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Funny or So I think

Funny or So I think, how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, Product Reviews

Mother Inc Takes On the Subaru Forester

Last Friday, I was invited to test drive the Subaru Forester for a day. Generally, when somebody asks me to take their car out for a spin, I try not to refuse. I’m accommodating that way.

When I told my mom, she was all like “what do you know about cars?” and I admit, I was stumped for a while. Cars fall into the category of things I like to pretend I know a lot about, so I have all the handy key words like torque and fuel injection but I’m not very sure how it differs from the regular injections I try to stay away from. For a long time, I thought the boot was the thing in front with all the engine parts.

So I guess that makes me a very bad car reviewer but I did some very extensive research on google beforehand to make up for it. I also made up a list of all the things to look out for in a car. I wanted to bring a clipboard along and put a pen behind my ear to look more professional but the husband said I’d only look like a douchebag so I ditched it. Then when I reached the Subaru showroom to pick up the car, the guy behind the counter looked at me very dubiously and that’s when I knew I probably should have trusted my instincts and brought my clipboard.

Me: Hi, I’m here to test drive the Forester.

Counter guy: Are you from the media?

Me: Er…yes?

Counter guy: *looking suspicious* Which media are you from? SPH?

Me: Daphne Media. It’s kind of like SPH, just a lot smaller, but totally works the same way.

He looked even more suspicious but then he made a phone call and I was ushered to a waiting area to snack on some pastries to wait while they brought the car out.

But back to the car. I knew the Forester was an AWD so I wanted to take it out on some rough terrain to give it a go, but I couldn’t find any dirt tracks so we decided to head out to Sentosa instead. We loaded up the kids, two car seats, a stroller and about 10 bags into the car and drove off with the wind in our hair.

You can check out the specs of the car on the website but I’ll summarize the good stuff here for you.

1. Acceleration

There’s only one way I like my cars – fast. I also like them big, but fast is way more important, especially if it makes that low rumbly sound when I floor the accelerator. With a 2.5-liter engine, I can already feel the difference from my trusty Honda Jazz. The moment I hit the expressway, I couldn’t resist stepping on it to feel the surge of acceleration. Let’s just say that hypothetically, if I was driving at 130km/h, the car didn’t even flinch, which I can’t say the same about my 1.5-liter Jazz.

2. Sunroof

I actually didn’t notice the sunroof until we were almost at Sentosa. I was waiting at a traffic light so I started fiddling with all the buttons and next thing I knew, it was like my Batmobile transformed. There’s something about having a sunroof that makes you feel like James Bond. All I needed was a tux and a fake accent and I would have rocked the look. Although we decided to close it after 2 minutes because it was messing up my hair, and all the cool air was escaping and we didn’t want to arrive at Sentosa looking like a couple of sweaty hillbillies with big hair. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

3. Generous boot space

You probably won’t appreciate the need for a large boot if you don’t have kids unless you’re a serial murderer looking for somewhere to stash those bodies, but take it from me, when it comes to space, bigger is always better. At one point, we had two strollers, two car seats, a mountain of toys and a thousand bags squeezed into the boot. Sometimes, I’ve got stuff stacked so high I can’t even see out of my rear mirror, which I’m fairly certain is a traffic offense.

4. Cruise control

I didn’t quite figure out how to work this but it would have been a nice feature to have, seeing that you can actually take your foot off the accelerator without crashing to a halt. So if you ever need to change your pants in the car, like I sometimes do, then you can do it discreetly while driving. Definitely a plus.

On the flip side, I was hoping the back would be a bit more roomy. With two Maxi Cosis behind, there wasn’t much room left for ferrying passengers. At best, only a very thin person could squeeze in from the front and even then, the ride would be quite uncomfortable. The accessories inside weren’t spectacular and I was only ok with the design. I prefer my cars curvy like a blonde bombshell, and the Forester, it’s more like a lumberjack, all masculine and dripping with testosterone.

Also, with the skyrocketing COE prices, it’s hardly easy on the wallet. But it’s also not extortionate so if you have the moolah to spare, it’s probably what they call value for money.

Then again, you might want to test it for yourself first.

Funny or So I think, side effects of motherhood, stuff best described as not safe for parents

If I disappear, you know where to find me

This is not really a post as much as a desperate SOS and a final note in case I disappear from the blogosphere completely tomorrow. And I’m not even *really* kidding. Seriously, if I suddenly stop blogging, somebody CALL THE COPS. Because I’m likely to be held captive by the creepy stalker loitering at my void deck. So I’m leaving a trail of bread crumbs on the Internet so that you know where to find me before I get fed to wolves. The key word here is before, in case you’re wondering.

