I’ve never been this happy to have a stomach flu

Did you know that the early symptoms of stomach flu and pregnancy are *exactly* the same? I didn’t. But well, apparently they are.

So I’ve been feeling all nauseous and vomity and bloaty since Saturday and it got progressively worse so I went to the doctors to get it checked out. I sat down and described all my symptoms like I usually do and the doctor looked all thoughtful for a while and I was expecting something like “sounds like a stomach flu, I’ll just prescribe you some medication” but no. Instead, he said “you could possibly be pregnant” and he made me pee in a cup just to be sure.

Usually, I do very well peeing in a cup. But it was like somebody telling me that I just won a trip to a North Korean prison cell and at first you’ll be all like “I WON!” but then you realize that you don’t actually want to be in a prison cell in any country and your pee goes back into your bladder. That kind of feeling.

Not that being pregnant is like being in prison. Because right after, I felt awful that the first thought I had when I thought I could be pregnant was NOOOOOO instead of YESSSSSSS. If I’m pregnant again, I want to celebrate and jump and scream like I just won the lottery (the third time). Except that the thought of another baby right now scares me. Like a lot.

Also, girls should not even have to attempt to pee in a cup that has the circumference of a 20 cent coin. It’s not like I have a thing to whip out and aim at stuff. I mean, if I were a guy, I could probably pee into a pinhole but girls need bigger cups to pee in if I don’t want to pee all over my hand. Which is kind of what I did.

Then after that, I had to take a quiz on family planning.

Doctor: Are you on any contraceptives?

Me: I’m still breastfeeding.

Doctor: That’s not a real contraceptive.

Me: And we’re practicing withdrawal.

Doctor: I’m not sure you know what a contraceptive is.

Me: Then it would be a no.

Doctor: You should, if you don’t plan to have another baby right now.

Me: I totally agree.

Long story short, I’m not pregnant but I am deathly ill, so much so that I’ve been crawling around the house like a legless zombie, which by the way, Tru thinks it’s hilarious and he chucked a dump truck at my head after I tried to grab his ankles. With my teeth. Which I completely regret now for 2 reasons. 1. My head feels like it suffered a mild concussion. 2. Now I’ll have to teach him to not throw things at people unless he’s sure it’s a zombie.

That’s what being ill with 2 kids does to you. It makes you do things you’ll regret the next morning. Although I’m not really complaining because at least I’m not preggers.