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Daphne

from around here

And now we party

We made it to the end of exam season and just look at the happy faces around here.

I don’t remember Primary school exams being this big a thing back when I was a kid. There were papers at the end of every semester with grades attached but they were pretty much nbd right up till the PSLE. Sometimes my mom would present us with gifts of assessment books and we would have to make a show of getting through them but there was a lot of phoning it in without much consequence.

Helping the kids navigate their exams has been a learning process for us. We started out trying to be all chill about exams. I was all “just do your best, don’t worry about the grades” and they took the second part quite literally because Tru skipped home with his Chinese paper at the end of P1 to show me the 8/50 circled in bright red ink. His Chinese teacher followed up with a call several days later to gently inform me that that was the second worst grade in the entire school while suggesting that it wasn’t too early for an intervention.

That made us reconsider my approach with the chillness. We started them on Chinese tuition and put in more hours coaching them on the dreaded 听写. Every exam season, my favourite websites are testpapersfree.com and sgtestpaper.com, both bookmarked and visited daily.

Since then, the question I’ve been trying to address with every impending exam was the first part about doing your best. What does that look like for a 10/11-year-old?

Effort, for one. But how much effort was enough? An hour of revision a day? 2 hours? Do we benchmark it against the average? Which is what, 30 hours a week these days? I maybe did 30 minutes of revision a week back when I was in Primary school, but that level of effort clearly isn’t going to fly with today’s kids. I look at some of their Math questions and I already have to do more than 2 hours of learning today to understand how to draw some of the models.

It’s a delicate dance – putting just enough pressure for them to work hard while assuring them that grades aren’t everything, and that we would love them no matter what.

During a particularly stressful afternoon of exam prep where Tru was struggling with his Math paper, he quietly told me that he already knew he wouldn’t be as successful as Kirsten or Finn when he grew up. “K is good at exams and Finn is super smart, he’s always getting full marks,” he said, looking at the unreasonably difficult Math question in front of him.

Hey, stop with the Math for a moment and listen to mom.” He fiddled with his pen without looking up. “I won’t say this often but here’s where I tell you that exams are overrated and even if you fail all your papers from now till eternity, you’re going to be ok. You’re going to be more than ok because God made you special. You’re smarter and wittier and more talented than I was as a kid and I’m actually excited to see all the amazing things you’re going to do when you grow up. One day, you’ll realise that all of this won’t matter, you’ll see.

If it won’t matter, then why do I still have to do it now? I can just play computer games if I want to be a pro gamer next time.

That’s a fair question. It’s about giving yourself options in life and having a well-rounded education gives you options. It’s about overcoming challenges and learning the value of hard work and developing some grit in the face of adversity. It’s about training your brain; figuring out what you’re good at, and working extra hard at the parts that are difficult. At this point, it’s your job to try to nail these Math questions and learn Chinese words and memorise scientific things. I know it’s hard but you just need to try.

***

Today, I get to tell them that they’ve done a good job making it through exam season and they’re going to be ok no matter what. We’ll figure it out together after the results are out but first, we party.

from around here

children’s day and other days

It’s children’s day today and the kids were like “WE SHOULD CELEBRATE!” and I asked them what they had in mind and they were all “how about some snacks and we can have fun together maybe go swimming or the playground” and then I was like “this is your entire life, guys – having snacks and having fun hanging out together” and they thought about it for a moment and were all “yeah ok, good point! let’s get on it.

As it turns out, they’re all headed for a super fun children’s day carnival at church and for the first time this morning, Hayley announced that she was going to partake in this big kid activity because she’s a big girl and I was all kinds of here for it.

Mommy’s not going to be there, but you’re going to have a great time with kor kor and jie jie ok?” She nodded, suddenly looking all grown up and decidedly unbaby.

I’ll have so much fun!” she said, sounding just a little unsure, before planting a kiss on my cheek and hopping up the bus with her little backpack and all of the resolve she could gather. “I’ll miss you, mom!

My heart isn’t built for this – saying goodbye, even if just for half a day.

