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The magic 5%

November 11, 2011

Having a child makes you live life in extremes. It’s like getting on a terrifying roller coaster without a stop button. About half the time, you’re all “WOOT! This is the most awesome moment of my life” and then you’re all “Why did I do this? HELPPP I AM GOING TO DIE!!”

There’s really no in between. You don’t get on the Battlestar Galactica and twiddle your thumbs in boredom. You strap in tight and hope for the best.

On a side note, all this intensity is probably why parents just can’t shut up about their kids. Even when they look like they’re listening politely to what you’re saying, they’re just waiting for the next opportunity to cut in and tell you about the time their kid made an unidentified mass out of lego isn’t that so precious??

After you make a baby, all your interactions with them fall into 1 of 2 categories. My inner geek had to come up with a chart.

You’ve heard of the 80-20 rule. Behold the 55-45 rule.

When you’re a parent, you’ll know that there’s like a secret toddler contest to see who comes up with the most creative way to drive their parents insane and the winner gets to have street cred for being the most badass baby. Trust me, every kid is in on it. In that game, there’s only one rule: torment your parents for exactly 45% of the time, and after that, get your cute on.

The key lies in the 5%.

The truth is, having a kid changes you. You’ll probably never love anything as much as you love them. You used to love ice-cream or bags or shoes but you’ll gladly give it all up for them. You’ll do crazy stuff like fight off a rabid bear, or in my case, engage in a death match with a lizard for them. You’ll talk about them incessantly even when you know how annoying it is for everyone else. You’ll hold them in your arms after a bad day and suddenly feel like the world is beautiful again.

People ask me what’s the big deal about having kids. If it’s so hard and you have to give up so much, why do it?

It’s the experience. The most sublime joy I’ve ever felt. The rush of loving something more than I ever thought possible and knowing that they love me back just as much. Well, at least until they get married and have their own kids.

It’s the magic 5%.

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lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Minding manners, not business

November 9, 2011

As a country, we’re not big on manners. We do the Singaporean thing of minding our own business and eyeballing the floor when we happen to be in the presence of strangers. We score a seat in the train and pretend to fall asleep because it’s so much easier than dealing with the awkward situation of “should I offer my seat to that lady with a slightly roundish abdomen”.

“Good morning” and “How’s it going?” aren’t things you hear on a typical morning grind. In fact, all it takes is for your toddler to hold up the elevator for an extra 2 seconds and you hear the impatient “tsks” getting progressively audible.

Then there’re the establishments that seem determined to take the service out of customer service. The husband knows that I’m very particular about exactly what goes into my food. I order a double cheeseburger and it has to be without pickles, mustard and ketchup (yes, I know it technically is NOT a cheeseburger without them). My mee pok has to have chili but no vinegar or ketchup.

On good days, my order gets taken with a slight brow furrow and a curt nod. On other days, I get an irate “if you don’t ask for ketchup, we don’t put ketchup one hor.”

One time the husband was ordering dinner at a tze char stall and he politely asked the lady how long the wait was going to be. She proceeded to lose her marbles, screaming in Mandarin “you want to eat, you wait. If not, forget it.” We did wait, because the food is remarkably good there and besides, what’s dignity compared to the legendary claypot chicken? But imagine, the experience would have been so much better if he didn’t have to get yelled at.

With the kids, we’re determined to inculcate good manners. And not just the perfunctory “please” and “thank you’s” but the genuine enthusiasm that goes into being gracious and polite. The heartfelt compliments when they’re deserved and a kind word to someone who didn’t necessarily deserve it.

We’ve done a manners list. A set of rules for the kids to abide by, where the penalty for non-compliance is to not have McDonalds for a week. So basically, we win either way.

Ok, we also try to lead by example and do all of those things.

1. In the morning, say “morning momma/daddy” and round it up with a hug and a kiss. Don’t grunt and roll your eyes unless they’re rolling back into your head, and even then, it’s your own fault for tormenting me till midnight the night before.

2. When you want something, say please. If you want something really bad, say “pretty please mommy, btw you look so beautiful today, I really like your hair/jeans/smile/eyes.” Also doesn’t hurt to throw in a kiss.

3. If you don’t get what you want when you want it, it’s your prerogative to whine. But that only means you’re never going to get it. Ever.

4. When you get something, say thank you. You can also say “I love you so much, you’re the best mom in the world.”

5. Sometimes you’ll see other aunties/uncles/kids get into the lift with you. Smile and say “hello auntie.” If it’s a kid, you can give a hi-5. If it’s the weird uncle downstairs, stay the hell away from him.

