love bites

Seven years ago tomorrow, it was a beautiful Sunday. The sun was warm (but not unbearably so) and the day was pretty. At least it felt that way in my head – I can’t really remember. Most of that Sunday seemed like a crazy whirlwind of photo taking, tea ceremonies, people telling us what to do and way too much smiling required for one day but there were a few things I remember quite vividly about it.

I could hardly sleep the night before because I was terrified and so ridiculously happy all at the same time. More terrified and happy than I’ve ever felt up to that point. 

At 5 in the morning, I lay awake in bed thinking about how much I wanted the day to slow down so I could take in every moment of it. 

Someone shouted that you were here and I peered out of the window, watching you walk towards my house with with that goofy grin. It was comforting to see that you looked as terrified and happy as I did. 

By noon, I was completely exhausted and I remember thinking that all I wanted to do was to take a nap. Also, the day was going far too slowly for my liking. I decided it needed to speed up a little. 

I can’t really remember much about walking down the aisle or saying my vows or cutting the cake or any of those epic moments one is supposed to remember about one’s wedding…except that it happened. The moment I remembered most clearly was halfway though the thousand photos we took that day, when you turned to me and whispered “is your face cramping up? I don’t think I’ve ever smiled this much in my life. Let’s just scowl at each other for the rest of the night” and we secretly exchanged a hi-five.

Shortly after that, you said “in case I forget to tell you later, this has been the best day of my life.” Although you did remember to tell me again several more times before the day was over. 

Looking back, we didn’t have a plan or a house or a car or even the faintest clue what our lives would be like seven years down the road. We just closed our eyes, held hands and took a leap.

Over the years, we discovered that marriage isn’t easy. Having babies isn’t easy. Building a life together isn’t easy. Heck, life isn’t easy. It’s fun and exhilarating and awesome but also sometimes boring and scary and so incredibly hard. It took us all the grit and tenacity and commitment we could muster to get to where we are and now, we’ve got a little 7-year-old marriage that’s almost big enough to go to primary school. Which is to say that there’s still so much more ahead of us. I’m guess I’m glad we get to do this together.

Today, I look at my best friend in the world and our 3 babies (plus the little one we’re getting ready to meet) and I feel like what we have right now is better than any other version of my life I could possibly ask for.

Happy seventh a day early, baby!

Today’s our wedding anniversary and while I was explaining to the kids what it meant, it occurred to me that till this day, they haven’t seen our wedding pictures. So I dug up the photo archives and told the kids all about the day daddy and mommy got married 6 years ago.

Truett indulged me by glancing at a few photos and then decided that the entire endeavor was kind of meh but Kirsten just sat on my lap and browsed every single one of my 328 photos.

People say that after you’ve been married for a while, it’s important to remember all the special moments together and this day is certainly one of them.

Happy anniversary, baby.

After all this time and I still find your weirdness endearing, your jokes funny and your charm irresistible. I think it’s what they call love.

UPDATED: Okay and a couple more poser shots from the pre-wedding studio shoot.

Yesterday was my 11th-year anniversary of being an official couple with the husband. I only found out when he said “Happy 11th anniversary, babe!” while we were in the car yesterday. I stared at him blankly for several seconds before it clicked in my head and then I felt bad that it took me so long to piece it together.

“Oh!! What date is it today?” I was going for the whole “I couldn’t possibly forget such an important event, I just lost track of the date” defense but I could tell that he wasn’t buying it.

“It’s the twelfth. Of November. The date we got together,” he replied.

I had to switch strategies. I decided to try the Confundus Charm. “Isn’t our anniversary on the 15th? I’m quite certain it’s on 15 November.”

He gave me the look. The look that said “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Wow I can’t believe it’s been 11 years! That’s like more than a decade!” This was my final strategy – refocus the attention to a somewhat related triviality.

He gave me the other look. The look that said “I see what you’re doing here and it’s really not working.”

“Happy anniversary, baby. Thanks for the last 11 years,” I said with a smile.

And it’s true. After 11 years, I am thankful. To have a guy who bothers to remember the small things about our relationship because it’s the small things that matter. A guy who knows that that this is the sort of thing my brain has difficulty remembering but is ok with it. A guy who sees my moves from a mile off and is still willing to go through the whole charade so I don’t feel so bad.

Ahhh, Valentine’s Day.

Over the years, we’ve learnt to navigate our way around this very delicate day that is Valentine’s.

