Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, the breast things in life are free

Results in 30 days or your money back.

If you’re also a mom, you’re probably sympathetic to the fact that post-baby, your body is never going back to the way it was before. I blame all those slimming centre commercials with all the before and after shots (which were all probably photoshopped in anyway) because they make it look so easy. Pop 3 kids, wear some glad wrap and bam, you’re back to a svelte 45kgs.

Wrong.

First of all, glad wrap doesn’t work. Yeah, I’ve tried. I even let the masseuse slather me with some miracle ginger concoction that’s supposed to burn all my fats away. All it does is give you a hernia and you can’t even pee the entire time, which will mess with your bladder. Fail.

Oh, it’s all about controlling the food intake, you say? Ever since baby girl popped, I’ve been down to having 1 or 2 meals a day. If I’m lucky enough to find time to wolf down a sandwich in the morning, it’ll take me to dinnertime when the husband gets off work. If not, I only get to eat at 2 or 3 in the afternoon when the kids go to bed. I know there are a lot of theories on how eating at irregular hours will trick your body into storing fats but let’s just put it this way. My body is going to store more fats if I have more food than if I have less. Basic math, people.

Then there’s the exercise. Which I do not have the time for. If I have a spare hour in the day, I’m going to use it to eat, take a shower, catch some shut eye and watch the new season of Grey’s Anatomy. In that order. Doing squats to Richard Simmons on DVD is very far down my list of things do to on a day I manage to squeeze out some free time.

What makes it worse is that after you have a baby, you have to work doubly hard to keep in shape, as if it wasn’t hard enough before you had the baby.

But not to fear because I’m about to tell you how to get rid of that postpartum baby bulge – which is already sans the baby so it’s just a bulge – right in the comfort of your living room. And you don’t even have to spend thousands of dollars on expensive gym equipment. Now that you’ve already gone ahead and had the baby, might as well make the most of it.

1. Breastfeed.

For those of you who are still breastfeeding, DON’T STOP. Until your kid is 12. I think it starts to get a bit weird once they start hitting puberty but up till then, it’s all cool. Every breastfeeding session is equivalent to one solid workout at the gym so you can still watch tv and snack on nachos with extra cheese while those gym rats are huffing and puffing away pumping iron.

2. Weightlifting while on the treadmill.

Mothers are the masters of multitasking and we should use that to our advantage. When the baby is screaming and demanding to be rocked to sleep, it’s the best time to get in that extra workout. At one point I had to carry baby girl and run around the house in order to get her to fall asleep. I lost a whole kg in that week alone. Then I got lazy and left her to sleep on her own, at which point I gained it right back. And then some.

3. Drills.

I used to do this a lot during my basketball training days so I’ve incorporated some of them into my daily routine with the kids. So I’ll be fixing their lunch in the kitchen when I suddenly hear a scream or a thump or worse still, absolute silence and I drop everything, leap over the baby gate, rush into the room to find the kids up to some mischief, yell at them a little, remember that my food is getting burnt and dash back into the kitchen. Repeat.

4. Endurance training.

These days, there are all sorts of fancy schmancy baby slings and carriers to keep the baby stuck to your hip as you potter around and do your motherly stuff. Use them. It keeps the baby quiet and you get to work out a little while you do the dishes or clear the chores around the house. You may get a slipped disc at some point but if you’re a real athlete, that’s part of the package. No pain, no gain. (which is what my nazi lactation consultant said as she manhandled my boobs and the next person who says that to me will be punched in the gut)

5. Make up your own

It just doesn’t seem right to end with 4 points so you get to come up with your own. It’s like an assignment that nobody wants to do but I’m asking anyway because I’m all out.

PS. If you tried it all and nothing works, crap, just do this.

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20 Comments

  • Reply Tin September 27, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Haha… u never fail to make me laugh with your posts! I like the clip. so funny.

    I tried Uzap, but baby bulge is still there cos’ I wasn’t discipline to do it daily, it has been collecting dust for months! It also doesn’t make sense to do chores and move around with the wires. Not a very sound option, unless I have those tai-tai time. No such luck!
    Tin´s last post ..Full moon

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 10:43 am

      I always wondered if those fancy equipment like UZAP worked for the fact that the celebrity that endorses them are usually slim in the first place. would totally kickass if it works though, I’ll have it on like 8 hours a day.