6. When someone does something well, say “you did a great job”. Remember when you guys finished all your food and mommy said “great job, kids, you did well?” Like that.

7. When someone doesn’t do a really good job and there’s room for improvement, say “it’s ok, you can do it next time.” Remember the time you guys didn’t finish your food and mommy said “That wasn’t so good, no gummies. But it’s ok, you can do better at dinner?” Yeah, like that, except without the gummies part.

8. When you leave a house after a visit, say “bye and thank you for having me.” Don’t just grab your stuff and dash off. Or have a meltdown because it’s time to leave.

9. Be respectful to adults. That means not being rude or obnoxious. Obnoxious is when…forget it. Just don’t be rude.

10. Be nice to other kids. Unless they’re repeatedly mean to you then tell mommy and I’ll deal with it.

11. Sometimes when mommy is driving, mommy gets to be not very polite to other drivers when they do very bad driving. Cover your ears. One day, you will understand.

What’s on your manners list? Do tell. 

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Comic Relief, lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Boys vs Girls: A Scientific Approach

October 28, 2011

This is a tough one. Traditionally, Chinese have always preferred boys over girls, because they continue the family name and they have bigger muscles to harvest crops out in the field. Girls could only make babies for someone else’s family and if she’s lucky hot enough to snag a rich dude, the parents get a big, fat dowry for all that effort.

These days, we’re a little more enlightened (plus muscles are overrated), so we’re all “boy or girl, it’s all the same.”

But is it though?

1. Playtime means entirely different things.

2. Dresses! Leggings! Ribbons! Hairbands!

 

3. One word: Hugs

 

4. Time for some Hokkien lessons: Boys = Boh See Diam (unable to sit still)

So this would make a rock solid case for having girls and all will be well for about 15 years. But then sooner or later, this day will come… and you will have to fight the urge to lock her in a basement. Or invest in a set of carving knives.

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lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Living with toddlers

October 25, 2011

More often than not, having a toddler (or two) running around the house is a basket of awesome.

They walk around wearing 15 articles of clothing (some of which belong to me), put stuff in their nostrils and spend way too much time trying to fit into little boxes. They know when they’re doing something cute and will often draw attention to their cuteness with a “MOMMY LOOK AT ME!” followed by a fit of giggles.

That thing they do where they hold your ears and kiss you all over your face (2 on the cheeks, 2 on the eyes, the forehead, nose and chin)? Totally makes you want to buy them anything they want. “You’d like that $200 doll house that’s basically made of paper cardboard? Of course, pumpkin!”

They dazzle you with their cuteness, smother you with hugs and flash you those innocent peepers to make you feel like having them around is the best thing in the world.

Which it would be if not for some of the things they do that make you want to stab yourself repeatedly with a blunt object.

Stuff like…

1. Pee everywhere. The one thing that toddlers lack is focus and we all know (I’m mostly referring to guys here) how important that is when it comes to the fine art of peeing. It looks easy enough to me – just aim and fire. But apparently it’s harder than it looks because just when about 87% of the pee goes into the toilet bowl, they inevitably start to lose focus and it ends up everywhere else but the bowl.

One time Tru was doing his thing and I wanted to show him something really cool so I was all “Tru, come quick!” He turned and ran out midstream and I watched the pee fly all over my toilet in slow motion as I screamed “NO NOOOOOO TURN BACK YOU’RE STILL PEEING!!!” So he got even more confused and turned around 360 degrees, all the while still peeing. Fun times.

2. Hide everything. That’s actually ok if they remember where they put it. But they don’t. And in an emergency (which is like all the time), they stare at you blankly when you ask “Where’s my car key? Mommy’s late we have to leave now.” Then again, it’s possibly worse when they know and think it’s funny not to tell you so they look at each other and giggle while you panic and threaten to withhold gummies for a month.

3. Stick their sticky fingers on things that should not be stuck. They’re like spiderman, except much less cool and somewhat annoying. I pick up my phone and it’s sticky. I open my macbook and there’s a layer of sticky. I pick out my shoes and yes, they’re sticky.

4. Dunk my stuff in water. I get why they love water so much. Really, I do. It’s WET! It’s SPLASHY! It makes things float. It makes things sink. It’s SUPER FUN! It’s just not as fun for me when I have to fish out my phone from the bottom of the bathtub to watch the screen flicker until it breathes its last and dies in my arms.

