Monthly Archives

January 2010

kids in motion

The one where I tell you all about the zoo

January 29, 2010

I try not to inundate you with posts of banality like my kids going to the zoo or the loo to poo (too much Dr. Seuss) unless you’re into that sort of thing, then please drop me an email and I promise to flood your mailbox. But seeing that the kids just went on their first field trip to the zoo and seeing that given the lack of attractions here in Singapore, the zoo is something of a big deal, I am going to tell you all about it.

Like most zoos, there were lots of animals sitting around looking pretty stoned and more than a little bored. To be honest, I was a little disappointed I didn’t get to see any predatory action like those I’m accustomed to seeing on Nat Geo. Once I saw a lion ripping apart the spine of a wildebeest while it was still alive and squirming (in slow motion, no less). But the lions I saw up close all looked kind they couldn’t even take on an elderly deer with no legs. Tru threw them an obligatory glance and went back to digging crackers from his snack catcher while we were all like “Tru, look at the LIONS!”

this was the ostrich before it became lion food

the ostrich before it became lion food

The only animal he really liked were the hippos and it was mostly because he thought it was Barney. It was like being in Barneyland, except without the singing. Which makes it almost bearable.

Also, I just found out that they have a kickass water play area tucked neatly into a little corner of the zoo, in an area called kidzworld. It’s exactly like that home on the range song ~~where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play~~. The animals don’t actually play in the water but they’re close enough for you to smell the horse sweat.

The absolute highlight was when the husband got completely drenched by a ginormous bucket of water that tips over every few minutes. And of course he had to be standing right beneath it at the exact moment it tipped. I couldn’t have timed it better myself if I tried.

I've got pretty big shoes to fill

I've got pretty big shoes to fill

Baby girl wasn’t particularly impressed by the animals but she started beaming when she saw the water fountains and sprinklers.

daddy says I look like a farmer but I think he means flower

daddy says I look like a farmer but I think he means flower

So that’s my day at the zoo. I hope you had fun too.

UPDATED: I was informed that the ostrich is in fact an emu. I’m not sure about that though. I see a bird with a large ass and it’s likely to be an ostrich. But I’m willing to compromise and call it a bird because I’m a blogger who stands for world peace. That way, we all win.

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Father Inc, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Now I can’t even fart in public anymore, not that I used to do it. I’m considerate that way.

January 28, 2010

If you know Daf and I personally or read this blog long enough, you would know that we were both classmates from the same university and took a course that landed many of my peers jobs in the media industry.

And apparently being young parents is a news angle because we get approached for soundbites more often then I would have liked.

Daphne has been in the news for her wisdom-in-a-neat-box quote of ” a wedding is but for a day, marriage is for a lifetime.” Hear, Hear.

We also (reportedly) beat the recession of late 2008-2009 by stocking up on expiring can food and a diet of spinach and tofu.

So some time back, she  did yet another email interview with a writer friend from a woman’s magazine which had to be weird because it was another of those too-much-information types.

The first signs of regret came quickly – a few weeks ago a colleague (more of an acquaintance actually, he was from the other side literally and figuratively speaking, but the devil is in the details and I don’t want to sin) came up to me out of the blue and said “Hey! I saw your photo in this woman’s magazine. Man, you looked different back then, dude.”

I mumbled something about putting the “fat” back  in “father” and made a quick escape, scrambling to recall which it magazine it was  and the context of the story.

Stepping into my boss’ office on the same day brought a cynical, split-second stare and a rhetorical “I read your article. Good job there.”

And the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back came when a colleague that sat right behind me (no escape!)  spun her chair around and blurted suddenly- “I saw your wedding photos! Man, i dig those suspenders. You looked different back then.” Incidentally, this was the same girl that declared my virility to the entire office when she found out that Daphne was pregnant with Kirsten less than six months after Truett was born. (Which was also why I was really keeping my fingers crossed during the recent pregnancy scare. I love them kids, but one at a time please.)

I mumbled something punny about “Dad’s the reason why” and headed off to the pantry pretending to make a drink -without my cup. Drats.

But there was no escaping the paparazzi and 2 days later I got a message on MSN.

“Read your article, good job dude. “

“Uh, yeah. Thanks. What the heck were you buying a woman’s magazine for anyway?”

“I clicked through a link on Asiaone.com, man. I thought it was about handjobs or something.”

By the mountains of Kilimanjaro, the story was online, on a major news site nonetheless. And totally searchable on Google if you key in the right words. Heck, we should have charged loading fees.

And if the camel’s back wasn’t broken (is there a gay joke in here somewhere?)  he was truly, completely severed into two when my mother started dishing out very descriptive advice on family planning and the host of contraceptives out there. Apparently she read the article too.

