I pressed a button and poop came out

One of my life’s goals is to have as little contact with poop as possible. That’s why I do the number 2 about once every couple of days. Too much information, I know. And I do apologize, but it’s for the purpose of illustrating how much I go out of my way to avoid having to deal with poop.

So you would think that when baby girl stopped producing poop for a week, I’d be jumping for joy. But as I’ve come to realize, being a mother screws up your brain’s hard wiring. It makes you do things you would never otherwise do in a million years. Crazy things. Things like letting someone throw up in your mouth or digging out poop from their ass.

For 6 days, baby girl has been trying to defecate. And I say trying because several times a day, she scrunches up her face and grunts. Then her face turns red, beads of sweat start forming at her temples and she huffs and puffs like the big bad wolf. Finally, she takes in a sharp breath from pain and whimpers in a way that shatters your heart to pieces. She’s been unable to eat or sleep and she just sits around looking miserable.

We took her to the doctor, who prescribed some meds to soften the poop. We coated her ass with nappy cream. We tried grunting in sync with her, hoping that it would somehow help to induce it.

Six days went by and nothing but gas.

Until yesterday. She was trying unsuccessfully to poop for the 42nd time and it was one of those moments where you know you have to do something drastic. So I grabbed her by the thighs and propped her up over the sink in what I like to call the “seh kia” (giving birth) pose and started grunting. We were like “come on Kirsten, push, PUSH!!!”

And the most incredibly bizarre thing happened. The poop started coming out of her butt in slow motion, then suddenly retract back in. A couple of times in, Kelvin decided to scrape it out with his finger. Which actually made it worse because it broke and the rest went back in. The next time we tried, he gently pressed the top and with a pop, (I swear it sounds exactly like when you uncork a bottle of bubbly) the whole piece flew out.

The whole time, she was screaming like I did when I was giving birth. What can I say? 7 months and already a trooper.

Over the next 12 hours, baby girl produced 6 large packs of poop (one for each day) and I have never been happier to see them.  But of course, there’s none happier than my little girl, who has since been grinning away goofily like she just took the biggest crap of her life.

Something tells me she’ll have no problem giving birth sans epidural next time.

I feel good