unqualified parenting tips

To cane or not to cane?

This is a big topic, one I’ve been putting off for a while. I used to think that disciplining kids was a no brainer. Buy a cane and whip their little bottoms when they step out of line. It’s the Asian way. It’s how we were disciplined and seems like it worked relatively well looking at our low crime rate and all.

It’s cathartic (especially when you’re really frustrated), acts as a deterrence and basically shows them who’s boss. It’s about RESPECT, you know, because we frown on kids addressing us by our first names and threatening to call social services when they get caned for acting like a brat. Whoever wields the cane wields the power, right? But what happens when they are big enough to wrestle it from your hands?

Some parents wear it like a badge of honor, like “you won’t see my kids doing that because very well-acquainted with Mr Cane LOL“. Methinks your reign of terror will come to an abrupt end once your 7-feet tall little boy becomes Mr cane-destroyer.

The past two years, we haven’t really needed to formulate a discipline blueprint yet. Repeated explanations worked well enough to establish boundaries. For the really dangerous stuff like playing with electrical sockets, we just needed to cordon off those areas. However, Tru is slowly entering the stage of testing those boundaries intentionally. Whenever we tell him not to do something, he watches us with a glint in his eye while inching closer and closer to it. Some days, he goes for the kill and laughs maniacally like “haha, I got away with jumping into the tub fully clothed right after I took my shower.”

Therein lies the dilemma. He’s obviously trying to see if we’re serious about making good our promises and threats. So that means when he does something he’s not supposed to do, the ball is in my court to follow through with the appropriate discipline. I’m cool with that. The problem is finding an effective method of discipline.

To be honest, I’m reluctant to use the cane. I know the debate rages on among Christian camps like how we must apply the rod of correction to drive away foolishness. But my reasons for not using the cane are twofold.

1. I HATED being caned and it wasn’t even that effective. I would be so upset for so many days after every *correction* that it would just eat me up inside. After that, I would go out of my way to see how many times I could get away with being bad without getting caned because it was the only way to feel like I won. That I beat the system.

2. I’m not going for deterrence. I want them to grow up to do what is right, not just avoid doing what is wrong. I want them to understand what it means to be helpful and generous and kind, to love people and be the bigger person and NOT feel proud that they managed to escape punishment when they made a mistake.

I’ve been reading up extensively on all the various theories of disciplining children and I’ve come to only one conclusion. You’ve got to take into account the kid’s temperament, their intention and their actions while maintaining a semblance of consistency and fairness.

This is virtually impossible with multiple kids because what works for one kid may not work for the rest. But if you employ different methods for each kid, it comes across as terribly unfair. There’s just no way around it. My dad used to say that there’s no such thing as fairness and I used to say that it’s a convenient excuse for partiality but now, I’m starting to agree.

We’ve come up with a few guidelines for now. The naughty corner seems to work for Tru but it mostly acts as a timeout chair so that he can calm down and stop being in a frenzy. And we do it only when he willfully disobeys us or is being mean. Like when he smashed the phone into Kirsten’s face because he was upset, he got naughty-cornered good and proper while she got a bloody nose. Fair? I don’t know.

Also, we’ll make sure we discipline the kids in private. Which means that the rest of the kids don’t know what’s going on in the room and for all they know, we could be having a party. Hopefully, they don’t trade notes like who gets what next time.

And the thing is, kids are kids. They’re expected to mess up, destroy stuff, lose stuff, fight, lie their way out of trouble, be selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed. We’re expected to teach them by being the opposite. I’m just not sure I want to be upset with them all the time over everything. I mean, we still make mistakes ourselves and sometimes we learn the hard way.

As long as they grow up to know what is right and try their best to do it, I think I would have done a respectable job of parenting.

You got any tips for discipline? Come on, share a little.

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13 Comments

  • Reply jacqueline April 7, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    i cannot lie, i definitely have been tempted many a times to just inflict bodily harm on my child, mostly to show “who’s boss!”. Our children know exactly which buttons to push and i have never been as furious with anybody as with my own offspring. Perhaps it is because they are utterly and totally the fruit of our own labor (and therefore i cannot blame anybody for how awful they are!) I believe that it all stems from the single strongest emotion that I’ve never really experience before I had kids – nope, not Love, it’s the ugly side-kick – Guilt. So, i have not caned them (yet!) but have been trying out the naughty corner method and also the “taking away of treats”. So far, both seem to work. I think the point about being separate from the sibling is an impt point too, my girls usually calm down much faster when there is no “audience”. Hang in there! It gets easier (ish) when they’re older than 4, then you have to employ more negotiations than threats.
    .-= jacqueline´s last blog ..[Goodbyes] =-.

