One. There comes a point in every pregnancy where you realise that you’ve stopped walking and started waddling. I used to be very conscious of my third trimester waddle but four pregnancies in, I’ve learnt to embrace it. Ok so maybe every time I take a step it looks like a cross between a beached whale and a butterball turkey but I hear it’s a thing now and like 4 million other women are doing it so here, this is me working the waddle.
Two. Two words: maternity pants. I think I’m in love with whoever invented maternity pants. If I could, I’d make out with the person who came up with the idea of putting supersoft stretchy waistbands on supersoft stretchy pants. I typically try to get as much wear out of my regular jeans (hello, denial!) with belly bands and other maternity contraptions until I just about give myself a hernia and then I’m all “this is ridiculous. BURN THE SKINNY JEANS AND GIVE ME MY MATERNITY PANTS!!” The feeling you get when you first put on maternity pants? There are no words to describe how amazeballs it feels. In fact, I’m never taking these pants off. Ever.
Three. On the topic of never taking off my pants, having to put on or remove my pants is now a terrible ordeal. You know how when you first saw a contortionist put her leg over her head and proceed to fold her body into two and you went home and attempted to do the same thing? Wait, what, you’ve never tried it? Well, you should because that’s how it feels when I try to take off my pants everyday.
Four. The best position for a pregnant person to be in is the horizontal one (which is how I intend to spend most of my time for the next 3 months) but you see, one does not just anyhowly lie down when one is pregnant. Mastering the horizontal position is an art and it requires much practice. The general rules are as follows:
Spend as little time on your back as possible because the baby will be pressing on your spine, causing backaches, hemorrhoids and impaired circulation, among other bad things.
Sleeping on your stomach will make you want to pass out, don’t even try it.
Sleeping on your right is ok but not ideal because of the placement of your kidneys or liver or spleen or something.
The optimum position is to lie on your left side until your left arm starts to lose all feeling, then slowly rotate to your back (briefly) before spending some time on your right, and then back onto your left.
Five. Welcome to the world of sudden shooting cramps up your leg while you sleep. There’s probably a scientific reason for this but if you ask me, it’s just mean. One moment you’re enjoying your delicious sleep and it creeps up on you like a ninja when you least expect it and you suddenly wake up in excruciating pain yelling “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??!!!” and then you immediately punch the husband in the ribs to make him wake up and give you a leg message because we’re all in this pregnancy together and solidarity and all that.
In other news, third trimester yeahhhh! It means we’re nearing the end. That’s always a good thing.