5. Talk in that high-pitched nasally voice when they don’t get what they want. There’s the normal voice that normal people have and there the incessant, high-pitched hypersonic version that toddlers have. It’s like a special power that nobody wants.

Toddler: Mommy can I have gummies?

Me: No.

Toddler: Please, just one?

Me: No sweetie, you just had TEN “just ones.”

Toddler: Iwantgummeeesmommyiwantsomanyilikegummeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… 

Me: *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab*

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seriously somewhat serious, unqualified parenting tips

Halloween – Fun or Frightening?

October 21, 2011

Halloween.

It didn’t use to be this huge back when we were kids. I remember reading books about Halloween and watching movies with kids trick or treating and feeling totally bummed that we didn’t have it here. I mean, dressing up as my favorite character and going door to door to get candy, that’s almost as good as tearing open presents on Christmas morning. Ok, we do have Chinese New Year where we got real money instead of candy but in exchange, we had to all dress up in red like an ang pow and carry oranges around.

In recent years though, Halloween celebrations seem to be catching on. We still don’t do much trick or treating because the aunty next door would probably stare open-mouthed before giving the kids an awkward pat on the head and shooing them out the door. But Halloween parties are a lot more common these days and Singaporeans are putting in the effort to dress up for a themed party – that’s a big deal in my books.

So considering that we’re sort of new to this Halloween thing, it’s understandable that parents are a bit iffy about the whole shebang. Like all of a sudden, there are vampires and skulls and mummies (not the good kind) and fake blood – it’s all a lot to take in.

I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember and coming from a Christian perspective, I understand why Halloween celebrations are seen as pagan and evil. I’m not a huge fan of the macabre myself because my tolerance for the dark arts are limited to um, Indiana Jones. I watched Lord of the Rings and when the dark riders appeared, I freaked out. I read Edgar Allan Poe once and I couldn’t sleep for days. I had to finish Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein for a Literature class and I made the husband (then boyfriend) hold my hand as I read. I closed my eyes the whole time during the Haunted Mansion Ride in Disneyland. I don’t do horror shows or search for adventure in haunted houses.

I also am very careful with exposing my kids to scary stuff. They don’t have the maturity to deal with gory images at the moment and we believe that it’s our job to shelter them till they’re mature enough to deal.

But that being said, I’m ok with Halloween.

Just like I’m ok with Chinese Lion Dance performances (traditionally a pagan exercise to ward off evil spirits). And the Mid Autumn Festival (which celebrates Lunar Worship). If you think about it, there are a lot of similarities between them.

They carve pumpkins into Jack-O-Lanterns, we carry lanterns to pay respects to the moon.

They dress up as various characters to ward off evil spirits, we put on a lion head and dance around to ward off evil spirits.

They eat candy, we eat mooncakes.

Same thing.

I’m not saying that I agree with the philosophy behind it but all these traditions are culturally bound and to write it all off as evil seems a bit harsh. The truth is that cultures evolve and some of these symbols no longer hold the same significance as it did a hundred years ago. But yet we still do it because it’s part of our history and it’s something that brings us together. Which is great because we get to eat mooncakes even if we’re not moon worshippers.

A good friend once told me that just because it’s potentially dangerous to eat fish in case we swallow a bone and die, we shouldn’t avoid it altogether. Fish is awesome so just eat the fish and spit out the bones. In other words, there’s no need to condemn something just because we don’t agree with some parts of it.

If my friend is throwing a harmless Halloween-themed party, I’d let my kids attend as long as they’re not going to have vampires jump out of coffins and chase them while they’re eating. It’s a time to get together and dress up and eat candy and have fun so if it’s in the name of Halloween, that’s fine by me. I let the kids watch Lion Dance performances in school and if they come back jumping around pretending to be a lion, that fine by me. The kids eat lots of mooncakes and that’s fine by me.

And come on, we can’t the shelter the kids forever. There’s lot of evil in the world and they’re going to know it sooner or later. I’d much rather that they know of the existence of bad stuff and develop the maturity to deal with it than to pretend it doesn’t exist only for them to find out from a friend’s friend’s neighbor. Our job is to raise them right so that when they’re inevitably exposed to the bad stuff, they’re equipped to know it’s bad and avoid it.

All I’m saying is if you’re not comfortable with Halloween, that’s cool. And if you are, that’s also cool.