The first year we were dating, the husband (being the sweet romantic that he is) went the whole nine yards. Flowers, chocolates, a movie and the usual overpriced set meal dinner reservations. I appreciated the thought, even though I didn’t really know what to do with the flowers except to put them at the corner of my hostel room. Incidentally, a week later, they produced the most unbelievable stench I could imagine and I chucked them out discreetly. I wasn’t really a fan of chocolates (give me chips anytime) and we somehow managed to miss our dinner because our movie ran late.

So the first time we spent February 14th together, we had Burger King for dinner.

He looked absolutely mortified that we missed our reservations and the best part of that day for me was laughing over our missed dinner plans and making him admit that this whole Valentine’s Day shebang was a complete rip off. I also told him never to buy me flowers again. Instead, an ipod or a tech gadget was a more acceptable gift option.

For many years after that, we had Burger King for dinner every Valentine’s Day, until we mutually agreed to ditch the sentimentalism and have Carl’s Junior instead because they have better mushroom burgers.

We’re romantic like that.

To be fair, he does make up for it a week or two later with a nice dinner or a short getaway just so we have time to stare into each others’ eyes and whisper sweet nothings.

Now after having spent 10 Valentine’s Days together, with 2 kids and a third on the way, I dare say that I’m starting to appreciate the day a little more than I used to.

When we were younger, we had all the time in the world to be sweet and romantic throughout the year. Who needs Valentine’s Day when it can be Valentine’s Day every day of the year? Every week, we were out for movies and dinners. We spent hours watching Days of Our Lives and making jokes about the bad acting because it was an excuse for us to spend time together. Every day, we felt like we were in love.

But now that we barely even have time for a quiet dinner without getting thronged by kids, it’s nice to have a day to stop and have some time all to ourselves.

Sure, it’s commercialized and gimmicky and terribly overpriced, but there’s magic fairy dust in the air today. And we remember that in the midst of all this craziness, we’re just two kids who are in love.

We’re probably having Carl’s Junior for dinner tonight, and whatever you’re having, I hope you have a good one.

Being married for 4 and a half years hardly makes me an authority on relationships but I consider it an achievement that we’ve survived 2 kids and not stabbed each other in the eye, even though there have been times when some severe stabbing seemed imminent.

Now and then, I have people ask me how we’ve managed to not do that – the stabbing, that is. The simple answer is to keep all sharp objects out of reach during epic showdowns.

Of course, there are other steps involved, which I will get to in a minute because we all know how important it is to keep our eyes intact.

You see, over the years, we’ve worked out an arrangement on how to deal with conflict in a mature and efficient manner. Although we’ve only been married for 4 years, we were together as a couple for 6 years prior to that so technically, we’ve had a decade of opportunities to lose either one or both eyes. Like I said, major achievement.

1. Have a conflict management plan. 

I know life almost never goes according to plan but it’s still good to have one nonetheless. Our plan has been fine-tuned over an entire decade and it involves clearly communicating how we feel about our disagreements. I do it with a series of telepathic eyeball rolls and strategically-timed audible sighs.

At which point the husband is supposed to respond accordingly with sincere and heartfelt apologies explaining how he takes responsibility for the particular situation. This plan works exactly 6.38% of the time.

2. Have a backup conflict management plan.

In situations when the original plan doesn’t work because the husband says “I’m crazy and unreasonable”, the backup plan kicks in. This is where I throw in several dramatic expressions of angst like forehead-grabbing and much louder sighs. Occasionally, actual words are used to explain how I’ve been in labor for 27 hours and gone through a c-section to birth his children so I get immunity from any blame for the next 250 years.

3. No name calling.

We call each other a variety of endearing names like retard and psychopath during peace time but during arguments, we have a rule about no name calling. Even though he feels like I’ve been a raving lunatic on PMS, he doesn’t say it because that falls under the category of personal attacks. Instead, we focus on issues and feelings so there’s less chance of making it personal.

4. No storming off. 

I know certain relationship gurus advocate a cooling off period so both parties can calm down a bit. If that’s required, it must be agreed upon in a civil manner with a specified time frame. Meaning that we’ll stop and say “Ok time out. I can’t talk to you right now, let’s pick this up after an hour.” That usually gives me 60 minutes to go off and sharpen my axe before re-engaging in battle.

In any case, it can’t be one party storming off and hibernating for 3 days.

5. Always go to sleep on the same bed even when we’re mad. 

No matter how bad things get, we don’t allow sleeping on the sofa or the guest room or a hotel because being that’s a sign of commitment that we want to work things out. Sometimes, I build a fortress using a whole bunch of pillows and mark my half of the bed with a “KEEP OUT” sign but nobody gets chased out to the dog house. Ever.

If you have any other relationship tips to share, take it to the comments!