Here’s what nap time with baby Theo looks like:
1.00 pm: Always start with the milk. I tuck him in nice and comfy with his blankie and give him his bottle. All is well.
1.05 pm: His eyes flutter shut for a moment as he drinks. Could this be?? This looks like a promising start.
“ALL DONE! Some more milk!” – Theo
“You just drank a whole bottle of milk, and that’s after your lunch. Let’s give that tummy a break ok.” – Me
“A little bit. Small small bit.” (puts his hands together to show me exactly how small the bit is) – Theo
“Ok fine. Just a little bit.” – Me
1.12 pm: Round 2 of milk done.
“Some more little bit.” – Theo
“No more! No more little bit. You’re going to throw up if you have more bits.” – Me
“Little bit…urrr hurrrr hurrrr…” – Theo
This is not even a real cry. It’s like a half-assed attempt at a whine-cry when he knows it’s futile but he just wants to make his displeasure felt.
“Shhhhh, it’s time for bed. Lie down and close your eyes.” – Me
I say the same thing every nap time and I don’t even know why I say this because he does none of these things.
1.45 pm: It’s been over 30 minutes of general mischief. Climbing everywhere, somersaults, licking the pillows, some yoga, a little bouncing, a lot of VERY LOUD SINGING. From time to time, I try to shush him or make him lie down but he just gets right back up again and resumes state of mischief. I think this will continue for a while.
“Mommy…” – Theo
I’m mildly annoyed but this is the sweetest sound in the world. Among all my kids, he’s got the most endearing way of calling me mommy – a combination of sweet and gentle and adoring. Urgh, I can’t help myself.
“Yes, baby?” – Me
“Do you want to eat ants?” – Theo
“No, thank you. I don’t like ants.” – Me
“Do you want to eat lizard?” – Theo
“Ewww gross. No.” – Me
“Do you want to eat frog?” – Theo
“Ok yeah, I like frogs. Frogs are delicious.” – Me
“Do you want to eat snail?” – Theo
“Umm, not really, no.” – Me
“Uhrrr hurrr hurrrrrr…eat snail urhhh!” (more lame pretend crying) – Theo
“Fine, I’ll eat a snail. Whatever makes you happy ok. Now go to sleep.” – Me
2.25 pm: Why is someone is sitting on my face yelling MOMMY!!!??? I must have dozed off. The pillows are strewn everywhere, the diffuser is overturned and spilt, there is a pig plushie inside my shirt and this baby is still engaging in various forms of nonsense. Zero effort. This is getting out of control.
“Lie down now!!” – Me
“No, thank you!” – Theo
“Wrong answer. Quick lie down, mommy will sing you Old MacDonald.” – Me
“Ok.” – Theo
Do you know how long it takes to go through 14 animals in the Old MacDonald song? Exactly 4 minutes and 26 seconds. Sometimes I try to sing very slowly, like when your walkman is out of battery and you’re trying to squeeze out those last few songs on your cassette tape? Kids these days with their iPhones will never understand the joy that is listening to a song slow mo on your walkman because you can’t afford new batteries. And even when I sing that slowly, I stretch it out by another 3 minutes tops. After which the baby is right back his mischief making ways.
I think I’ll just give up and take a nap. At least this way one of us will have napped.
“Mommy, look at this.” – Theo
“Mommy is sleeping, I’ll look at it later. You need to go to bed too.” – Me
There’s no way whatever I’m supposed to look at is more interesting than my nap.
“Mommy, look at this! LOOK AT THIS!!” – Theo
He’s forcibly prying my eyelids open and his face is 2 inches from mine. I can’t not look.
Why is this happening? I can’t even.
3.18 pm: It’s been quiet for several minutes. I peer over slowly and this ridiculous baby is finally asleep.
That’s 2 hours of my life I’m never getting back. Sigh, but then again, maybe I don’t want to get it back. I spend the next 15 minutes just holding him and smelling his sweaty hair because this is the part I like the most. It’s like a reward for having endured the past 2 hours and now, I have this.