Note to all mothers, do your children a favour – avoid any description, not matter how matter-of-fact your execution is, avoid ANY description that conjure mental images of you getting it on with Dad. Just don’t do it. Please.

Well the fact is we’ve been bumping into people on the streets, shopping centres, parks that have been reading Mother, Inc. While no doubt Daphne can work the prose as a kickass writer, I wasn’t getting quite comfortable with the meet-and-greet thing. So, this will sound totally idiotic since we’re evidently not celebrities or anything but I’ve been feeling like I can’t even “let it rip” in public.  I’m just afraid people may be like, “hey you saw the guy that just farted, he’s actually the husband of Daphne from Mother, Inc. You know that blog with all that stuff about handjobs and getting it on.”

Sex does sell though (there, you’ve got the context of the interview) and given the rising divorce rates in Singapore, I suppose there’s no nobler cause than towards the building of strong marriages through some smokin’ hot sexytime.

You can quote me on that, thankyouverymuch.

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milestones & musings

Stuff I plan to do this year

January 26, 2010

It’s taken me 25 days to settle into the new year. I usually put off my resolutions till the frenzy of the new year has abated and the dust has settled somewhat and I have a clearer picture of the year ahead. Then I sit down and think of all the awesome stuff I plan to do this year, like adopt a child (wait, done that, check) and NOT have another baby.

I’m not big on resolutions either. I usually forget all about my resolutions by Feb and conveniently lose the paper I scribbled it down on so that I can blame it on my memory instead of my resolve.

But this year, I have a feeling it’s going to be different. Better.

Here are my resolutions for the year.

1. Not get pregnant again.

You’d think that this would be a no brainer but you obviously haven’t met me. Apparently my ovaries are overachievers and Superdad, I’m not even going to go there. Just take it from me that if I survive the year without getting pregnant, SUCCESS! That’s taking into account that condoms are only 80% effective and vasectomies are cheating. I still intend to have Travis and Hailey sometime in the distant future.

2. Learn to cook.

Cooking is not my thing. All those hours spent chopping and dicing and washing can be put to better use ordering KFC and playing Final Fantasy. I’ve been known to whip up some mind-blowingly good spreads on occasion but I attribute it to my general ability to kick ass at most things I do. Except math and sewing and quantum physics and rocket science. Those, I’m not so good at.

Besides, I’ve got a theory. Cooking good food is an incentive for my kids to want to come home for dinner. Kids are like hounds. They can sniff out good food from a mile off and they will gravitate towards it. Plus, they’ll bring all their friends over to eat and you’ll be the cool mom that bakes better than Betty Crocker. If your food sucks, they’ll find excuses to hang around their friends whose moms can beat you at black pepper crab.

3. Drop another 5kg.

Baby girl has been draining out all my fats so I’m 5kg away from my pre-pregnancy weight. All this without having to diet or exercise. In fact, all I do is sit around and eat while attaching flanges to my boobs. In 4 months, I dropped 20kgs without even breaking a sweat. But the last 5 has been pesky to say the least. The weight loss seems to have stagnated and I’m starting to get a little worried. I’m also considering weaning her off breastmilk completely sometime in the next 6 months. That does not bode well for my ass.

4. Spend alone time with the husband.

Especially since Kirsten was born, it’s been impossible to have any time alone with the husband. And I mean time that we are not doing laundry or washing dishes or expressing milk. We need to go out again like we used to. I don’t care if we’re eating McD’s under a bridge. We need to take time off to relax and do crazy things like touch the bottoms of random strangers or tell a burly indian man who seems like he could beat your head in that “I am your father“.

5. Pay attention to the kids.

It’s easy to be around the kids but not really be around. Sometimes I get so swamped by the routine and all the chores that I’m like an all-in-one factory line. That’s when I gotta drop everything and go crazy with the kids so that they know they’re more important than everything else. It’s not going to hurt if they eat frozen pizza for a day because mommy was too busy playing pirates and robbers.

That’s enough for now. On retrospect, 5 seems like an awful lot of resolutions. Maybe I’ll just start with #1.

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kids in motion, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Do the robo boogie

January 25, 2010

When I was a kid, everyone used to say that in 2010, we’ll have robots to do our bidding. While the idea was cool, I knew that a showdown between man and machines would be inevitable. And the outcome: a complete massacre.

So I used to say, give me human slaves any day. I’m way more confident of taking on a malnourished slave that hasn’t eaten for a week than a giant chunk of metal. Not that I’m encouraging slavery. That sort of thing is illegal now. I’m just saying that if I needed to have slaves, I’d pick humans, you know. You don’t want to mess around with stuff like robots.