  • Reply Threez April 7, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Okay, we live in a split camp here in the Ng household.

    My husband has never had his tender skin bruised by a cane.

    Me, on the other hand, bore battle scars so severe my teacher called the MCYS of my day to report my parents for abuse. (Which only led to session 2 of major caning… did I learn my lesson and do my Chinese homework? Noooo….)

    Now, my kids only meet with Mr Cane when they have done something unforgivable (the list is really short, actually, and includes:
    1. Having sex before you’re married, I don’t care how old you are
    2. For my daughter – SMSing or emailing boys without my permission
    3. For my son – hitting your sister in any way shape or form
    4. Lying)

    Of course, they have been busted for 3 and 4 a lot.

    But I realise, because I use it so little, it’s actually quite effective. I guess it means they know, then, when they meet Mr Cane, that this was a serious serious offence.

    It is often accompanied by a “God and I are not happy about this. First go and say sorry to God, then come back to collect your punishment.”

    Usually by the time they finish saying sorry to God they are in tears. (And Mommy can’t bear to hit them all that hard)

    That’s my 5 cents :)

    PS I only started using the cane when my eldest was 8 and my middle was 6, and my little 3 year old still has NO IDEA what a cane is.

  • Reply strawberrymilkmama April 7, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    no caning here (i’m utterly traumatized by the caning i received when i was young!) but i do ask her to stretch out her hands and smack her palms for wilfully bad behaviour.
    .-= strawberrymilkmama´s last blog ..Not a Barbie Girl =-.

  • Reply Kelly April 7, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    I find it interesting that jacqueline and threez’s are almost completely opposite when it comes to the age of discipling the child, what i gather from jacqueline is that you tend to wean off the caning as they get older (i.e beyond 4 years old), while Threez you started at 8 and 6 respectively.

    I wonder what really IS the right approach? Or the right age? I do recall being rather bitter about those sessions in my older years, particular one when I was as old as in secondary 3. Left me a very bitter person for many years struggling to forgive my dad for doing it.

    i’m inclined to start the disciplining younger (if i DO), say maybe 2 years onwards, but I’ll probably stop by the time they are around 5-6 years old and try to reason with them.

    Just my 2 cents worth (even less than Threez’s five cents, LOL).

  • Reply Fang April 8, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    ooopz…i use it – not the cane as I think its too painful and leave an embarrassing mark on their little body.

    We got a wooden spoon from Cold Storage and drew a smiley face on one side, a frowning face on the other side.
    The wooden spoon is now known affectionately as “Mr Spanky” to the girls.

    They get a spank on their palm or on their buttons when they show outright defiance, or repeated warnings are not heeded to.

    Mr Spanky comes as a “last level of discipline”. We first use reason, then threat, then withdrawal of a privilege (no TV, no chocolates etc), naughty corner. Mr Spanky comes in at the end, and most times its used in conjunction with the naughty corner. I introduced Mr Spanky first with Vera when she was about 2 i think. It still makes its appearances nowadays although its my younger 2.5yo Kayla who seems to see it more often nowadays.

    I hope the need to use Mr Spanky will totally disappear as the girls get older and I still hope against all hope that I do not need to buy the dreaded cane and I can throw Mr Spanky away soon.

    My thinking is when they are young, their reasoning faculty may not be as developed, and the “rod” is needed to help in the setting boundaries process. But as parents, our role is to teach them values and boundaries and self-control so that as they grow older, they are able to reason and do not need “external influences”.

    And yes, it is VERY TEMPTING to use the cane to remind them who’s the boss :) That’s where self-control on the part of the parents is needed.

  • Reply Daphne April 8, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks Fang, Jac, Threez, Kelly and Strawberrymilkmama. The comments so far have been great, just amazing and much food for thought. Keep them coming!

    I do think this is such an important issue, we really want to hear from more parents out there, so do spread the word to the mommies, daddies you know out there.