//

For the first time in too many years, I find myself with zero kids and a whole lot of me time and I’m not sure what to do with myself. I thought about going back to bed and reading a book like I’ve been dreaming of doing for such a long time. Which I did for a while, and it was delightful. Then I had breakfast and went to the gym and blitzed through my inbox and had a second coffee and is this a sneak preview of how my future feels like?

I’ve scheduled my life around the kids since Truett came along 11 years ago and life feels grounded with them around. I’ve gotten good at finding pockets of time to do everything else while having the luxury of sneaking in a delicious baby cuddle in the middle of my day. Multitasking feels normal and the intensity of kid-related mayhem is comforting to me. My brain tells me that I should relish these moments of finding myself but when the kids aren’t here, things feel like they are all up in the air. I’ve suddenly got all the time in the world and guess what I’m doing? I’m sitting here making plans for how to spend the rest of the day once the kids are back.

My future can take its time to get here, is what I’m saying.

growing up

Here’s to making new plans

Remember when you were young and everything seemed possible? When I ask the kids what they would like to be when they grow up, none of their dreams seem ludicrous or out of reach. Pro gamer? Yes! Vet who specialises in treating frogs and lizards and turtles? Oddly specific, but sure! Firefighter? Nice! Comic book writer? Go for it! Artist? Great choice! (*5 points for anyone who can match the answers to the right kids!)

But then time goes by and with every decision we make in life, we start eliminating options from the realm of possibility. Choose a major in humanities over triple science – strike being a surgeon off the list. Discover that you detest running – guess it’s a no to being an olympic athlete. Then you get old enough and suddenly realise that you’re left with…not that many options.

//

In my early 20s, I had an idea of how my life was going to turn out. I had the bucket list of a young, idealistic Singaporean girl – find a man I love, find a job I love, have kids (somehow, I assumed they’d fit in with all my other plans), travel, try new experiences, love deeply, feel a lot, find my place in this world and do something significant. I wasn’t sure what that last part would look like, but I was 20 and anything seemed possible.

I soon discovered that having kids at 26 and becoming a stay home mom threw a wrench into all my other plans. Babies seemed to demand so much that everything else got pushed to the edges, to contend for whatever was leftover, which wasn’t much.

They’re only little for such a short time,” I told myself, as I put on hold my dreams and job and other grand plans to cuddle babies and fix snacks and kiss away sad toddler tears. Then there were more kids and the years rolled on. More cuddles and snacks and kisses and homework and exams and 听写. Sometimes it feels like being a mom contains so much that being anything else becomes an afterthought. Just like that, it was 11 years of being 90% mom + 10% everything else.

I try to fit in the other parts of myself into the leftovers like a complicated game of Tetris: writing a little here and there, getting some work in during the saner moments of my day, dreaming up plans for projects I don’t have the time for.

Some days, I would scroll through the shiny instagram feeds of friends who were doing all the things I always thought I’d do. I watched them chase their dreams and land killer jobs as I chased down toddlers in poopy diapers. As they jetted off on exotic Arctic adventures, I was getting good at landing a plane of pureed broccoli in my baby’s mouth. While they were wearing yoga pants to yoga and zumba and crossfit, I was wearing yoga pants to do non-exercise type things like going to NTUC and for no other reason except that they were comfortable. I clicked on little hearts on their feeds, living vicariously through their experiences, sometimes imagining that I’d do those same things in a different life.

Being physically present to watch my kids taste their first mouthful of applesauce and take their first step and wake up from a nap needing a hug from mom is a special kind of privilege, and in some ways, is everything that I always wanted. They make me happier than I ever thought possible.

And now that the kids are bigger and need me less than they used to, I find myself in a strange position. I suddenly have more time to be some of the other things that got pushed to the edges. Instead of being all mom all the time, I get to be a wife, spending a week having the husband all to myself in Tokyo. I get to be a friend and reconnect with old friends whose company I’ve missed. I get to be a person who has time for myself at the gym. I get to discover new skills and try new experiences that aren’t just about kids.

I’d like to think that my best work is still ahead of me. It’s still out there and some day soon, I’ll figure out a way to get it done.

It may be too late to get back to the plans I had when I was 20 but at 37 and done with the most demanding mom years, maybe its time to make some new plans.