Obviously I can’t post his *actual* photo here because it’s like asking to be kidnapped but he looks something like this.

creepy old dude

For several days, I’ve noticed a middle-aged guy with a walking aid idling at the benches downstairs. It’s not like handicapped people make me uncomfortable or anything, but handicapped old dudes who stare at me while I’m carrying two kids give me the creeps.

Also, I have a nagging suspicion that he’s not really handicapped, like the guy in the Usual Suspects who walks with a limp throughout the show but actually can run faster than Forrest Gump. You know, like a decoy to throw you off and make you think they’re really slow but then suddenly they pull some deadly ninja moves when you least expect it. Yeah, exactly like that. But then society frowns on attacking random handicapped people even if I know that they’re bluffing so it’s not like I can expose him. Thanks a lot, society for the physically disabled, you just signed my death warrant.

Every time I come home with the kids, he’s there with his fake walking aid and creepy eyes just staring at me. I suppose it’s not everyday that you see a frazzled woman carrying two babies and a giant bag at the same time and I would probably stare too but wait a minute, you do see me carrying all that everyday and you still stare. All. the. time.

Like this afternoon, I brought Tru down to tidy up the car and pick up the crumbs before it gets infested by pests and lo and behold, the creepy old dude was there again. Pretending to do some stretching exercises on his walking implement as usual and of course, I could see him staring at us as we walked past. 15 minutes later, we’re done cleaning up the car and he was still there waiting for us to come back. The moment we walked past, he quickly got up and followed us to the lift.

My momma always told me not to enter the lift with creepy guys so I distracted Tru with some excuse of going to the playground and sure enough, creepy old dude ambled back to his usual spot to do more exercises. At which point, I promptly grabbed Tru and ran into the lift, jabbing violently at the door closing button.

The husband says he lives in our block with his kids and is probably harmless but he obviously haven’t watched Silence of the Lambs because the craziest psychopaths are the ones who live down the street. Ok, so the kids downstairs seem to know him and I’ve seen them saying hi to him from time to time but it doesn’t make him any less creepy and I’m still calling his bluff on the handicap. One of these days I’m going to take his photo just to show you what I mean but it’s kind of difficult to take a discreet photo of someone who is staring right at you. Especially not when I’m carrying a kid in each arm. Also, I really don’t want to encourage the staring just in case he thinks I’m into him too and am taking his picture as a memento.

I’m getting some pepper spray tomorrow.

Funny or So I think, side effects of motherhood

Its reining cats and dogs

Part of my idea of providing a holistic educational experience for the kids includes bringing them out to learn through exposure. I try to bring them down for walks around the neighborhood couple times a week. And I show them stuff like flowers, benches, playgrounds, bugs, sand and all.

If you must know, Tru’s getting really good at identifying objects and colors so I’m giving him an A+ for my course on Naming Objects 101.

Now I’ve seen a lot of crazy stuff, including that one time when a dude squirted milk out from his eyes. But this makes it easily into the top 10.

Warning: This may not be safe for work.

um, what?

No, I’m not referring to Britney because that’s obviously badly photoshopped in so that I don’t get hate mail from the cat-walker lady. Please draw your attention, however, to the animal on the left hand side.

So, as usual, Tru was naming all the objects like he was teaching me.

Tru: Mom-myyyy…

Me: Yes, sweetie?

Tru: See dog!

Me: No, that’s actually a cat.

Tru: No, dog.

Me: No, CAT. Say cat, baby.

Tru: Mommy, DOG.

Me: Ok fine, you win. It’s a dog.

My parenting philosophy is to NOT teach my kids stuff that’s clearly wrong. So if I insist that it’s a cat, I’d be saying that it’s alright to leash a cat and if he grows up to be a crazy cat-leasher, it’ll be traced back to me. Because I mean, WHO LEASHES A CAT?

Then I casually sneaked up closer to take a photo and the cat unleashed the mother of all hisses at me, which resulted at me grabbing the kids and RUNNING for my life. And I realized, this cat actually deserved to be leashed or maybe it’s so cattish because it’s leashed. Either way, there’s a lesson to be learnt here, which is to stay the hell away from a cat on a leash.

UPDATE: Apparently, lots of people leash their cats and in some places, it’s considered normal. I think this would be a good point to tell you about Hammie. So I have a friend who decided to leash her hamster and bring him for a walk. She scoured the Internet for a hamster leash and when it arrived, she was so excited that she tried it on for him immediately. It was all good and she actually convinced herself that Hammie was enjoying the walk. Two minutes in, some kid ran over Hammie with his bicycle. True story. I suppose the same lesson applies for hamsters too.

UPDATE x2: It’s official, then. Bunnies are the new dogs.

Funny or So I think, side effects of motherhood, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Cashcard machines that don’t top up cashcards are oxymorons. Or just morons. Either way.

