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love bites, sexytime, unqualified parenting tips

Supersex: the parent edition

What I’m going to say next falls squarely in the category of too much information so if you’re weirdish about this sort of thing or happen to be my kids, you can STOP READING NOW and go see some pictures of cute puppies instead.

You’ve probably heard people say that the sexytime game changes the moment you have kids but they don’t say exactly how it changes or what to do about it. They make generic statements like “kids are the opposite of aphrodisiacs” and laugh uncomfortably, which just makes you feel even more uncomfortable for them. It doesn’t help the cause when you look at frazzled couples holding a screaming baby and snapping away at each other.

When you’re baby-free and having smokin’ hot action, you tell yourself that you’re the exception to the rule. You’re all “baby or no baby, momma’s bringing her A game”. In your head, you think you can sneak in a quickie during their naps or do the long snuggles when they’re nicely tucked into bed at 7.30.

And that sound you hear is the present me totally mocking the pre-baby me right now.

The moment the kids came along, it was like my libido hastily bought a one-way ticket to Siberia and has been sending me postcards ever since. Where we used to do the whole spontaneous clothes ripping routine to boom-chica-wow-wow music, now we have discussions on penciling in whoopie nights to screaming kids in the background that go something like this.

Me: How about Friday? Friday looks good, TGIF wooo!

Kel: We’ve got that thing on Friday, we’ll be way too tired by the time we get back. Saturday?

Me: Nah-uh. We’re playing Manchester City at 11. Unless we do it before the match.

Kel: Can’t. My match is before your match.

Me: Ok, Sunday afternoon 2.30 when the kids are asleep.

Kel: Cool.

Then along comes Sunday afternoon and one of the kids will refuse to nap or I’ll fall asleep for 3 hours while trying to get the kids to nap.

It’s not that parents can’t have great sex. It just takes a lot more effort and advanced planning, while dealing with exhaustion, postpartum depression, leaky boobs, cramps, fussy babies and a whole lot of tension. Seeing how we’ve been conditioned to think that the best sex happens in the heat of the moment, it’s no wonder that people don’t think much of postpartum sex.

Ok, so then the question is how to keep the magic going when it seems like sex is the furthest thing on your mind. Ah, let me refer you to my handy little list of awesome tips.

1. Plan to be spontaneous

That’s not an oxymoron. Babies don’t afford you much luxury for spontaneity, unless you count their spontaneous screaming and vomiting the moment you start start removing articles of clothing. You want to be spontaneous? Plan for date night, get a babysitter, put on those garters and go do something fun then see where the night takes you.

2. Dress up just for kicks

Here’s one for all the stay home moms. When you’re at home running after babies all day, you don’t care that you look like Susan Boyle on a bad day, or that your milk-stained tee hasn’t been changed since you can’t even remember how long ago. Put on some makeup and find a reason to get out a little just to mix it up a bit.

3. Spend quality alone time without the kids

Parent mode is like preparing for battle – not at all conducive for the sexytime. It’s only when we get some time off from the kids that we get to feel like kids again, which means we’re more likely to do fun stuff.

4. Do the grand gestures

The problem with a routine is that you end up doing the same thing the same way because if it ain’t broke, why fix it right? Wrong. Girls still like the scented candles and rose petals even if it means the kids are likely to set the house on fire. Play the lingerie-treasure-hunt-dress-up game. Don’t know what that is? Never mind, make up your own game.

5. Manage the expectations

This is perhaps the most important part. Most of the time, the sex doesn’t happen and when it does, it doesn’t happen the way you want it to. You put on your wonder woman costume and the kids decide to have a bad dream. That’s when you got to roll with the punches and find some other way to make the magic happen, capisce?

Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, pregnancy, sexytime, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Birth induction methods you may (not) want to try


a glass of wine may help

It was exactly this time during my first pregnancy that I gave birth to Tru. 38 weeks on the dot. But that was a c-section so I could pick an auspicious date to give birth. Waiting for the contractions to kick in is totally different. I feel so powerless. I’ve got my baby bag and all the baby stuff all ready and packed and it’s like waiting for Santa Claus to appear on Christmas eve. The anticipation is killing me. It’s my control-freak nature kicking in and I  just need to know exactly when it’s gonna happen.

Apparently for VBAC, a medical induction of labor increases the chance of womb rupture so it’s off limits. But I hear there are a few ways to induce birth and give the baby a little push as it were. It’s called ripening the cervix (it’s true!)

1. Acupuncture

It’s a tried and tested method by the Chinese and it’s supposed to be highly effective. Back when women used to bind their feet and slice off their pinkies, they realized that somehow jabbing a bunch of needles into various parts of the body triggers the contractions. It’s ingenious, don’t you think?

But seeing that pain avoidance is one of my life’s goals, acupuncture is in my list of Top 10 things NOT to do before I die (along with bungee jumping and eating fire).

2. Castor Oil

It’s a quick and painless method. Just take a few spoonfuls of it neat and wait a few minutes for it to take effect. It’s primarily a laxative, so there’s that nasty side effect where you lose all control of your bowels and start crapping involuntarily. It’s probably good if you hate the gynae/nurse and want to use it as a way to give them nightmares for days.

There’s no guarantee that it will work though, so you may just end up with a severe case of diarrhea.

3. Walking

This sounds pretty harmless. How it works is that it puts pressure on the cervix, causing it to dilate. Anyway it’s the kind of thing you can try without worrying about nasty side effects.

4. Nipple Stimulation

Touted as one of the most effective methods of natural induction, it’s definitely one of the most wildly popular. Mostly because no dude will turn down an invitation to engage in some nipple stimulation – “Boom-chica-wow-wow”.