But nobody listens to me anyway. These days, there are robot vacuum cleaners, robot mops, robot toilet bowls, robot practically anything.

As it turns out, my son, he’s terrified of robots and well, basically all kinds of inanimate objects that move by themselves. He calls them bots very ominously.

My mom has a roomba irobot that’s in charge of keeping the house spick and span (which I must admit is a formidable invention). Tru goes ballistic every time it comes alive. I think he thinks that it’s going to attack him.

Then the other day, he was watching Baby Einstein on DVD with Kirsten and he suddenly starts bawling. Which was bizarre because he loves tv. So I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying bot, bot. And I realized that there were 2 robots (like authentic R2D2 lookalikes) doing the robo boogie on screen.

To test out my theory, I showed Tru this video. And it TOTALLY freaked him out. This, I’m not kidding.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1BdQcJ2ZYY&feature=related

So it’s begun. The robot invasion. In 2010, the not so distant future. I’m teaching him to do the robo boogie so that in case the robots decide to attack, he can blend in and assimilate. It’s a skill I learnt from Sun Tzu (blending in, not the robo boogie). And you can never go wrong with Sun Tzu.

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milestones & musings

I may or may not be having another kid after all

January 23, 2010

Relax, I’m not pregnant. Although I am considering adopting a child from a third world country. And I figured I’d skip the whole baby phase altogether and adopt a grown adult. Still counts though.

An email I got several days ago.

From Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

(CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE)
Dear Beloved One

It is a good thing to write you. I have a proposal for you. This however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour against your will.

I am Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie, the only daughter of my late parents Sir and Mrs Augustus Tejan-Sie. My father was a highly reputable business magnet-(a Cocoa Merchant, Diamond and Gold Dealer) who operated in the capital of Ivory Coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad some months ago.

Before his death some months ago he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of Eleven Million, Eight Hundred Thousand United State Dollars.(USD$11.800) deposited in  a SECURITY COMPANY here in Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

He further told him that he deposited the Consignment in my name as the next of kin, and he registered the Consignment as Family Valuables as security reasons.
I am a university undergraduate and really don’t know what to do.
Now I want a foreign partner who will assist me to retrieve this consignment from the SECURITY COMPANY here in Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded.

Now permit me to ask these few questions: –

1.Can you kindly tell me what type of profitable ventures that this fund will use to invest to avoid waste of it.
2). Can you honestly help me as your daughter?
3). Can I completely trust you?
4). What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after you have retrieved this consignment from the company?
Expecting to hear from you.

Thank you so much.

Yours Sincerely,
Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie

I usually trash mails that ask me for kidneys, corneas and the like but I can’t bring myself to say no to a girl who *wants* to be my daughter.

So I wrote back.

Dear Lorenda,

This is Daphne here from Motherinc. Thank you so much for your email and you must know part of what I do everyday is to help small children (I’ll make an exception for you seeing that you have eleven million dollars). I would just like to confirm one small detail –  you put the figure in prose as “Eleven Million, Eight Hundred Thousand United State Dollars” but in brackets later on its (USD$11.800). Which looks like Eleven Dollars and Eighty Cents to me since I am pretty sure that’s a decimal point and even if its a comma you’re short of a fair bit of zeroes. My question is – is that how they do it in Ivory Coast?

Warmest Regards,
Daphne

I wasn’t sure if I’d get a reply but lo and behold.

From Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

(CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE)
Dear Beloved One,

I am very grateful for your understanding in this matter that has been much troubling for me the past many months. I would confirm in matter of fact that the amount is in numerals, $118,000,000,000.

Please let me know as your daughter if I can completely trust you and what percentage of the amount I can be honouring you as the kind advisor of this expenditure of money that could be investment for further expansion.

Yours Sincerely,
Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie

I was never that good at Math in school so anything above thousands look pretty much the same to me.

Dear Lorenda,

This is Daphne here from Motherinc again. Thank you so much for your clarification – we noticed that this time there were three extra zeroes in your figure given to us but I think we get the idea that you have a lot of money, laugh out loud (LOL).

I have many ideas for successful businesses and I will send several proposals by courier because they’re all top secret. Either that or we can arrange a meeting to discuss the details face to face.

However, I would require an initial outlay of only $1180000 and I will ensure a steady profit of 1-2.5% per annum from the eighth year of operation onwards.

Do let us know if it is a workable arrangement.

Warmest Regards,
Daphne

Two days ago, I got another reply.

From Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

(CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE)
Dear Beloved One,

Seeing you in person is a happy proposition Daphne I however is stuck in Abidjan this season of the year as I have legal issues in the plenty to be settled. However if you can fly over by the 20th day of the month after which I will depart to Lyon to continue the investigation amidst which I may be under heavy protection by the government due to the sad and malign situation of my family. You need to get here the soonest as possible as time is of the essence and I no longer know my next steps or even the days that are numbered.

I am also concerned regarding your sum as based on my calculations if you take $118000000 and take away  $11800000 you will leave me with only one 0 which is not a very good arrangement. Never the least we can always discuss this matter please arrange to meet me on the 20th day of the month at Aberdijan Airport at 1800hours Eastern Time.

Thank you for your kindness and see you real soon.

Yours Sincerely,
Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie

This was closely followed up by another mail.

From Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

(CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE)
Dear Beloved One,

I cannot write long as i am in dire situation. The truth is my uncle is on my chase and I am soonest about to be caught by the devils in his gang of this town. They are planning for a ransom for me but no one will believe that I am indeed in his arms.

Daphne, only you know what is on going here in my life. We are like family with the trust we have exchanged. The ransom amount will be $18,000 US dollars, a small amount comparatively to the value that is on my life from my father’s empire. But he must not know that. You need to bring the money and meet me at the same place and time.

You are my last hope.

Yours Sincerely,

Miss Lorenda Tejan-Sie

I’m not sure how this adoption thing works but it seems like having adults isn’t such a good idea. I think I’ll stick to having babies instead. Less danger involved.

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Funny or So I think, yet another pregnancy scare

I’ve never been this happy to have a stomach flu

January 20, 2010

Did you know that the early symptoms of stomach flu and pregnancy are *exactly* the same? I didn’t. But well, apparently they are.

So I’ve been feeling all nauseous and vomity and bloaty since Saturday and it got progressively worse so I went to the doctors to get it checked out. I sat down and described all my symptoms like I usually do and the doctor looked all thoughtful for a while and I was expecting something like “sounds like a stomach flu, I’ll just prescribe you some medication” but no. Instead, he said “you could possibly be pregnant” and he made me pee in a cup just to be sure.

Usually, I do very well peeing in a cup. But it was like somebody telling me that I just won a trip to a North Korean prison cell and at first you’ll be all like “I WON!” but then you realize that you don’t actually want to be in a prison cell in any country and your pee goes back into your bladder. That kind of feeling.

Not that being pregnant is like being in prison. Because right after, I felt awful that the first thought I had when I thought I could be pregnant was NOOOOOO instead of YESSSSSSS. If I’m pregnant again, I want to celebrate and jump and scream like I just won the lottery (the third time). Except that the thought of another baby right now scares me. Like a lot.

Also, girls should not even have to attempt to pee in a cup that has the circumference of a 20 cent coin. It’s not like I have a thing to whip out and aim at stuff. I mean, if I were a guy, I could probably pee into a pinhole but girls need bigger cups to pee in if I don’t want to pee all over my hand. Which is kind of what I did.

Then after that, I had to take a quiz on family planning.

Doctor: Are you on any contraceptives?

Me: I’m still breastfeeding.

Doctor: That’s not a real contraceptive.

Me: And we’re practicing withdrawal.

Doctor: I’m not sure you know what a contraceptive is.

Me: Then it would be a no.

Doctor: You should, if you don’t plan to have another baby right now.

Me: I totally agree.

Long story short, I’m not pregnant but I am deathly ill, so much so that I’ve been crawling around the house like a legless zombie, which by the way, Tru thinks it’s hilarious and he chucked a dump truck at my head after I tried to grab his ankles. With my teeth. Which I completely regret now for 2 reasons. 1. My head feels like it suffered a mild concussion. 2. Now I’ll have to teach him to not throw things at people unless he’s sure it’s a zombie.

That’s what being ill with 2 kids does to you. It makes you do things you’ll regret the next morning. Although I’m not really complaining because at least I’m not preggers.

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out of the box

The best part about feeding solids

January 19, 2010

Introducing solids to a baby is messy and gross and often frustrating. One day they love it and they can’t get enough then the next day, they decide it’s horse turd and it lands all over your living room floor. The feeding ain’t fun, the food slinging ain’t fun and the cleaning up after sure as hell is not my idea of fun.

So what makes a mom keep up the ordeal? Pretty little food cubes that are so fun to make.

a fresh batch of spinach, corn and pumpkin

It’s like therapy for me, steaming and mashing and blending all the colors of the rainbow to make stuff that may just turn out to be a hit with my kid. And when it’s thrown up everywhere, at least I had fun making it.

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