milestones & musings, motherhood, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Yay I get to be the favorite

Every now and then, I still think about whether I should have left my job to stay home with the kids. Especially when I’m missing my holidays and I start reading all these studies that show how having mommy at home doesn’t necessarily make them smarter or more successful people and I’m like you’re telling me this now, after I spent the last 2 years thinking that me being home with them would be the reason they are getting into Harvard Law School. (No pressure, kids, Yale or Princeton are ok too)

Honestly, I don’t know how successful they are going to be when they grow up, but that’s not really the reason why I chose to stay home in the first place. The whole point was to be around for them during these years that they needed mommy the most. To clean their poop and fix them snacks and snuggle in bed and read stories after a nap.

Just because I’m their momma doesn’t make me their favorite person in the world. All relationships take time and effort and they’re going to be closest to whoever spent the most quality time with them, whether it’s grandma or the maid or the teachers in childcare.

Like yesterday, Tru woke up from his nap early and he was in a particularly snuggly mood. He made me put aside my laptop and said “mommy don’t do work, mommy hug Truett.” Which I did for a long time. At that point I thought of how immensely sucky it would be if he was home alone with a maid or stuck in childcare all day.

Bad scenario: He needs mommy to snuggle and ends up snuggling with Aunty Mina and one day momma comes home from work all ready for some snuggly time and he’s all like “don’t want mommy to hug, want aunty to hug” and I will go stab myself with a fork.

Worse scenario: He needs mommy to snuggle and goes to Aunty Mina and she’s too busy watching tv so he cries himself to sleep and grows up emotionally shut down and has to spend the next 20 years in counseling therapy.

So yes, I have to put up with all the tantrums and mess and screaming fits but I also enjoy the fun stuff like baby kisses and cuddles and I get to know that they mean it when they say “Mommy FAVORITE!”

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  • Reply Tin October 14, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Yes, that is so right – “Just because I’m their momma doesn’t make me their favorite person in the world. All relationships take time and effort and they’re going to be closest to whoever spent the most quality time with them…”

    That is also why we become SAHM in the first place.
    Tin´s last post ..First earning at age 7

  • Reply koinonia October 14, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    I guess I might be an exception but my mum was a sahm and I’m not closest to her, though she arguably spent the most quality time with me.

    We don’t get along well, and I’ve had discussions with a number of friends who had sahms who felt that they’d have had a much saner relationship with their mums if they went to work… I suppose it also depends on the mums, and how they are wired. :)

  • Reply Nicole October 14, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    Love this post, Daphne. You articulated it so well. Some days, I have to remind myself of the reasons that compelled me to be a SAHM in the beginning. It’s too easy to get sucked into the daily hum drum, but all it takes is a snuggly moment like the one you had to snap you back into the “I LOVE BEING A SAHM” mode :D

  • Reply lynn October 15, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    love this post! my sentiments too. yes yes we have to deal with the home chores, put up with tantrums and stuff.. and it’s hard, i know.. (one of daily grunts is spending 1 whole hour trying to get my 11-mth to nap and she doesnt nap for more than half-hour, and i get a cranky baby for the rest of the day). BUT, we’re who they want to hug most when in pain or upset. Just this alone makes it all worthwhile i guess.

  • Reply kei October 15, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Thanks for the post. It’s timely. Just gone through a very tough patch with the kids. And like you, I regularly ask myself is being a SAHM is e best for me and the kids. Sometimes I don’t know the answer. Mostly, it’s yes. But, leave the kids in the care of a maid. NEVER.

    I won’t even consider having a maid as a helper, with me still being a SAHM. I just think it won’t be a good influence on the kids (and adults!) and it somehow will spoil the whole family dynamics.

    So yeah. It’s good to know someone else feels the same (the part about staying home being worthwhile).
    kei´s last post ..Plum crumble

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