Monthly Archives

June 2009

Funny or So I think, i embarrass myself sometimes

To kill a mocking bird

June 30, 2009

big bird.jpg

I know I’m going to incur the wrath of bird lovers out there, but I’m going to say it anyway. I HATE BIRDS, THEY’RE EVIL AND MEAN AND DESERVE TO BE EATEN. I suppose some birds are ok, like chickens, which are juicy and succulent and taste good fried. But most birds are evil. They’ve got sharp beaks and beady eyes (that look like they’re mocking you all the time) and flappy feathers. Worst of all, they steal food and crap all over the place.

I’ve never been particularly fond of birds, but we’ve got this mutual understanding that we’ll keep to our own territories and maintain a truce. They agree not to crap on my head and in return, I won’t poison them with arsenic and rip off their bony legs one by one. But recently, they’ve broken the treaty and now it’s time for war.

Ever since I moved in to my new place, they’ve made it a daily routine to perch their evil asses outside my kitchen window squawking away making a nuisance of themselves. Then they got bolder and started stealing leftover food. And if that wasn’t enough, they’ve been leaving little piles of poop on my stove, table and sink. Now on top of cleaning my kid’s poop, I’ve got to clean bird poop as well.

So this morning, I was cooking Tru’s lunch and this bird flew in right under my nose to try to steal his food. The shock from the sneak attack led to a muscle spasm and I ended up flicking up a whole ladle of boiling porridge right onto my arm. I think subconsciously, I was aiming it at the bird, but somehow it landed on my hand and cooked it, so now it’s all red and swollen.

The bird must have thought it was hilarious, because after that, it was sitting outside my window squawking its head off.

Like I said, I hate birds. They deserve to die. I’ve tried putting stuff at the window to scare them away but they’re way to smart for that. I’ve also set booby traps like poisoned food to kill them, but so far, it’s not working. And it’s driving me insane.

Seriously, if you know of a way to get rid of the birds, do me a favor and let me know. I promise I’ll make it quick and painless and I’ll also try not to relish every moment of it.

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kids inc, pregnancy

I think my mommy swallowed a whale

June 29, 2009

Pregnant or fat

I think my son is struggling with the concept of my second pregnancy. For a 12-month-old, he’s already way ahead of the pack in terms of intelligence, but this is something he’s still trying to wrap his head around. Ever since I found out that Kirsten was on the way, I’ve been indoctrinating him in hope that he’ll be prepared for her arrival.

The first few months, I’d point to my belly and tell him that baby Kirsten was inside, and he would giggle and beat my belly like a drum as if it was some sort of game. I think it was because I looked pretty much the same, so he was blissfully unaware that in a couple of months, he’ll have to share his mommy with another sibling. Or perhaps he was really smart and the violence was premeditated.

But recently, with my stomach growing to the size of Texas, he’s starting to understand that there’s something fishy going on in there. These days, I’d ask him “Where’s baby Kirsten?” and he would nestle his head on my belly, which is the sweetest, most heartwarming thing in the world.

The first time he did it, I almost started bawling at how incredibly picture perfect it was. That definitely made it to the list of “Most Awesome Mommy Moments Ever”.

I’m hoping that he actually knows that there’s a baby inside. Then again, he could be thinking that there are a million chocolate chip cookies inside, which could also explain why he’s hugging my belly so lovingly.

I wouldn’t be surprised either way.

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pregnancy

Gynaes – Male or Female?

June 26, 2009
clooney ER

the doctor will see you now

I never quite put much thought into the whole male/female gynae issue. Maybe because female gynaes are severely outnumbered, I just decided to go with a male one (who’s pushing 70 I think). At first, I was definitely uncomfortable with the idea that some random dude would be well-acquainted with certain body parts, but then again, having some random chick do it is just as bad.

I have friends whose husbands will not let them go to a male gynae. As if he’s going to pull a fast one and try some monkey business. Ok, seriously, it’s not a pretty sight, and these gynaes are looking at body parts all day. I doubt they are going to pay much attention unless you happen to have some unusually large growth attached to your ass.

Even then, that’s not hot.

Good thing the husband was around for all the gynae visits, so it mostly felt like I was some specimen on display. There would be the gynae, the husband and 2 nurses standing around while I was being poked and prodded.

And of course the delivery was the absolute worst. I swear I have no sense of modesty left. In total, there were at least 10 people bustling around in the operating theater while I was sliced open like a piece of meat. I was too stoned from the epidural to care, but on retrospect, it does put everything into perspective. All I cared about was getting the baby out and then getting all sewn up nicely.