On a semi-related note, my sister just sent me these hilarious pics from the scariest Haunted House attraction in the world. (warning on the link – it is a haunted house attraction)

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i embarrass myself sometimes, not feeling so supermom, stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Truett and the Crazy Elevator

October 20, 2011

I really don’t like to do the putting people in a box thing but let’s just say that if I absolutely had to do it with the kids, I’d put Truett in a box labelled “Not Likely to Get Stuck in Sticky Situations” while Kirsten would end up straight in the “Look, A Sticky Situation – LET’S GO THERE!” box.

I’m speaking metaphorically of course, but now that I think about it, it might not be such a bad idea to put them in a real box like this when they’re being difficult.

Relax, I’m not going to call it the Box of SHAME. I’ll christen it with a cute name like Time-Out Corner and paint pretty little pink flowers on it. I’m considerate that way.

So back to my story – there are these elevators at my block that are mental and I suspect, a little evil. The button that’s supposed to keep the door open works sporadically at best, meaning that the door shuts anytime it damn well pleases. I’ve been attacked by the crazy doors on numerous occasions and one time, the door shut right after Tru stepped in even though I was pressing the button to keep it open.

Good thing it decided to open again after a few seconds but those few seconds must have been an eternity for him because after that incident, Tru is extremely cautious when it comes to elevators.

Kirsten, on the other hand, does not care about getting lost or injured or trapped in confined spaces. She’s 10 times more likely to disappear into a drain while walking (true story – she’s like 1 of 5 people in the world who managed to graze her armpits) or run into a wall.

A couple of days ago, we were on the way back when Kirsten suddenly decided to dash into the lift. I was several steps behind and I was about to run after her when out of nowhere came a flying ninja tackle from Truett. It all happened very quickly and next thing I knew, they were both on the ground with Tru grabbing her in a stranglehold inches away from the evil elevator door.

Kirsten was obviously upset at being tackled but it was nowhere near as upset as Tru was. He was furious at me for letting her run unsupervised and upset at his sister for being so reckless. “You don’t ever do that again, you understand?”, he yelled at her.

Then he turned to me and said sternly, “Mommy you carry her now. You must take care of mei mei better and don’t let her get lost.”

Yes, sir. 

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stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Dealing with bullies – the kids edition

October 13, 2011

Tru came back from school yesterday looking a little troubled. After some probing, he said that his *friend* called him stupid and pushed him.

Before I rained curses on the offending child, I tried asking Tru the context of the incident, like if he was the one who pushed the kid first or snatched his toy but he wouldn’t say.

So far, we haven’t really had to deal with the issue of bullying or dealing with mean kids. Apart from one or two incidents at the playground under my watchful eye, they’ve never had to deal with bullies on their own. I’m also well aware of the fact that kids will be kids and they do all kinds of batshitcrazy stuff all the time, even mine. Much as I teach the kids not to hit or bite or shove, they still do it to each other so I have no illusions that they’re perfect.

However, hearing that my kid got bullied in school and seeing him so troubled got me a little miffed.

Obviously, it was time for the bullying talk. The husband did a piece a while ago on how to deal with bullies but those things could only be done by an adult so now I’m coming up with a kids edition.

1. Tell the teacher. 

But we all know how this usually turns out. Without witnessing the actual incident, the teacher can only issue a lame command for the bully to stop. And he will pretend to stop – for five minutes – before resuming his bullying ways.

2. Ignore the kid.

It’s true that these kids thrive on attention so when they see that they’re not getting a response, they generally get bored and stop. However, this only applies to when you’re dealing with verbal abuse because it’s hard to ignore a fist to your lower jaw for extended periods.

3. Run away. 

There’s no shame in running away, like when you’re faced with a flesh-eating zombie or a hungry T-rex or a Dudley-sized bully. Except that in a confined space like a school, there’s only so far you can go before the bully catches up and whips your ass till you cry uncle.

4. Tell the kid to stop it. 

This is a long shot but one that must be attempted nonetheless. But really, if  the bully was someone that listened to reason, he probably wouldn’t be throwing his weight around and shoving kids randomly in the first place.

5. Stand up to the bully.

Well, this depends on how big the bully is. Let’s face it, my child is not Bruce Lee and he does not possess the necessary skills to beat a monster of a child to a pulp.

No, dealing with bullies requires more drastic action.

6. Direct bully to mommy.

When all else fails, there’s always the super secret back up plan, which is to point out the bully to mommy, who will taser him when no one is looking.

You’d think I’m kidding but I’m already shopping for tasers on ebay.

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