motherhood

So bad it’s good

Being a stay home mom redefines the term guilty pleasure. Because I have so little me time, I need to maximize the amount of catharsis satisfaction I derive from every minute of frivolous endeavor. On any given day, I have about an hour of alone time, amalgamated from six 10-minute blocks, and they have done wonders in maintaining my zen.

Where I used to spend a whole afternoon getting my fix from devouring Kite Runner or The White Tiger, I now have to find alternatives that can do the job in 10 minutes.

So here’s my mommy’s list of guilty pleasures. I suggest you try them out if you hate yourself and/or intend to put on a hundred pounds and/or wish to get mocked at mercilessly by your friends and/or are too cool to bother.

1. KOI Bubble Tea

2. Gossip Girl

GOSSIP GIRL

3. Wheel of Fortune

wallbigmoney

We're never leaving this show. Never!

4. Trashy magazines

5. Coffee ice cream

coffee ice cream

mmmm-hmmm!

6. Baby Got Back (Sir Mixxalot)

7. Harry Potter fanfiction

8. The OC

oc180

9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips

10. Oprah

oprah

the power of the audience is in my hands! whatever that means.

11. Blogstalking

12. Online shopping

13. Elton John

14. Text Twist

15. Ask the Bloggess

16. HIMYM (Barney’s blog here)

motherhood

Walk on

me

walk on

Some days, this is exactly how I feel. Like the kitten, not the legs, I mean. Although the legs are pretty much indicative of the monotony of my life most of the time. But on days like today, I feel like my little feline friend, except I’m also dragging 2 even smaller kittens along with me.

I honestly thought I had come out from the dark and twisty broken phase. The days of sudden and uncontrollable crying, where I’m all alone in the world and I can’t breathe and I’m drowning and everything is messed up. I try screaming for help but nothing comes out and I just want to crawl under the sink and hide even though it smells like rotting drain crap.

I’ve never actually been diagnosed with depression before, and the two times I came anywhere close to it was right after giving birth to my two kids. After Tru, I pretty much sauntered out of it about 4 weeks postpartum, after I decided to take refuge at my mom’s place instead of going it alone. I must say, having people around helps as a distraction and because I don’t cry in front of people. (the husband says I’ve got a heart of stone, but it’s mostly because deep down inside, I’m afraid once I start, I’ll be blubbering for hours) So I’m pretty good at holding it all in when there’s company. I’m cool like that.

After Kirsten, it’s been more of a dance with the depression. My head is flirting with it, and I still haven’t been able to shake it off completely. On bad days, I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach that doesn’t go away no matter what I do. And it’s been 12 weeks now. There’s the crying, and the edginess and the generally short fuse, which usually ends up with the guilt and the self pity.

I’ve done some research and it sounds like textbook postnatal depression. It’s probably a combination of factors, like the breastfeeding, (yes, I still feel like I took a hit to the gut every time I express milk and that’s 6 solid punches in a day) the sleep deprivation (thanks to the breastfeeding), the solitary confinement with 2 kids and the truckload of pressure I put on myself to be on top of my game every. single. day.

I actually seriously considered some medication to help with the depression. Seems like a simple and fuss-free way to deal. And from what I hear, it actually works. Makes you all light and floaty, without a care in the world. What wouldn’t I give to be on cloud nine right about now. But the only thing holding me back is the knowledge that once I start with the meds, it’s a long and slippery slope downhill. It’s a pandora’s box I don’t want opened just yet. At least not until I’m well and truly off my rocker.

So far, I’ve been taking each day as it comes and it does seem like its getting better. The depression hits less often now and with less intensity. I can sometimes go 4-5 days without losing my shit so I guess that’s a good sign. But just when I think I’m ok and life is good, I lose it again. Especially on days like today where BOTH kids are down with a flu and it’s Tuesday and I’m stoned out of my mind from the lack of sleep.

And all I can do when I’m in the dark and twisty phase? Just walk on.

motherhood

12 weeks – a milestone

The first real milestone in a baby’s life has gotta be the 12-week mark. While every parent would like to think that every second of everyday is a HUGE DEAL, like when she first snorted at 6.38 weeks, it’s the 12th week that seals the deal. It’s the point where my baby girl stops being a newborn.

So now, THAT’s kind of a big deal.

Today, she stops being swaddled. She’s mastered the Houdini disappearing act from the not-so-miracle-blanket and her feet are starting to get bunched up from the swaddle cloth. I used to watch with immense satisfaction as she tried to struggle free from her straightjacket but without avail, and after a minute or so, she would give up and go to sleep peacefully. But last week, instead of drifting off to sleep, she wriggled for a good 15 minutes with her brow all furrowed and a determined look in her eye. Then she raised her little hands above her head as a victory sign and closed her eyes feeling terribly pleased with herself.

Look mom, no hands!
Look mom, no hands!

Today, she learns to sit up all by her lonesome. In the 12 weeks I’ve known her, I’ve come to realize that Kirsten in an observer and nothing like the adrenaline-charged-go-getter brother of hers. She’s happy to sit and watch the world go by, thinking of fairies and daisies. It’s finally time for her to debut the Bumbo and now she can’t get enough of it. It’s a fresh change from lying down all the time staring at lame mobiles/stupid birds/ceiling.

The bumbo is fun...I just happen to be constipated
The bumbo is fun…I just happen to be constipated

Today, the gloves mitts come off for good and the thumb sucking begins. I’ve come to accept the fact that my kids are thumb suckers. I’ve never introduced the pacifier and don’t think I ever will for a variety of reasons (but I’ll save that for another post). The next best thing is of course the thumb. For a while I hoped that Kirsten would be among the elite group of babies who don’t need any sleep props to fall asleep but apparently that’s not gonna happen. She sucks not only her thumb, but all 10 of her fingers with a juicy slurping sound. Almost makes me want to try it myself. At some point, I’ll have to deal with the blisters and deformed thumbs but I’ll think of something when it comes to that.

Mitts are no fun
Mitts are no fun… and I’m still partially constipated

Today, she discovers herself. Newborns are an oblivious bunch. For the first 12 weeks, they’re spaced out most of the time, unaware of everything else that’s going on around them. I used to show her her own reflection in the mirror and she would stare blankly at the girl looking back at her. Today I showed her the mirror again and for the first time, she looked at herself with a flicker of recognition. Or she could be thinking “Damn, that chick is HOT!”, which is also not far from the truth. This is the first of all the preening and posing that is to come in the years ahead and if that’s not a milestone, I don’t know what is.