That was just the c-section experience. I hear that during vaginal delivery, all that pushing makes u defecate all over the delivery bed in front of a whole bunch of strangers. The thought of it alone is too embarrassing for words, which is why I’m going to stop eating 2 days before my EDD. I don’t mind the slicing, but I draw the line at crapping my guts out on the table. I mean, just think about the smell.

But that’s the thing. For those guys, it’s just their job. Some folks work with computers and some work with vaginas. At the end of the day, it’s all the same. Except more gross, I guess. I really feel sorry for the nurses that have to clean up after the whole debacle is over. Till this day, just cleaning my son’s ass is enough to make me regurgitate (I totally can’t keep a straight face).

Anyhow, I don’t know if there’s a difference between male and female gynaes cos all the ones I’ve tried so far are guys who are so old I’m surprised they can hold a scalpel with steady hands. Do the poll below -in favor of  dudes/chicks checking out your itsy bits? and I’d love to hear if you’ve got a weird experience with either.

 [poll id=4]

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Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, pregnancy, sexytime, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Birth induction methods you may (not) want to try

June 25, 2009
pregnantdrinker

a glass of wine may help

It was exactly this time during my first pregnancy that I gave birth to Tru. 38 weeks on the dot. But that was a c-section so I could pick an auspicious date to give birth. Waiting for the contractions to kick in is totally different. I feel so powerless. I’ve got my baby bag and all the baby stuff all ready and packed and it’s like waiting for Santa Claus to appear on Christmas eve. The anticipation is killing me. It’s my control-freak nature kicking in and I  just need to know exactly when it’s gonna happen.

Apparently for VBAC, a medical induction of labor increases the chance of womb rupture so it’s off limits. But I hear there are a few ways to induce birth and give the baby a little push as it were. It’s called ripening the cervix (it’s true!)

1. Acupuncture

It’s a tried and tested method by the Chinese and it’s supposed to be highly effective. Back when women used to bind their feet and slice off their pinkies, they realized that somehow jabbing a bunch of needles into various parts of the body triggers the contractions. It’s ingenious, don’t you think?

But seeing that pain avoidance is one of my life’s goals, acupuncture is in my list of Top 10 things NOT to do before I die (along with bungee jumping and eating fire).

2. Castor Oil

It’s a quick and painless method. Just take a few spoonfuls of it neat and wait a few minutes for it to take effect. It’s primarily a laxative, so there’s that nasty side effect where you lose all control of your bowels and start crapping involuntarily. It’s probably good if you hate the gynae/nurse and want to use it as a way to give them nightmares for days.

There’s no guarantee that it will work though, so you may just end up with a severe case of diarrhea.

3. Walking

This sounds pretty harmless. How it works is that it puts pressure on the cervix, causing it to dilate. Anyway it’s the kind of thing you can try without worrying about nasty side effects.

4. Nipple Stimulation

Touted as one of the most effective methods of natural induction, it’s definitely one of the most wildly popular. Mostly because no dude will turn down an invitation to engage in some nipple stimulation – “Boom-chica-wow-wow”.

But seriously, this causes a release of oxytocin, which causes contractions and lead to labor. (See, I’m not a total airhead, I actually know words like oxytocin)

5. Sexytime

As they say, what gets it in also gets it out. (who says that kind of thing anyway?) This is the next most popular method of birth induction, following closely behind the nipple stimulation.

The difference is, while most women are willing to tolerate some mild discomfort to the boobs, certain invasive methods at 38 weeks of pregnancy are too much of a hassle. There’s also the whole foreplay thing to contend with, and by the time there’s any action, you’re way too exhausted for the time to be the least bit sexy. And the focus is to get something out of there, not put something in, if you get what I mean.

I suppose the best thing to do is to sit around and wait till the baby is good and ready to come out. There’s a Chinese saying that goes something like “When the fruit is ready, it will fall off the vine”. Meaning that there’s no point rushing nature, cos all you’re going to end up with is an unripe fruit. Don’t ask me what that means. It’s too deep for my 38-week-pregnant brain.

If it’s up to me, Kirsten will be born on the 4th of July. So who knows, there might be some serious action on the 3rd. Woohoo!