    In the meantime, I want to throw in a few questions out here: in your family, is there someone who is the designated “caner” or is there some sort of a rotation?

    If you do cane, how many strokes do you administer? Is there a gradation of sorts (i.e. more for more serious offences and vice versa)?

  • Reply Jayne April 8, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    No caning for me. I won’t know how to look my kids in the eye if I ever cane him/her. Mommy will be a big bully, spanking her kids when she doesn’t get her way. So far the quiet corner, taking away privileges, reasoning, and warning them very firmly have worked. One thing I can count on to stop me from spanking either kid no matter how mad I get is, the other kid will stop me. haha. Sometimes I can’t even speak to Kate angrily before Jamie stopping me and telling me that’s very rude. So I say, don’t cane. :-)
    .-= Jayne´s last blog ..Jesus is Alive =-.

  • Reply kless April 10, 2010 at 11:31 am

    It does seem to be that I might be the only one here that approves of caning. *oops**

    I somehow think the word caning has been used too stringently though. Some of the mummies here use Mr. Spoon to discipline their kids, some use the naughty chair and all say they do not approve of caning. In my opinion, the cane is just like any of one the above – they are all symbols of discipline. The moment we flash it infront of our kids, or even mention it, they immediately know they cannot try to be funny anymore.

    In my household, we use the cane, but I can say we have never really caned my daughter before, simply because she stops all that she’s doing immediately the moment we mention it. For about 2 years now, I don’t even need to take out the cane anymore, I just mention it. Quite frankly, I don’t even think we can find the cane anywhere in the house. It suffices that my daughter thinks it’s somewhere lying around. =)

    Any form of discipline is alright, as long as the parent sits down and explains to the kid why the discipline was done and what behavior was unacceptable. This post-discipline counseling is far more important than the actual discipline itself. My 2 cents’ worth. :)
    .-= kless´s last blog ..SDD V1: Spread The Cheer! Spread The Groove! =-.

  • Reply I’m such a badass at discipline. | MOTHER, INC. September 24, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    […] on this topic.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginYou should probably know by now that I missed out on the disciplinarian gene when they were giving it out at parent school. The rest of that feeding, diapering stuff, I can […]

  • Reply Maybe Baby Blog » I’m such a badass at discipline January 1, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    […] should probably know by now that I missed out on the disciplinarian gene when they were giving it out at parent school. The rest of that feeding, diapering stuff, I can […]

  • Reply Ooy Yoan August 1, 2011 at 12:21 am

    interesting topic. Something I have try not to think of until the time warrant for it. OR……..until………

    My 2 year old psych me into not buying a cane. He saw it a few times in shops and asked me what is it. I explained. He asked again and again. I did not think he got the point. So one day, while he attempted to play with the cane in the shop, I demonstrated to him – hitting the floor and not him off course, because he was in no way naughty – just curious. My demo ended up with broken cane which i have to honestly pay for. Which shows that i will be a horrible cane-er. So there……

    Another inccident would be summarized by: smack his hand, broke my heart. THe only time he was superly duperly naughty or probably just testing his strength and scare the hell out of me. He lifted a small chair and smash in on the floor very close to the stand-fan and mirror. I cried after while he was like: *hugzzz* mummy, i am sorry i made you sad. I don’t like people that make my mummy cry!

    • Reply Daphne August 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm

      awwww your boy is so sweet!!

  • Reply Felicia Josephine Lee December 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    I discipline my 12yrs younger than me brother… i do believe in reasoning too, but sometime just have to use the hanger (never waste money to buy cane) to beat him once in the blue moon.

    I teach in secondary boy sch and i learnt something. If you want to disciple boy especially when they get older after 12yrs old, disciple/scold/beat away from the eyes of their peers. Hence i usually take the boy outside the classroom to scold/discipline alone. After hitting or discipline them, must Explain and ask them do they realised why are they in the wrong (something about boys/guys that they always don’t seem to know when they are in the wrong). They generally can joke or greet you immediately after that day.

    My colleagues share that however, when dealing with girls, must take more caution of their girl pride/esteem. NO shouting/scolding/beating especially in front of whole class/peers BECAUSE THEY WILL REMEMBER FOR WHOLE LIFE (ok at least that few years in sec school life and spread to their girly girlfriends)

    Just my two cents worth sharing,
    FJL

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