  • Reply Sarah Ling September 27, 2010 at 10:19 am

    That is now my all time favourite picture of you. Going to save it and look at it when I miss home.

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 11:59 am

      I’m glad you like it, Sarah.

  • Reply Jaq September 27, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    That’s the most hot photo I have seen of you. You rocks, Daph !!

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 11:59 am

      Haha, the lengths I go to for a blog post..

  • Reply YH September 27, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    I also have the same problem after I delivered no. 2 and I don’t think I will ever going to go back to 46kgs again. Not only I have got a bulging tummy, I also got what the Chinese call it, Bear Shoulder. I tried using one cream that I got from Sa Sa. It did get rid of the bulging but it didn’t go flat instead my tummy now become sagging. Sigh

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 12:04 pm

      Bear shoulder sounds really awful, haha. no idea what that’s about.

      Hey getting rid of bulging is good, one thing at a time. Sa Sa? Where’s that?

      • Reply YH September 29, 2010 at 2:12 pm

        Bear shoulder is shoulder as wide as a bear, I got it because of all the “weight lifting” of my 2 babies. Makes me feel really aunty.

  • Reply lxlb September 27, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Very entertaining dance i must say, i stared at it for like a minute. That unfortunately doesn’t help me lose baby bulge.
    lxlb´s last post ..Black box

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 12:05 pm

      You’ve got to really shake it for like a good half an hour Stella.

  • Reply JZ September 27, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    I used to have a flat tummy before my boy but then I had the genes from mommy which left me with stretch marks and separated ab muscles resulting in slack tummy. My gynae now shakes his head and asks me to exercise. Man! His receptionist says where got time to exercise, mothers are always busy. Aye aye!

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 12:08 pm

      Funny thing is i actually think i get a fair bit of exercise chasing the kids around but it does nothing for my absent abs, excuse the alliteration.

  • Reply San September 28, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Oh … the sans-baby bulge. Sad and oh-so-very-true. I try not to look at my wedding or uni photos lest I fall in depression and into that tub of Ben & Jerry’s. Haha!
    San´s last post ..I’m going to F1!!

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 12:09 pm

      I rather fall into a 1.3l tub of Tillamook, haha.

  • Reply Kam September 28, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I have one to add to #5 – start planning for baby #3!!! A few of my friends who have 3 kids swore that all the fat’s gone after baby #3, without the need of exercising/dieting/etc. Since you are planning for more babies anyway, you WILL get back to the pre-#1 weight :-)

    • Reply Daphne September 29, 2010 at 12:10 pm

      Ok Kam, I will try for#3 soon. this better work!

  • Reply shuey October 1, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    I did breast feeding (till now) and eat all the fatty food, for the first month, I lost like 10 kgs (no lies). And now, after 9 months, it seems that my milk quantity changes as baby no longer needs so much fat in their milk, I am refusing to take photo of myself until I find a way to wear back my old jeans.
    shuey´s last post ..Ball – The Forever Favorite of Baby

  • Reply novie October 9, 2010 at 8:57 am

    I did go to a slimming centre after giving birth a second time. I asked for warm wraps as I couldn’t stand the cold ones. However, after many sessions, the result was so insignificant (They asked me to go dieting as well). Even with those fancy ironing sessions. When I complain, they tell me warm wraps are not as effective as cold ones. So, I braced myself for the cold one. But I think that day I went after having not enough sleep. During the session I was shivering even though I was given a bottle of warm water to hold on to. I fell sick for three days after that and never came back to finish the session.

    They called me and asked me to come down. When I came, they tried to persuade me to sign up for more expensive program.

    I lose the extra weight by dragging myself to the jogging track and reducing my coffee intake (I love my coffee very light. A little bit of coffee and more condensed milk. Hahaha)

    To be frank, when I look at the magazine and see all those women whose bodies don’t seem to change after giving birth, I become very sceptical. It doesn’t seem to be real:)

  • Reply Ooy Yoan July 31, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    The best way to keep fit is to play with all your might. Off course with the kids we love so much. I believe my fat mass has just turn into muscle mass just with that alone.

    There is also all those safety measure of running to kids when we suspect something is not right. And to be at their beak and call just because they are our beloved princes and princess’. That you have put well in your words as examples.

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