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kids inc

Monsters are under my bed

June 23, 2009
Boo

Boo

Watching a kid grow up, you don’t really notice the small changes that take place, like how they start to understand you when you say certain words, or the glint in his eye that has developed into full-blown mischief. I have to fight the tendency to baby him and give him the space to explore and grow, which is a lot harder than it sounds.

Soon, he’ll be a big boy and that will be the end of my snuggles and smothering kisses. Sometimes, I wish he’d be a baby forever. Or I could just keep having more to replace the ones that are all grown up.

Recently, I’ve noticed that Tru’s been having all sorts of irrational fears. I think he’s beginning to understand that some stuff are pretty scary and not so fun. It all started with this yellow duck puppet that he used to love. Then one day, he decided it didn’t look so friendly and he was terrified of it. And of course there’s the B-A-W Penguin. Which I saw him trying to stab with a spoon.

Just last week he was having fun at the nursery playgroup when he stopped dead in his tracks and crawled back to my arms faster than you can say “scary purple lamb attack”. Apparently he saw a life-sized lamb plushie/riding thing that was all green and purple and it really scared him. Granted, the lamb looked pretty bizarre, but I’m sure just a month back, he would have smacked it on the head and moved on.

Then the most surprising one happened during bath time at my mom’s house. I kinda lost his bath tub (it’s a long story) so I decided to improvise and made him sit in his Bumbo chair while I showered him with the shower spray. He used to love being sprayed with water during his bath, but he suddenly decided that he didn’t like it anymore. Now every time he sees the Bumbo in the washroom, he screams bloody murder like it’s some ancient torture chamber.

So it’s quite a dilemma. I have this urge to make him confront his fears to show him that it’s really irrational. Ducks and penguins and lambs aren’t scary. Ok, the shower incident, I’ll give it to him (remind me to get a new tub ASAP). But the rest of the stuff ain’t gonna hurt him and I want him to grow up without any of these irrational fears.

Although I know if I push him too hard now, it might just backfire and he’ll end up with a whole new set of issues. So I’m trying to talk some sense into him, and somehow help him to overcome his fears. This is probably just the start though, and the list is only going to get longer. Soon there’ll be monsters under the bed or ghosts in the closet or a whole host of scary-looking animals.

Maybe I’ll buy him a lightsaber. Who knows, it might help.

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motherhood

Man dates, chick dates and mom dates

June 22, 2009
chick dates

chick dates

I finally managed to catch a thoroughly enjoyable show after a series of flops. At first, I didn’t have much expectation for “I Love You, Man”, the not-so-romantic comedy by Paul Rudd and Jason Segel (better known as Marshall Eriksen on HIMYM). Ok, I actually thought it was a gay show, but since IMDB rated it 7.8, we decided to give it a shot. Which turned out to be pretty awesome. I haven’t laughed out loud like that at a movie in a long time. IMDB rocks.

So I’ve gotta talk about the concept of a man date. It sounds so wrong on so many levels unless you’re into that kinda thing, then it’s probably great. My take is this. Men don’t have BFFs and they don’t go on alone dates, not for drinks or movies or hunting. It’s too awkward. Anything more than 2 is fine, and it becomes a man group-date. They can do their masculine thing and play poker and grunt at each other.

But 2 dudes hanging out all the time, man, that’s just so gay. What do they do? Like braid each other’s (armpit) hair?

Which is why I’m thankful the husband doesn’t do man dates. From time to time he needs his guy time and goes out to hang with the guys (notice the plural form) to play soccer or computer games. I’m cool with that. But I’d be seriously uncomfortable if he was out with like his BFF all the time doing god-knows-what till all hours of the night.

Now chick dates are different though. Girls can hang out 1-on-1 or in a group and its perfectly fine. We get to go shopping, massages, manicures or just sit down and talk about all the above stuff. Well actually, we talk about guys and contraceptives and sexploits, but that’s what BFFs do. And I love my chick dates cos it’s nice to do girly stuff and giggle from time to time.

Although all that has been out the window since I became a stay-home mom. Nobody wants to go on a chick date with a pregnant woman lugging around a stroller and a restless toddler. It’s an ordeal getting a space at a nice cafe and 5 minutes into the conversation, the kid is screaming and I’m picking food out from my friend’s hair. Don’t ask.

So now it’s all down to mom dates. Only other moms with equally crazy kids can put up with the madness and mayhem. I’ve long since kissed my lattés goodbye and the only places available are McDonalds or each other’s homes so the kids can cause all the destruction they want without the disapproving stares and tsk-tsks from single chicks.

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