But seriously, this causes a release of oxytocin, which causes contractions and lead to labor. (See, I’m not a total airhead, I actually know words like oxytocin)

5. Sexytime

As they say, what gets it in also gets it out. (who says that kind of thing anyway?) This is the next most popular method of birth induction, following closely behind the nipple stimulation.

The difference is, while most women are willing to tolerate some mild discomfort to the boobs, certain invasive methods at 38 weeks of pregnancy are too much of a hassle. There’s also the whole foreplay thing to contend with, and by the time there’s any action, you’re way too exhausted for the time to be the least bit sexy. And the focus is to get something out of there, not put something in, if you get what I mean.

I suppose the best thing to do is to sit around and wait till the baby is good and ready to come out. There’s a Chinese saying that goes something like “When the fruit is ready, it will fall off the vine”. Meaning that there’s no point rushing nature, cos all you’re going to end up with is an unripe fruit. Don’t ask me what that means. It’s too deep for my 38-week-pregnant brain.

If it’s up to me, Kirsten will be born on the 4th of July. So who knows, there might be some serious action on the 3rd. Woohoo!

pregnancy, sexytime

Two is enough…for now.


Jon and Kate plus 8. I'll get there, someday..

With 2 pregnancies back to back, I’ve been pregnant for so long I can’t remember what it feels like not to be pregnant. To wear regular clothes and dye my hair and bend over to cut my toenails without passing out. And I’ve been telling everyone who will listen that I NEED A BREAK. My body is screaming out for some respite and I have this nagging suspicion that it will go on strike if I have a third kid. Like completely break down and refuse to work.

Just the other day my mom (who adores kids) told me flat out that if I had another kid, Grandma won’t be coming to the rescue. There’s no way she’s watching 3 kids while I head out for my weekly movie breaks.

And I ended up having this totally weirdish conversation with her in the kitchen. Cos it’s always awkward talking to your mom about the details of your very active sex life.

Mom: You should consider some contraceptive methods after you give birth.

Me: *mumbles* Yeah, we’ll look into it.

Mom: It’s important to do some family planning, like see what options are available.

Me: *mumbles some more* Uh, yeah, I know.

She probably had a lot more to say, but I had to make a hasty getaway before the conversation ended up something like “Mommy’s favorite contraceptive was…” Ok, TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION.

That being said, I am definitely going to have some serious contraceptive plan after I pop (which will be reserved for another post) because I cannot handle having a third kid, at least not in the next 3 years. I need my life back. But the totally freaky thing is that I’ve been having this recurrent dream that almost immediately after Kirsten in born, I’m preggers again.

So in my dream I’m holding the pregnancy test strip and there’s that plus sign which means positive and I’m freaking out at the husband (it will be all his fault if it happens) and screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” at the top of my lungs.

And you’d think the dream ends there, but then it continues and suffice to say, at the end of the dream, I look like a cross between a hobo and Helena Bonham Carter, except with crazier hair and bloodshot eyes.

Repeat after me. Not going to happen.

Funny or So I think, pregnancy, sexytime

Pregnancy and Sexercise


I was asked to do an interview for an article in a women’s magazine today. At first, I was all like “Why, let me check my very important schedule and see if I have time to sit down for a chat.” But before I even got a chance to savor my sense of self-importance, I took a glance at the topic – Sex and Pregnancy, and my chocolate milk almost squirted out of my nostrils.

Now, I’m not a prude or anything, but when it comes to MAKING THE SEXYTIME, I kinda prefer to keep it all to myself, and maybe at most, a very, very close friend.

However, considering that it is for the good of all mankind, (well, my experience is prodigious) I decided to go ahead and do the interview.

Q1. Being a given that sex is very important to men, was sex or the potential lack thereof a concern for your spouse when you first discovered you were pregnant?

What I should have said: First of all, sex is also very important to women. We are after all the masters of multiple orgasms. Second of all, there will be no lack of sex regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not. We are after all the masters of multiple orgasms.

What I did say: We had to sit down and talk about the adjustments we had to make with regards to our sex life during pregnancy, so that we both know what to expect and how to manage it best. Open communication is really important, rather than avoid the topic and try to second-guess each other.

Q2. What physical changes did you encounter that hindered or encouraged intimacy during your pregnancy?

What I should have said: You get bigger boobs, an increased libido and better orgasms. There’s no way I’m losing my mojo, baby.

What I did say: The belly was a real problem in the later months. It was really uncomfortable to lie on my back or side. Actually, it was just uncomfortable all the time.

Q3. What problems did you encounter when being intimate with your spouse during your pregnancy?

What I should have said: What problems? Did you not hear what I said about the bigger boobs?

What I did say: We had to think of creative ways when the stomach got too big and uncomfortable.

Q4. How did you overcome these problems (e.g. change of position, sexual alternatives, substitute with other forms of emotional or physical fulfillment like cuddling etc.)

What I should have said: There is a plethora of alternatives. Blow job, hand job, nose job (oh wait, that’s something else), woman on top, side-by-side, spooning, the list goes on.

What I did say: There was a lot of cuddling and hugging, which is good. We were also quite experimental with different positions.

Q5. Can you provide a few tips to our readers on how they can best maintain or improve intimacy with their spouses during pregnancy?

What I should have said: Pregnant women are hot. Just lay off the chips and I think you’ll do just fine.

What I did say: Have very frank and open communication with your spouse because things are going to be different, and they won’t understand what you are going through unless you talk about it. Also, have realistic expectations of each other so tension can be minimized.

Evidently, my responses were very safe and appropriate. But don’t you just hate reading sterile answers in those women’s mags where it’s all watered-down and boring. Come on, even my grandmother would have been more explicit.

That being said, I totally chickened out. I do have an image to maintain after all.