I really hope it is

I am a child of the 80′s and there’s one thing that unites us children of the 80′s. That’s MJ. I was rocking out to Billie Jean as a kid and Heal the World *always* made me cry. It was the first song I ever performed on stage and I remember singing my heart out because I really meant to do my part for you and for me and the entire human race. Before I was old enough to understand plastics and pedophilia, there was a time where MJ was the epitome of all things awesome and cool.

Then the sizzle kinda fizzled and maybe I grew up. Or maybe he stopped being cool. But the magic was gone and the record got shoved to be back of my cd rack.

But it still is MJ and imdb gave the show a review of 7.6 (I’m going to have a word with you about that, imdb) so we spent our Sunday afternoon watching This is it. A Sunday afternoon I could have spent shopping, or taking a walk by the beach, or having a Toffee Nut latte, or even watching (500) Days of Summer. (which I will watch once the DVD is out)

I want my money (and my Sunday afternoon) back, Kenny Ortega, because it is exactly the kind of show I could have watched on Youtube. Not even on a DVD, because that’s how bad the production quality is. Ok, I know you probably made a loss on the sold out comeback tour but that is not an excuse to chop up footage from the rehearsal, piece it together on Final Cut Pro and pass it off as a feature film. That is not cool, Kenny. I have watched High School productions that have more effort.

I know that it’s not a full dress rehearsal, and I’m all for rehearsing in comfort because I overslept and had no time to comb my hair, but tell me I did not just spend 2 hours of my life watching an extended faux-MV with a dude in bed hair and PJs.

This is probably where I get hate mail from MJ fans who *loved* the film and would intend to watch is another 20 times in the cinema to try to recapture the magic. I hate to break it to you, but THE MAGIC IS GONE, fellas. He was trying to conserve his voice, so you’re getting ripped off on the singing bit, and his backup dancers are bringing more booty than he is. He’s still got the crotch-grabbing part down pat, I’ll give you that, but I am not sitting through a two-hour snorefest just to watch him grab his crotch, if you know what I mean.

I am going to stop dissing the show now because I don’t want to get any anthrax in the mail. Unless you are intending to send me some MJ memorabilia (I want the Beatles collection), then please send it to my home address.

But seriously, I’m not taking anything away from the man. Tru will rock out to Smooth Criminal and learn the moonwalk, but it’s just sad that folks are mercenary enough to squeeze out every last cent from his life. Even after he’s gone, they’re still finding new ways to jump onto the Michael bandwagon.

People are probably too nice to make a big deal out of it because it’s like going to a funeral and watching a vid they put together, which under normal circumstances would make you dig out your eyes, but since he’s already dead, you sit through it and pretend to observe a moment of silence while you actually fall asleep. Then afterwards, you’re supposed to dab your eyes and talk about how awesome it is. It’s called respect, I know.

Just don’t make me pay for it.

UPDATED: This, this is what I’m talking about. This is what makes your heart skip a beat and your skin tingle. This is magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l74Y_p6or00

I finally went to watch UP over the weekend to celebrate the husband’s birthday. We’ve been trying to catch it on the big screen since it opened but with the arrival of Kirsten, watching movies is a luxury we could scarcely afford.

We used to put Tru at my mom’s place and pop out for a show but it’s just too cruel to leave her alone with 2 kids. We also contemplated bringing Kirsten along for the show but it’s the kind of thing that gets you crucified by your neighbors so that was the end of that. So with a little help from my mom and a friend, we settled the kids and headed downtown for our first movie in months.

You probably already know the movie rocks big time, so I’m not going to rave about it here. *IT IS ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS AND EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT. MULTIPLE TIMES.* Ok, I got that out of my system.

Instead, here are 5 lessons I learnt from Pixar’s latest masterpiece.

1. It’s cute to be fat… Only if you’re under the age of 10.

I had my doubts about placing the weight of an entire movie on the shoulders of an old man and a fat boy, but hey, that’s why I’m not raking in millions from a movie I just produced. I fell in love with Russell, the fat boy Junior Wilderness Explorer from Tribe 54 the moment he stood on Carl’s front porch with his super backpack and pudgy cheeks.

He obviously overdid the chocolate thing, but when you’re 8, nobody’s going to judge you. Heck, you can probably also get away with eating that much chocolate if you’re a 13-foot multicolored bird . What they’re not showing you is what happens to him after he grows up into an obese teenager and eating that much chocolate is no longer cute.

2. When you start to have a gazillion talking dogs, you’re bound to lose your marbles a little.

Case in point: Charles Muntz . Ok, so nobody believed he found the bones of an imaginary creature and he got banished to Paradise Falls, which is clearly NOT paradise at all. But he was still pretty much sane. It’s only when he started breeding dogs like hamsters and making them talk, he turned into a psychotic bird stalker. He’s got them cooking his meals and making him coffee, which is when he started losing his sanity. I bet if he kept fish instead, he wouldn’t have fallen off a moving aircraft.

See, its not that I have a bone to pick with him, but..

3. Guys in black suits and shades are EVIL.

Never trust a guy wearing a suit.  They’re always out to run down your mailbox or steal your money or destroy your house. Even when they don’t physically do it themselves, they’re probably still to blame for whatever bad things that happen to you. The next time you stub a toe or break a fingernail, look for the nearest suit and punch him in the gut because he’s likely to deserve it. Only the bad guys wear suits. With shades. Duh.

Case in point

4. Girly girls are so yesterday.

i'm a woman, hear me roar!

You don’t have to be into make-up and nail polish to snag the guy. Girls that hold hands and dance around the campfire are so last season. Spunky girls are all the rage now, so feel free to knock out a few teeth, snip off those locks and ditch the miniskirts. In fact, if you really like a guy, go ahead a terrorize him into submission. That’s the key to a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

5. If you need to do some major business in the jungle, dig a hole BEFORE you go and not after.

Nuff said.

I must have mentioned that my taste in movies are pretty predictable. I like the usual romantic comedies, (except those with the cheesy scripts that make me want to cringe) blockbusters and action shows. I also have a soft spot for car racing shows and good heist movies.

If I wasn’t a mother, I’d probably be a super spy or a bank heist mastermind in another life. It’s not just the money, it’s the thrill of outsmarting the system and getting away with it.

So naturally, when we had a night off to catch a show, The Taking of Pelham 123 edged out Terminator Salvation, State of Play and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I was hoping for some brilliant acting, a smart-ass fast-talking script, and some ingenious heist. But it turned out to be nothing more than a real tease. All I got was a huge set-up for a truly disappointing ending. With heavyweights like John Travolta (Grease is still one of my all time favorites – I can do a solid rendition of Grease Lightning!) and Denzel Washington, the acting was its only saving grace.

The plot though, left much to be desired. The whole time, I was waiting for the great escape, or a twist or something to tie up the story, but nada. There were promising moments, like when John Travolta was masterminding the heist as a catalyst for a tumble on the stock exchange so he could make an obscene pile of money and James Gandolfini realized the real reason behind the setup. But then it was just left hanging after that.

Or when this black dude stood up to take a bullet for a white lady he barely knew. There was so much potential with the plot, but somehow, it was all so dissatisfying. Like a build up to an orgasm which never happens. Just a big, fat waste of my time.

In fact, it was rather lame and when the credits started to roll, I was still hoping that there was something more. *Spoiler alert* All the bad guys got gunned down and the last scene ended with Denzel Washington, the anti-hero, taking the subway home and looking out the window.

We were probably better off watching Russell Crowe mumble his way through another movie. Or rewatching Taken: The Ultimate Parenting Guide.