of douchebag. Read on, I think you’ll feel better too. Unless you do these things then you’d probably want to stab me in the eye.

Sit back and here goes.

1. Smacking inanimate objects whenever your kid gets a boo boo.

We’ve all seen that before. Kid bumps his head on the table, parents rush to the scene of the crime and start smacking the living daylights out of the table. “Bad table, naughty table hurt my poor little baby“.

Um… what? That’s bizarre on so many levels because the table is an inanimate object and the only person feeling the pain is the smacker. Also, you’re teaching the kid that it’s ok to smack things/people that hurt you. Most of all, it just makes you look like a moron because the last time I saw a guy scolding inanimate objects, he was wearing a straightjacket.

2. Distracting your kid with a loosely-worded promise of something good.

I must admit, it’s a very effective way to prevent a meltdown, especially with a kid under the age of 4 (works best before cynicism kicks in). The moment they start to freak out, promise them a toy/candy/trip to the pool in the somewhat distant future. “Later, soon, next time” are all vague enough for parents to weasel out of when they demand for their reward. “Mommy said later and later means sometime from now till you turn 18“.

The key is to be specific enough with the object of desire while keeping the time frame vague. Only thing is, you can justify all you want but kids, they don’t know the difference and they’ll just think that you’re lying to them.

3. Being overly strict in public just to show how great a parent you are.

I’ve come to realize that kids have one mission in life, which is to embarrass you at the worst possible moments like during an important family day event with the boss or at a wedding when the bride is about to say “I do” or at a high school gathering where you’re trying to impress all those old schoolmates. You dress them up all spiffy, issue them strict warnings to behave and just when you are about to launch into a monologue about how cute the kids are, BAM, they smear chocolate all over themselves or throw a full-scale hissy fit. *Cue head shakes, disapproving looks and sniggers”

That’s when the parents grab the kid, brings them to a not-so-discreet corner, scolds them loud enough for everyone to hear and/or spanks them for good measure. Then say something along the lines of “why are you so naughty TODAY? You better behave yourself like you usually do.”

Also, that’s exactly why I don’t go for these sorts of events.

4. Make up weird euphemisms for body parts or words deemed socially unacceptable to say loudly in public.

Being Asian and all, we don’t say certain words out loud in public. Words like penis, vagina, breasts and sex are all generally frowned upon at social gatherings so just to be careful, we teach the kids words like pee-pee, wee-wee, ku-ku, shee-shee and basically any other double-word that rhymes with “ee”. Just in case they start shouting it out loud repeatedly (like my son is likely to do), you can just pretend they’re making some strange sound effect.

And when you think about it, if you don’t teach them the correct pronunciations for stuff, they’re going to embarrass themselves by calling it a “breest” (think beast with an R) or “penn-ees” instead of “pee-nus”.

5. Threatening them with scary uncles

When parents are unable to control their kids, they resort to bringing in third parties, especially scary looking ones who tend to look a little different. Some parents go as far as to pick out stern-looking “mang-ka-li” uncles to strike fear into the kids, thereby perpetuating racist stereotypes. Alternatively, men in uniform can be used, like “If you are so naughty, I’ll ask the policeman to catch you“. Even when there are no scary-looking uncles in the vicinity during the next meltdown, some have designated friends on speed dial to *scold* them.

From the start, our guiding principle is to treat the kids like we would want to be treated, which is not to lie to them or threaten them or embarrass them. I know that some parents advocate a rule of fear because kids need to be disciplined in order to behave but here’s my theory (no, not again!!).

By and large, they do want to be good and logical explanations should do the trick. At times, they get irritable, moody, upset, uncooperative and hissy fits kick in so that’s when we need to set boundaries to let them know they can’t do as they please just because they don’t feel good. Sometimes there’s a bit of screaming involved and it’s not pretty. But then again, nobody said parenting was pretty.

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