Please tell me these have not been the most insanely sweltering days we’ve ever had. It’s so hot that I can’t think straight and I can feel my brain cells being massacred.

Tru’s words of the week are hot and sunny because that’s the only safe-for-children words I can say all day. The moment he gets into the car, he starts shouting for “air con, air con” and it’s only because he’s my son that I’m even sharing my cool air with him. All you other folks, stop hogging my air, you are killing me.

On my way back from my *elitist* luncheon yesterday, I had to swing by Subway to get a sandwich for Kelvin as wages for taking care of the kids while I attacked my mini cheeseburgers and pretended to look thoughtful and contemplative for two hours. It was all terribly intense so it’s not like I had a lot of spare brain cells lying around by the late afternoon.

In my experience, most respectable car parks have a cashcard top up machine located near the entrance or lobby area so that people don’t have to run helter skelter scrambling to find an ATM machine. Naturally when I saw a little device with the cashcard logo on it, it was perfectly understandable to assume it was in fact, able to top up my cashcard.

worst cashcard machine EVER

Ok, upon closer inspection, it does look rather shambolic and there isn’t even a keypad to type in my pin but between the heat and all that mental exertion earlier, I was totally on autopilot by that point. So I shoved in my cashcard and jabbed furiously at the giant button in the centre because the heat makes me daft and impatient – not a good combination at all.

Next thing I knew, water started gushing out from a tap sticking out from the wall. Directly at my shoes. Did I already say gushing? Because the sheer force of it was causing water to ricochet up my jeans all the way to my knees. I jumped back several steps but then the floor was all wet and slippery and I almost fell backwards on my ass but thanks to my incredible sense of balance, I managed to regain my composure after doing a few deadly arm-flailing moves.

Of course, I chose to do it at a very busy carpark because a sizeable crowd was starting to gather around my immediate vicinity. And of course the machine had to dispense gushing water for 40 seconds while my cashcard got lodged inside and I couldn’t even grab it and run. It was a very long 40 seconds as I tried to *look* like I was enjoying an afternoon shower fully-clothed in public.

Seriously, it’s like this heat is trying to destroy me. You win this round.

Funny or So I think, yet another pregnancy scare

I’ve never been this happy to have a stomach flu

Did you know that the early symptoms of stomach flu and pregnancy are *exactly* the same? I didn’t. But well, apparently they are.

So I’ve been feeling all nauseous and vomity and bloaty since Saturday and it got progressively worse so I went to the doctors to get it checked out. I sat down and described all my symptoms like I usually do and the doctor looked all thoughtful for a while and I was expecting something like “sounds like a stomach flu, I’ll just prescribe you some medication” but no. Instead, he said “you could possibly be pregnant” and he made me pee in a cup just to be sure.

Usually, I do very well peeing in a cup. But it was like somebody telling me that I just won a trip to a North Korean prison cell and at first you’ll be all like “I WON!” but then you realize that you don’t actually want to be in a prison cell in any country and your pee goes back into your bladder. That kind of feeling.

Not that being pregnant is like being in prison. Because right after, I felt awful that the first thought I had when I thought I could be pregnant was NOOOOOO instead of YESSSSSSS. If I’m pregnant again, I want to celebrate and jump and scream like I just won the lottery (the third time). Except that the thought of another baby right now scares me. Like a lot.

Also, girls should not even have to attempt to pee in a cup that has the circumference of a 20 cent coin. It’s not like I have a thing to whip out and aim at stuff. I mean, if I were a guy, I could probably pee into a pinhole but girls need bigger cups to pee in if I don’t want to pee all over my hand. Which is kind of what I did.

Then after that, I had to take a quiz on family planning.

Doctor: Are you on any contraceptives?

Me: I’m still breastfeeding.

Doctor: That’s not a real contraceptive.

Me: And we’re practicing withdrawal.

Doctor: I’m not sure you know what a contraceptive is.

Me: Then it would be a no.

Doctor: You should, if you don’t plan to have another baby right now.

Me: I totally agree.

Long story short, I’m not pregnant but I am deathly ill, so much so that I’ve been crawling around the house like a legless zombie, which by the way, Tru thinks it’s hilarious and he chucked a dump truck at my head after I tried to grab his ankles. With my teeth. Which I completely regret now for 2 reasons. 1. My head feels like it suffered a mild concussion. 2. Now I’ll have to teach him to not throw things at people unless he’s sure it’s a zombie.

That’s what being ill with 2 kids does to you. It makes you do things you’ll regret the next morning. Although I’m not really complaining because at least I’m not preggers.

Funny or So I think

Flash cards are awesome and lizards are ewww

I always said that I wouldn’t turn into that kind of parent. You know, the kind that buys flash cards for their kids and sends them to playschool at 18 months. But against my better instincts, I am turning into that kind of parent. What’s next? Donating a very large sum to a fancy private school so that my kids have a direct entry to their very prestigious institution.

I admit, I used to think that flash cards were lame. My kids will learn by real life observation rather than reciting a bunch of flash cards a million times a day. Then I realized that it’s impossible to expose him to stuff like killer whales and fire-breathing dragons everyday. Heck, some people go through their whole lives without ever seeing a golden-horned unicorn. And the easiest way to teach them stuff is through flash cards. Well, besides TV, I mean. I suppose I could draw stuff on a piece of paper, but all my animals end up looking suspiciously similar and that’s just going to mess with his head.

Anyway, the husband came back with a pack of jigsaw flash cards from Borders the other day and it’s actually pretty handy. It’s got all these awesome lifelike photos of stuff that corresponds to each alphabet.

And then I saw this.

World's creepiest flash cards

Who puts lizards as the first item under L? Morons, that’s who. There’s tons of perfectly cool items that start with L. Like leprechauns and lightsabers and liposuction. It’s like watching Barney sing the I love you song on youtube and then suddenly it cuts to a scene from Exorcist when you least expect it. Bloody hell.

I’m not overreacting because I have a thing against looking at pictures of lizards and their relatives (think snakes, komodo dragons, crocodiles). I stopped watching National Geographic because there was this documentary on lizards once and it gave me nightmares for weeks. I can’t look at pictures of lizards without thinking that they are going to suddenly spring to life and attack me. Yes, it’s not real, I know, but I NEVER touch pictures of slimy stuff because I can literally feel it in my head and that totally creeps me out.

One time, my little friend Joie put a very-realistic-fake-lizard on my shoulder (instigated by the husband, obviously) and I almost passed out from a panic attack.

So I’ve successfully taught Tru that lizards are evil and should be destroyed. Now every time he sees the lizard, he goes “ewww, gross“. I told you, he’s a genius.

Funny or So I think, side effects of motherhood

In all likelihood I’m going to be bald in 6 months

Under normal circumstances, this would be hilarious, but now that it’s happening to me, it’s not. Not even a little. At the rate I’m losing hair, I will be completely bald in 3-6 months tops. I think it’s retribution because I used to laugh at bald people. I had a university lecturer who had a particularly shiny pate which looked like it was oiled to perfection (insert bald joke here). I thought it would never happen to me because I have thick, voluminous hair that when left to its own devices, looks something like this.

I don't even need products to look this good

I don't even need products to look this good

In order to even have friends, I need to straighten my hair every year. I figured that in the list of calamities that could befall me (like being eaten by wolves or falling into a manhole) being bald is way, way down. Turns out, life has a funny way of making a point. Which is to NEVER LAUGH AT BALD PEOPLE. Right, I get it. Please don’t let me go bald. I promise to never make fun of another bald person again. Out loud at least.

According to google, sudden and excessive hair loss post pregnancy is normal. Thing is, words like sudden and excessive renders things abnormal (especially hair). Apparently, pregnant women hoard hair like a barber’s shop and after the baby comes out, they all start to fall out. Also, the stress of taking care of a baby exacerbates the condition. Plus, obviously I cannot let my hair fall all over my face like a crazy person all day, not when I’m running after two babies, so I pull them back tight at the beginning of each day.

Hormones, stress and scrunchies – the trifecta of baldness. It’s like I’m trying to make all my hair fall out.

I noticed the hair loss a couple of weeks ago. Every time I washed my hair, clumps of hair would fall out. I’m used to seeing several strands of hair fall out when I wash or brush but entire handfuls, that’s just crazy. I now have to vacuum my house everyday because there is hair EVERYWHERE. Even when I’m calmly surfing the net, I’m losing hair by the minute. I get up after an hour and the floor beside me is covered in hair. And I’m not even exaggerating.

Now would probably be a good time to go for a new look. Go a little wild and chop off the locks. Except that me and short hair, we do not have a good relationship. I had short hair all the way till I was 19 and it’s likely to be the reason I had so little friends before that. There’s a direct correlation between the length of my hair and the number of friends I’ve got. True story.

Also, if I come home with short hair one day, I will never hear the end of it from the husband. I will wake up to hair jokes and there will be more hair jokes plastered all over the wall and when I go to bed, that’s right, more hair jokes. I will eventually have to go out and buy a wig.

I need some help here. Google is not really helping because it says there’s no solution except to wait it out for the next 8 months. The hair loss usually stops after a year, but I may not have that long. So what I really want to know is this. Should I even try to treat it or save the trouble and just go get myself a hot, blonde wig?